Page 54 of Impending Consent

"You sleep with this?" His tone wasn't mocking, just curious.

"Sometimes.” I sighed. “When I need to."

He bunched her in his arms, feeling out the weight. "It's heavier than it looks."

"She’s weighted. For anxiety." The words came out before I could stop them.

"So this is your secret. The fierce Sailor Addison sleeps with a weighted hippo."

"Go ahead, laugh." I lifted my chin. "I don't care."

"I'm not laughing, Sail." He handed Hippo back to me. “She’s unexpected but she also makes sense."

I clutched Hippo to my chest, feeling way too exposed.

“Why does she make sense?”

“Because the alternative is you going to therapy which means completely relinquishing control to another person and that’s not the Sailor Addison way.”

“I’ve done therapy.”

He arched his brow in challenge and I grinned.

“Okay so maybe I did the consultation and told her what I felt my issues were, made her listen to me self-diagnose, and then left.”

Rival chuckled and shook his head.

“I have an issue with control.”

“You abso-fucking-lutely have an issue with control, Sail.” He reached out and tugged at Hippo’s ear. “But I’m glad you have her because it’s a very subtle way of admitting you need help. Even if it’s just from a weighted stuffed friend.”

I sighed. "No one knows about her. Not even Sky or Teej."

"Why not?"

I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. "It never came up and it's private."

"It's more than that." He sat on the edge of the bed, motioning to the space beside him.

Reluctantly, I sat, holding Hippo close to my chest. "After TJ's breakdown, I started having these moments of panic. Wondering if I had the same tendencies and if one day I might break like he did. I remembered how my stuffed animals comforted me as a kid, so I got Hippo. The weight helps when everything feels like it's spinning out of control."

"What situations make you feel out of control?"

"Work stress, family stuff. When Sky refused to work for our dad’s firm and he was furious. When TJ was at his lowest and shut everyone out. A lot of things. I was the one who had to keep it together and be strong. Hippo..." I gestured to the stuffed animal. "She was the only one who saw me fall apart."

"Why couldn't your siblings see that side of you?"

"Because they needed me to be strong. Sky was fighting for independence and TJ was fighting for his life. They didn't need my problems on top of their own."

"So you kept it all inside and only let it out here." He nodded to Hippo. "With her."

"Sounds pathetic when you put it like that."

"Not pathetic, Sail," he said firmly. "Human. We all need something to hold onto when the world gets to be too heavy."

I looked at him, completely surprised by the understanding in his eyes. "What do you hold onto?"

"My work, mostly. There's something about creating with my hands that grounds me. But I get it. Everyone has their thing."

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