Page 178 of The Sins of Silas

Elowen's eyes flared, her small hand shakily obscuring her mouth. “Lena…I…I had no idea.” She shook her head, tears pooling in her eyes. “I knew you had been beaten, but I never would've guessed—”

“It's okay.” I sniffed, wiping my eyes and giving her a pitiful smile. “I knew exactly what type of man he was after that. He is broken—tormented by a damaged past. I feel him harboring secrets to keep himself afloat, afraid of drowning in front of everyone…afraid no one would care to bring him to shore.” I handed her back the empty vial, feeling as good as new, physically, anyway. “But no matter the cold, emotionless front he presents, his heart is pure. His heart is made of gold, despite his father's attempt to turn it to stone.”

Elowen blinked over and over to clear her vision, and she gave me a soft smile. “Edmund loves him. I couldn't understand why for the longest time.” She placed a gentle hand on my arm. “You're right. There is beauty camouflaged among the ugly. We just have to look for it.” She wrapped her arms around me one more time. “Thank you, Lena.”

“If you ever need me, El, please come to me. Fire can be unpredictable at times, especially when those we care for are in danger.”

I knocked on Roland’s door after leaving Elowen's room, cracking it open to find him in his usual open mouth sleepingposition.

I chuckled to myself, quietly walking over to set the vial on the nightstand beside his bed.

He heard my entrance, though, and his mouth shut, his eyes blinking open slowly.

“Morning,” I said gently.

“Ugh, my head,” he groaned, his hand covering his eyes.

“Here.” I picked up the vial. “Open wide.”

He peeked at me through his fingers, then smirked before opening his mouth for me. I pulled out the cork, poured the elixir in, and he swallowed.

“Thank the Gods for Elowen,” he praised, then sat up in bed, tousling his messy brown hair.

“Honestly,” I agreed as I made my way back toward the door.

Roland clutched my arm. “How are you feeling?”

I glanced at him over my shoulder. “Back to normal after that elixir.”

He gave me a deadpan look. “That’s not what I meant.”

I sighed, then sat beside him on the mattress. “I…I don’t know.”

He studied me with soft eyes.

“Have you ever been in love, Roland?” I asked after a beat, even though I remembered he told me in Forsmont that he had not.

To that, his eyebrows raised, and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I—well…it’s not that I don’t care for you—”

I snorted, backhanding his chest. “I know you’re not in love with me. That’s not why I asked.” I sighed, my eyes going to the floor. “I asked because I have been…as you know. I have been in love with a man who was in love with me.” I turned to face him. “Casual sex is fun, really fun, but it doesn’t compare. It’s not the same.”

My lip wobbled, and Roland held my hand.

“I miss him,” I said, my voice a broken whisper.

“Quill?” he asked, remembering my story.

I nodded. “Part of me wishes I never met him…that I didn’t know what I was missing. I wish I had nothing to compare it to.”

“I thought the saying was‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’?”

“The losing hurts so fucking badly…even after all this time.” My eyes fell to my lap, Roland's hand still interlaced with mine.

“I do love you, you know,” he said quietly.

I swallowed, squeezing his hand. “I love you too,” I admitted.

“When this war is over, and we’re not almost dying every day…perhaps I could offer you more.”

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