Page 91 of Impending Consent

Diana nodded, encouraging me to continue.

"Rival is patient, kind, and infuriatingly persistent. I did this but he wanted this and sometimes I wonder..." I trailed off, surprised by my willingness to be vulnerable with her.

"Wonder what?" she said quietly.

"If I'm enough and if I can be what he needs and deserves."

Diana's expression softened. "Oh, honey."

"I'm good at my job. Law makes sense to me. There are rules, precedents, and a structure to follow. I studied and mastered it, but this, marriage, love, relationships, there's no way to study or prepare and master it. I'm terrified of failing."

Terrified of failing him. Disappointing him and then he decides to leave me…

"You think there's a right way to love someone?" Diana asked.

"There has to be and whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it doesn't start with how we ended up here."

Diana surprised me by laughing. "Let me tell you something about love, Sailor. There's no perfect way to do it. No formula, no prescription, no master class. Lord knows Terrell and I figured that out the hard way."

"But you had a good marriage?”

"We had a real marriage," she corrected. "With struggles and joys and everything in between. We fought like hell sometimes. We hurt each other's feelings. We made mistakes but we kept choosing each other and kept trying to understand one another better because the most important thing you can do to get it right is show up. It can’t work if you’re not there or if you’re not invested."

I absorbed her words and tried to process them in relation to my own fears.

"Let me ask you something. What scares you more? The thought of trying and failing at this marriage or the thought of walking away and not trying?"

The question gut punched me. I had been so focused on my fears of inadequacy that I hadn't fully processed the alternative.

"Walking away," I admitted quickly. “I want this to work. I want him."

Diana smiled, reaching over to pat my hand. "Then you're already halfway there, honey."

"But what if I'm not good at being his wife, at loving him right?"

"Child, nobody's good at marriage, not really. We're all just doing our best and learning as we go. The beautiful part isn't in being perfect, it's in being vulnerable enough to keep trying and keep growing together."

"Rival deserves someone who knows how to do this," I argued weakly.

Not a wife who wanted a temporary fix…

"Rival deserves someone who loves him for who he is, who challenges him to be better, and who is willing to do the work. From what I've observed today, that someone might just be you."

I blinked several times before my mouth decided to work. "You think so?"

"I do. You’ll take it one day at a time. There’s no finish line to cross or some huge goal to accomplish. Approach it all with honesty, giving grace, and with the understanding that love isn't always easy but it’s always a choice. Every morning, you wake up and choose that person again. Like I said, you show up."

I thought about this marriage to Rival and how we navigated conflicts, built routines, and had been settling into whatever we were. I also considered how I had begun to feel more myself with him than I ever had with anyone else. I wasn’t anxious or stressed and the most important thing was that I felt like I belonged. I wasn’t as resentful as I had been in the past when it came to my siblings and I was honestly beginning to understand that resentment was self-imposed. They never asked me to be the one to carry the weight of our father’s expectations, that was all me. I made the decision to do so and resented them for my choice. I had to be the strong one and that ruined me because…

"I'm afraid," I confessed. "I've spent my whole life avoiding this kind of vulnerability."

"Of course you're afraid. Love someone is terrifying. You’re giving them control to make you happy and that also means they can break your heart." Diana laughed softly. "It's the biggest risk we ever take, but baby, the alternative, living safe but closed off, is its own kind of heartbreak. Who the hell wants that?"

"How do you know if it's worth it?"

"You don't, not with absolute certainty, but look at you now, Sailor. You’re sitting here worried about whether you can be enough for my son. That tells me your heart's already made its choice even if your head is still playing catch up."

Before I could respond Rival appeared in the doorway with his sleeves rolled up and a dish towel draped over his shoulder. "Everything okay out here?"

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