Page 53 of To Have and to Hold

But Theo was tense, and I think the quiet was working for him. This was a place he could control better. Even as my bodyrelaxed, desperate for a bed, for a clean shower, he remained hyperaware. I still ached, my muscles tugged and pulled, my skin rubbed and stung if I wasn’t careful, but I was on my way to healing. My insides were justtired.

“Wait here,” Theo said, then quickly scoped the place out, walking from room to room with his senses on high alert and his gun raised. It took him just a minute to declare the apartment safe, nowhere for anyone to hide. I watched him walk back to me, my heart clenching at the way he looked in this mode. His eyes were sharp, his body tense and prowling as he moved into my space. He crowded me into the door and tipped my head up with his thumb on my chin. “I can’t wait to have you in a real bed,” he told me. “Not a motel bed with itchy sheets and a hard mattress. Not a car — however fun that can be — in a bed. A proper fucking bed.” He groaned. “We’ve never had that, you know? Not really. Not with anything other than quick fumbles in the dark. I want to give you everything.”

I smiled up at him, kissing him as he placed his hands on either side of my head, leaning over me, enveloping me in his warmth. For however long we were here, we could imagine this was ours, our reality. I’d never felt more secure than when I was with him, and I found myself becoming obsessed with the sensation. I was healing well because of him, both my body and my soul; all of me. He was my salvation, and in all the ways it was wrong, it felt too damn right to let it go. We could deal with the consequences when we had to. For now, I needed to kiss my big brother and thank him. For everything, for showing me how to control my body, how to live with it, love it, and how to move on. Having sex with him did something to erase the trauma, his touch obliterated Rafe’s.

It still hurt, we had to go slow and easy, and I remained unconvinced it wasn’t doing more damage than good to my healing, but internally, in my head, it was a necessity.Bookending Rafe’s abuse with Theo’s reverence made me feel alive again. Theo had been there in some of my darkest moments, just before or just after, bringing me back to life without even realizing.

“Take me to the proper bed, Theo,” I whispered up at him, cupping his cheek and stroking the thin skin beneath his eye. Nothing felt better than when he pressed himself against me, when we had as much skin as possible touching. He’d saved me. "We can pretend, for just a little while."

He groaned, shoving his gun into his back pocket before scooping me up, hands under each ass cheek as I wrapped my legs around his waist, bracing myself with my arms on his shoulders, suppressing a giggle - a sound I thought I would never make again.

I kissed him, smothered him with my gratitude and love.

He walked with easy confidence to the bedroom and dropped me on the bed, following me down. I bounced, my nose bumping into his cheek, and we both laughed. It felt freeing as we both broke, the sexual tension forgotten as we giggled and relaxed together. He flopped down next to me, a wide smile on his face, and I rolled into his side, burrowing myself up under his arm, my face into his armpit to just soak in all of him I could.

He nuzzled my hair, and I was reminded of our childhood again. Of hiding in the tall grass and looking up at the clouds, declaring them shapes as silly as we could imagine.

“I love you,” Theo said in a hushed tone. “We’ll make it through.”

We both dozed off, nestled together. Comfortable.

Iwoketoasoft sensation on my pussy, my thighs spread wide and my body flushed with heat. “What—”

“Shh, beautiful,” Theo’s voice came from between my legs. “Let me work. Let me taste.”

I fell back, opened myself up to him, and surrendered to him, allowing him to take me to bliss. He worked hard, groaning and humping the bed as his tongue roamed my entire pussy, licking down to my rear to savor every inch of me. He never asked for more, never pushed or hurt me, only loved, licked, kissed, until I reached my peak and came on his tongue, smiling when he moaned and licked up all the fluid. I was still sore there, but my whole body was. It was my usual state of being now, and each time Theo loved on me, made me feel good, it healed something. It was worthwhile pain, the kind that felt important.

When he climbed back up to the pillows, adjusting us so he was curled around me protectively, I reached for his cock, but he was softening, his boxers soaked.

“Theo…” I gasped, astonished despite my sleepy state.

“Shh, baby,” he told me, kissing my neck. “I woke up desperate to do that, it was enough. I came when you did.”

My stomach clenched anew, surprised that was even possible that giving pleasure could turn someone on so much they could come themselves. In another life, when this was all over, it was something I wanted to explore in great depth.

“That’s—” I tried to say, but he hushed me again, his warm tongue delicious below my ear.

“It’s perfect, that’s what it is. I can sleep properly now.”

His breathing fell steady within minutes, but I was wired. I needed the loo and my muscles ached from being still for so long. So, with great reluctance, I climbed out from Theo’s hold and wandered from the bedroom, taking stock of the space Connor had gifted us, however temporary.

Theo trusted him, but he didn’t really know him. I’d kept my mouth shut because it seemed our only way out, but Connor had always made me uncomfortable. Too intense, so different from Father and the rest of the family, a loose cannon. He once implied to me that if I wasn’t his niece, he would have bid on my hand in marriage. Father had laughed, but it left me unsettled. I’d always wondered why he said it, staring his brother square in the face as he did, like he was looking for a reaction.

But then, I suppose, I couldn’t say much now I was sleeping with my brother. Very happily. We all had our messed up minds, raised as we were.

Still, Connor was someone to be wary of, even if he was working for good in some capacity that Theo had explained countless times, but I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I didn’t trust him, didn’t trust his word. Even if Theo did. There was something there keeping me on edge.

So after using the bathroom, washing my face and pulling my hair up into a bun using the pack of hairbands I found under the sink, I explored the space, looking for something to prove or disprove my theory that we needed to be careful.

Despite the luxury feel, it wasn’t a big apartment. Though perhaps it was for a city apartment. I’d only ever lived in mansions, trapped in a single room, but still a mansion. This place was about as big as my bedroom at Rafe’s combined, but just as highly furnished. The kitchen was the entrance, with a compact bar area against the wall, and there was nothing in there apart from some non-perishable food and a jar of coffee. All well prepped for those on the run to hide at the drop of a hat.

The living room was cozy, the sofa luxurious and plush, but again, shoved to the wall with little fanfare. A TV I craved to watch and a small cabinet filled with liquor bottles finished the space. Then there was the narrow hall, the bedroom where Theo still slept, and the bathroom.

I imagined being trapped here for a long time, nesting here with my brother, and yeah, I could be happy with that. Anywhere with him, a dumpster or a dirty hovel, and I’d be content. A smile settled on my face as I stretched my arms out and flexed my neck. Here would do. With luxuries I wasn't used to, good I could eat whenever I wanted and the man I was deeply in love with to just exist beside? A forlorn sensation dripped over me when I realized just how far out of reach that truly was.

My mind still skittering around, I flopped onto the sofa to watch the city at night drift by, to try to enjoy this moment I had to myself. I fidgeted when something dug into my thigh and rooted around in the cushions to find the hard object. A tablet.

I knew what one was because of the phone Theo’d snuck me back home, and my heart skipped a beat at the idea I might be able to get onto the internet. I felt childish for a moment, that innocence when I knew the world was so ahead of what I'd been allowed growing up gnawing on me.

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