Page 29 of To Have and to Hold

Iwokeuptiedto the ceiling in what I could only describe as a dilapidated cabin, somewhere on Rafe’s property. It wasn’t the first time, but I was usually awake when he brought mein. Naked, vulnerable and alone, he would let me sway there for hours, well into the night, before deigning to give me his presence. It was better to be left to rot. This wasn't a ceremony, but he was ritualistic in how he hurt me. Methodical, diabolical.

Even now, knowing what was coming, the fear I felt was of the unknown. It rocketed through me as Rafe stepped into the cabin and shut the door, a brief blow of cold air gusting over my goosebumped skin.

“Don’t you think this is what’s stopping me from getting pregnant?” I asked him, feeling bold. He paused his steps and turned to stare at me, surprise marring his ugly fucking face.

“I’m half sure that’s the first time you’ve spoken to me without being forced to,” he noted, humor flickering to distaste. “Not a fan of a mouthy woman.”

He had a table of tools in the room, a table I had never dared look at for too long in case it showed too much of my future. I saw him in my periphery as he gathered some items together and strode closer. His eyes blazed as he stuffed some musty fabric between my lips, shoving with his fingers until it was past my teeth.

“To stop you mouthing off again,” he told me. “One more word that isn’t praise or full-blown fucking adoration for me, and I’ll knock your teeth out.”

I knew he would, too. He’d threatened to rip my toenails off if I didn’t spread my legs, and they’d only just started to grow back. I didn’t even glare at him as he smirked. I let my eyes fall into submission instead, doll like and docile. Survival was becoming harder to care for.

We were eye level, my body stretched out to near breaking point, my tender toes scraping on the floor. I hated being this close to him, seeing him with such clarity, every bit of black in his soul. His smile was wide as a sharks, bitter and sharp, looming. He stepped closer so his clothes brushed against mybare skin until we were nose to nose. This was his element, everything he preached and sold to his followers, to everyone that wanted in on this sick world. My father. My family. This is what they wanted.

“Apologize,” he demanded.

But I couldn’t. My voice muffled in the back of my throat, the fabric sticking to my dry cheeks and making me gag.

“Apologize,” he repeated, a twinkle of glee spreading across the black when I fought to speak, tried to spit the fabric from my mouth to say sorry to this monster.

His fingers came between my lips, and I expected him to pull the fabric free, but he just pressed it in further until it covered my throat, the fabric scratching, his thick fingers probing, dragging against my teeth as he shoved and pressed until I couldn’t breathe.

Peace.

It wasn’t fear, but peace, that washed over me when my lungs failed to fill. My eyelids fluttered, my shoulders slumped, bliss. Close to bliss.

“You stupid bitch,” Rafe growled, slapping my cheek before ripping the fabric from my mouth. I gasped in a lungful of dank air and cried out in frustration. So fucking close. “Apologize!” he yelled, spittle flying from his mouth, anger making him red and purple.

“I’m sorry,” I said fast, letting the word spill from me with no restraint. I needed him to believe I was. I needed to believe it myself so I could switch off, go to oblivion, pretend to be already dead so it didn’t hurt so bad. Maybe he would kill me this time. Maybe that bliss could come.

Rafe smirked, his eyes crinkling, and he just watched me, like he was waiting for me to crack. “I don’t even know what to do to you any more, stupid fucking girl.”

“Please,” I cried, terror making it hard to focus, making it hard to understand what I was even pleading for. My belly and chest squeezed with it, and I felt so, so vulnerable. Exposed. Open in the worst way. I wanted Theo. Needed my brother with absolute desperation. Him, or death. Theo or no more air.

“No.” He shook his head, stepping away with a sigh. “I’m not interested in you any more.” He whistled a three note tune, and two men strolled in. My heart bottomed out like it had fallen through my body and onto the floor with a wet squelch. Another layer, another way for things to get worse. I saw the look in their eye, in Rafe’s. He was done keeping me for himself. “Don’t worry,” he said. “They’ll use condoms. Just in case that useless cunt between your legs does decide to work, I don’t want there to be any doubt who put that baby in there." He stepped back and contemplated me. "Maybe it's time to end you like I did the others. Find someone new. Let my friends have their fill after all… I've kept them back, you know. The other women have had to take the brunt of those braying pigs."

“No,” I groaned, trying to scramble myself back. “Please no.”Theo or death. Theo or death.

Les and one of the brothers sidled in. Both appeared drunk, like Rafe, stinking of alcohol and swaying, joking to each other as they stumbled in my direction. Another man entered, waiting by the door with his head bowed. He seemed different to the others, submissive in a way I hadn’t seen. Smaller, too. I didn’t know where to look, what to focus on.

Oblivion. That’s where I needed to be.

But Rafe sank down into a chair and spread his legs in the same moment Les and the other guard reached me, and my eyes flickered to the movement. I saw the submissive man tip toe over and sit at Rafe’s feet, gazing up at him with a docile, almost adoring expression.

I didn’t have time to process it, though, before Les slapped me across the cheek, making me cry out and sway. He laughed when my toes curled under me and my full weight landed with a crunch on my wrists.

“Look at this bitch, Jack,” Les said to his buddy as he grabbed between my legs and squeezed, his slimy fingers clawed at my pussy and my skin crawled. “She rejected me before, now she’s dripping.”

I was bone dry, I knew that, but he lived in his fantasy, lifting the hand to his mouth to suck on his fingers like what was there was meant for him. Ants skittered across my body, and I shriveled up like an old potato. I didn’t like the fear, didn’t get off on it. I only craved Theo. Wanted to disappear into my head and think only of him while these men ravaged me.

I tried, I fucking tried, to picture Les’s death. At the hands of a rogue chainsaw or a mismanaged forklift truck accident, but my mind kept me in the present.

“Lift her leg,” Les demanded of Jack, and he obliged, moving behind me and forcing my knee to bend, bringing it to my chest with ease even though I fought him. At the same time, I heard a zipper coming down, but it wasn’t Les or Jack, it was Rafe’s. The slight man lowered his head over Rafe’s crotch and began to suck on his cock, while Rafe watched me suffer.

He smirked when our eyes caught. Then someone’s fingers prodded into me and I screamed. They maimed and manhandled me, three hands grasping and grabbing, yanking on my nipples until I was sure they were going to rip off, punching at my sides until bruises started blooming.

I took it all, only wincing at the force of the pain, never letting my despair show. None of it sunk deeper than surface level.

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