Page 28 of To Have and to Hold

He didn’t come back. And my heart cracked.

Chapter 16

Violet

Thelightsclickedoffagain when Theo left, and not just those in the room. I dimmed, curled up on the floor with my hands reaching towards nothing, clawed into the carpet after my heart walked away.

When I dragged myself up to the bathroom to splash water and life back into my face, the rest of my food vanished, along with my pillows, curtains and any remaining shred of dignity. The brief reprieve had been a show for the softest of our family. I had no doubt if it was Charlie or Father coming to visit, Rafe wouldn’t have bothered. It was strange, and I didn't understand it.

My punishment resumed, and I had to wonder why Rafe even cared what Theo saw. But it was all empty. Empty empty room and life and heart. I let my body slump back to the floor with an undignified grunt.

Four hours passed, and I didn’t move, my mind reeling from what had happened with Theo. He’d injected me with something, pierced through my thigh until I could feel the liquid flooding under my skin. He was the only person I had left to trust, so I had to believe whatever he’d done it was for the good. I had to have faith in him. Even when he deserted me crying and shouting for him, a broken mess on the floor. I had to keep that faith. Somehow.

The door opened, and I gasped, braced, expecting Rafe to come bounding in to force me into submission or hurt me some more, to hurt and jibe and punish for having a moment of peace with my brother. But it was Gabe, with a mug in his hands and a banana sticking out of his jacket pocket. He was frowning as he shut the door behind him, making sure it didn’t slam, gesturing for me to stay quiet. Someone else needing to sneak around to be nice to me. Proving how minuscule my value was.

With open curiosity, and a little fear, I watched him come closer, place the steaming mug on my bedside table alongside the bruised banana. I stood on wobbly legs.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, still tense, as he stepped back. He looked sad, his lips pulled tight together in a frown. This close, I could see him better, even though there was little light. His brown hair hung over his face, around chin length and straight. His eyes were small, but warm, and his smile was tentative.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I heard them bragging about keeping you starved and in the dark until you’d stopped, uh… you know, bleeding.” He sighed. “I couldn’t do nothing. It didn’t feel right. I’ve got sisters, you know.” He scratched the back of his neck and huffed.

I didn’t know how to handle his kindness, but the idea of people talking about me, about punishing me, laughing and guffawing together. It made me nauseous.

“I can’t leave this stuff in here though, so you better eat it quick.” He gestured to the banana, and figuring there was no way for him to mess with the still unpeeled fruit, I grabbed it.

“Thank you,” I whispered, biting down and chewing. He looked away, seeming uncomfortable, but nodded.

“And that’s a coffee.” He tipped his head to the mug. “Black, one sugar, how I have it. I had to, uh, be subtle, you know? But I’ll try to bring you something every time I’m on duty.”

“Won’t someone be watching the room?” I asked, mid-chew, trying to be as quick as possible. “I am aware there are cameras.”

“Only me,” he replied. “Whoever’s on duty at your door.”

I took the kindness for what it was, unable to do anything more with it. Had he helped Theo sneak in? “I appreciate it,” I said, finishing the banana. “Gabe.”

He smiled at his name, and like Les, I saw how young he was. The others, the ones that were clearly brothers, they looked older, closer to Rafe’s age, but Les and Gabe were in their twenties, for sure. Gabe ran his hand through his hair to push it away from his face and watched me drink the coffee. It was bitter, but the warm liquid down my throat was so welcomed. How did a man like him, with clear warmth in him, end up here? Under Rafael's thumb?

I nodded my thanks again when he gestured to the mug to ask if I was done, and I handed it back to him empty, with the banana skin shoved inside.

“I’ll be back when I can,” Gabe said, then left me in the dark to contemplate my life. At least I wasn’t starving now. And maybe I had an ally in here after all.

Gabedidn’tmanagetoget me any more food, but every morning, Lucy brought me a small cup of water, delivering it after checking my bathroom bin for tampons. I wondered what she would do when she found none, and at last, when no more tampons appeared in the bin, she left and the lights came back on. My value has resumed, it seemed. Twenty minutes after that, she delivered a plate of eggs and a pot of tea. I decided to trust the eggs.

And that became the routine. For three long, horrible months, when my period arrived, the deprivation would begin. In between, Rafe would fuck me every day. Rough, violent, fast or dragging it out for hours, whatever he wanted. I just had to take it. And when it didn’t work, when he had no use for me, the lights went off, the food went away, and I signaled the end with Lucy via no tampons.

Gabe came when he could, sneaking me his snacks and sometimes his lunch. I always took it with quiet gratitude, and he never stayed long, never pushed for more. But I was so desperate for a connection, any humanity, that I found myself clinging to the idea of his visits. Some of my weakness from not eating abated. I didn’t know why I’d refused, maybe for the only bit of control I could have. But Gabe. I had to trust that Gabe was doing all he could and eating food from himwasa form of control. That fueling my body on our secret terms was defying Rafe. I’d talked myself into believing Gabe was connected to Theo somehow, and if I was nice to him, he would bring my brother back.

I wanted Theo, dreamed of him storming into the place, killing everyone and rescuing me with his hair sweeping back in the wind and his chest all puffed out. But I would take what I could get. I’d welcome human connection from a bloody talking bin if it meant a conversation.

That became the routine, one I could rely on. Theo never returned. Rafe didn’t tease me with his or Charlie’s presence. I saw not a soul but Rafe, Lucy and the occasional member of staff. Gabe didn’t linger. And Lucy didn’t talk. Loneliness ate at my flesh, down to my bones. Like cockroaches crawling all over me or a piranha bath washing across my beaten skin. And through it all, I saw nothing of this cult, no rituals or ceremonies. Nothing.

As usual, when Lucy left with no need to collect the rubbish from the bin, the light failed to flicker back on. Five minutes past, then twenty, then an hour. But the routine had changed, and I felt unduly messed up by it. No immediate arrivals with food or horror. Just more silence.

When the door crashed open, almost as if it had been kicked, I screamed and scrambled to the wall. Rafe marched in, straight for me, grappling me by my neck until my oxygen cut off.

“Time to kick things up a notch, I think,” he said, growling and squeezing until the pressure in my head built and I felt like I was going to pop. "I'm fucking sick of you being so useless." I couldn’t suck in a breath, swallow or even blink. I was so frozen in shock as he choked the life out of me. “I’ve had a bad fucking day and you’re the perfect way to make it better.”

My vision went black, and I was aware of my entire body slumping against Rafe as I passed out.

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