Page 34 of Science Project

“I like being hurt,” I said. “Please, don’t stop.”

“You like being hurt?” Akio said.

I stared at him for a long, long time because … I had lied. I didn’t like being hurt, but I had gotten so used to the pain I felt every day that I could take it if it meant that Akio would choose me over someone else.

Akio brushed some hair off my forehead, eyes softening. “Nicole …”

My lips quivered, and suddenly, a shoulder-jerking sob escaped my throat. “No, I don’t like it,” I cried, tears bursting down my cheeks.

I held my hands over my face so he wouldn’t see me cry off all my makeup. So he wouldn’t see the bruises.

But most importantly, so he wouldn’t see through the facade I put up every single day.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m-I’m an idiot,” I said.

While I waited for him to spit on my face, to call me weak—like Hannah had been—to punish me even harder for wailing in the middle of sex, Akio wrapped his arms around my torso, pulled me into his lap, and hugged me.

“I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he whispered. “Please, don’t cry.”

“I deserve it,” I sobbed.

I deserved every punishment that Dad had given me. I deserved the hate that the entire cheer team had for me for the mess my father had roped them into. I deserved to end up just like Hannah for the hell I’d caused everyone at Redwood.

“I deserved it,” I cried, my nails tearing into the skin on my face because I couldn’t deal with all the pain anymore. I wanted to rip out my skin, rip out any ounce of pretty, make myself so ugly that Dad couldn’t even fix me anymore. “I deserved it.”

My nails pierced my skin deeper and deeper, and all I wanted was to stop the pain.

All of it.

How could I go through this for the rest of my life? I had turned eighteen less than two months ago, and I still had no control over my body or my life. I had never had it. But I wanted some—badly. But the only way that I could do that was to …

Hurt myself.

Physically.

Possibly even further than just hurting myself. Maybe even … maybe even kill?—

“Nicole!” Akio shouted suddenly, grabbing my hands and attempting to pull them away from my face.

But I sank my nails even deeper because I didn’t want him to see me like this.

“Stop it. You’re tearing the skin off your face.”

“Go away.” I sniffled, body trembling uncontrollably against him. “I’m a mess.”

Akio held me tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I sank my head into the crook of his neck. “B-b-but … look at me.”

Nobody would ever put up with me.

Suddenly, he cupped my face in his hands. “Who’s hurting you?”

My eyes stung, and I wanted to look anywhere but at him. “Nobody.”

“Who, Nicole?”

“Nobody.”

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