Page 3 of To Have and to Hold

“Will you let me do it, Theo?” I whispered, grounding myself with the touch of his warm palms over the back of my hands. “Will you let me go?”

He took some long, steadying breaths before responding. His voice shuddered. “I would.” He paused. “But I would have to follow you down.”

I gasped, my eyes flying open to find his ablaze. Anguished. Then, a strong hand yanked me forward, away from the window. And for one blissful second, I was weightless, like I could be falling, like the tug in my gut was because I was going down, not because I was being forced up.

We fell to our knees, and I fought back a sob for all that would happen now, all that was destined to be taken from me. I didn’t want to face it, not a single moment of it. But without the comfort of death, I had no choice.

The photographer would be here soon, so I tried to calm myself down, focusing on the loving, steadying touch of my brother. It would be harder to hide the red cheek from the slap my mother would deliver if I cried and ruined the photos. I couldn’t face another inch of make-up, so I shook my head and pushed it all away.

The photographer walked in the moment we were both back on our feet, ignoring what had almost happened. One of Rafe’s men followed him in, a tall man with brown hair tucked behind his ears and a frown on his face that spoke of wanting to be anywhere else.

“I’ll be over here,” Theo muttered to me, touching the base of my spine before stepping away, watching from the corner as the photographer directed me into position and Rafe’s man studied every movement.

Every so often, our eyes would meet. And it wasn’t evil I found there. There was a softness I didn’t anticipate.

Maybe he could be the one. My plan. My stupid plan. A man, I needed a man, any would do. Maybe Theo.

AsTheoandIwalked through the narrow hall of the dark church, back towards our mother to deliver me to the horror, he nudged my shoulder with his.

“I saw that enormous cake earlier, bet you could fuck with that somehow. It’s huge. Hide in it and I’ll wheel you out to freedom?” Theo teased, walking slow. Only a few more corners to turn before we reached our destination. The little room next to the church entrance, where we could listen to the guests file in while my heart continued to chip away little by little.

I laughed, but it turned into a gulping sob, one I had to suck back. One that choked me and panicked me for a second as I fought against the surprise of the potent emotion. It wasn’t supposed to come out, needed it to stay buried deep. I halted, grabbed my chest, still laughing and biting back tears as Theo grasped my shoulders and waited me out. His eyes were intense on me again, tracking every breath I took in. If only he’d let me jump. Let me lean out of that window and fall with a smile on my face and the warmth of the sun on my cheeks.

“Say the word, Vi, and I’ll get you out of here.” His voice was low, harsh, and I saw the hard man he’d been raised to be. “I will burn this fucking church down if you need me to.”

“Theo,” I gasped.

“I’ll do anything, little sis,” he said again. “Anything.”

I opened my mouth to ask for something. That anything he promised. It was on the tip of my tongue, a disgusting, horrifying truth that I wanted to blurt out. But I recognized it for what it was. Desperation. Fear. It’s not what he meant, there was a hard, firm limit, one I should never even think about crossing.

So I shook my head.

And our mother’s voice screeched through the hall.

“Violet!” she yelled in a way only she could, where her face didn’t move more than a twitch. “Guests are arriving. Don’t embarrass yourself.”

Theo leaned in closer, and whispered in my ear, “Don’t be sogarish, little sis.”

Chapter 2

Violet

Myhusbandmarriedavirgin. And it made me sick.

We moved through the motions of the ceremony, my father walking me down an aisle lined with thorny vines to pretty music I didn't recognize, handing me over like the transaction hadn’t happened months ago, and leaving me there, with the monster with soulless eyes and a black smile. Rafael and I performed for the sizeable crowd of unrecognizable faces, an unpracticed but effortless show, and he swooped down to kiss my lips when the officiant declared our matrimony official. It was like other weddings I'd been to, in regular churches with the priest prattling on about god and duty, but darker somehow. The vows heavier, focused on men of the past, not deities, the decorations not of saints or pretty colored patterns in vast windows, but of thorns and knives and horrific scenes of torture depicted in enormous paintings.

Like a retrofitted Christian church the devil had descended on.

And, fitting in, I felt like a zombie the whole time, a puppet or doll being directed into position. Say these words. Nod your head, kiss your husband and smile. When he engulfed my hand in his and tugged me back down the aisle, while all around us pulsating faces smiled in and out of focus, my body was an empty vessel. I just existed how I was meant to for the show we put on.

Only when my eyes locked with Theo’s did I feel that spark of life. And he winked. My brother winked and broke the spell, causing reality to crash down on me. When I didn’t smile at him, in the split second we walked past his position near the front, his face fell. For the briefest moment, he appeared distraught. He concealed it as fast as I had, then I was gone, dragged to the back and blinking away tears.

I wanted to throw everyone off a cliff, or maybe myself. Definitely my husband. I envisioned the way the sharks would eat him, finger by finger, toe by toe, as the doors to the church slammed shut between us and the congregation.

In that moment, when it was only us, there was nothing. Rafael said not a word. I stood meek. There wasn’t even tension, it was just deadness, a lack of life. That lack I needed to get used to. He just sighed when I squeaked, and turned away, knowing I’d follow him.

Through dinner, through more photos and through being introduced and moved around in that puppetry, that lack remained steadfast.

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