Page 194 of The Sins of Silas

My hands shook, and I felt an awful pit in my chest.

How could I do such athing?

I felt my lip tremble.

“Silas—” Lena started, but I pushed myself off her, retrieving my undergarments and pants. She sat up, watching me with a shameful gaze.

Once my pants were on, I rushed over to the washroom, fetching a cloth to clean her with.

I couldn't look in her eyes. Couldn’t accept what I did.

She kept still as I cleaned her flawless body, my body tense as I wiped my arousal off of her chest.

I am a horrible, awful person.

But I knew that already, didn’t I? Of all the atrocities I had committed, it was no surprise I’d fuck this up too.

My hands shook as I withdrew my hand and the cloth, placing it back in the bathroom.

I had never been unfaithful…that was one thing I took pride in.

Fucking hell…

When I reemerged, buttoning up my shirt, I finally met eyes with my best friend.

Tears were streaming down her face as she clutched the bedsheet, covering her body.

My hands slowly fell to my sides when I buttoned the final button.

I hated seeing her like this…broken because of me.

But I was broken, too.

I was broken, too.

Hurt her. Make her hate you.

“Do you still hate me?” I asked in a low voice, and I hated myself for the words that came out next. “Because your hatred pales in comparison to the loathing I feel toward you now.” Lena’s face crumpled, and I stepped closer toward the bed as my frown deepened. “You consume all of me, Lena. You are my waking thought and the final picture I see before I sleep. You are a siren that haunts my dreams. It's been that way since the moment I met you.” I sighed in defeat. “There’s not a damn second you aren’t on my mind.”

“Silas,” she cried softly.

“You represent all that I could ever desire…and all I can never have.” My voice cracked as I whispered, “You have destroyed me…and I resent you for it.”

And I fucking hated myself when her response was a choked sob…hated myself for leaving without another word.

I took in a drag of the dagga I purchased at a local tavern, its warmth filling my chest. I noticed the Mages surrounding me, watching me with curious eyes. Apparently, there was an altercation here a few nights ago, and the Mages decided this business was theirs, Deana backing the takeover.

“Long day?”

My eyes shot to the side to see Dani, who sat beside me at the bar, her bright blue eyes looking at me without her pupils. I was happy everyone felt comfortable showing their true selves now, at least here.

I blew out the smoke. “Long life,” I muttered.

A crease formed between her brows, but she raised a hand to the worker, who nodded and rolled her a joint. We sat there in silence, Dani eventually taking in her own drag.

“What happened?” she asked.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, then ran my hand down my face. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. It wasn’t something I could talk about in any capacity, so I took another hit instead.

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