Page 103 of Impending Consent

"Bullshit. I saw her online. We could be professional doppelgängers."

"On paper, maybe, but you and Armesa are nothing alike where it matters." I choose my words carefully. "Armesa was calculating, always measuring the cost benefit of what we were and every fucking emotion. She saw vulnerability as weakness, saw relationships as transactions that either helped or hurt her career. When it came down to it, she chose advancing her career over building a life with me. Is that who you think you are? Because I damn sure disagree."

I sat on the coffee table, facing her even though she refused to look at me.

"Sail, you protect yourself because you're afraid of being hurt, not because you don't feel. You build walls because you care too much, not too little. When you let those walls down, you love fiercely, wholly. You're loyal to your family, committed to your clients, and even when you're being stubborn as hell, I feel your heart. She never had that. You’re not the fucking same."

Sailor's eyes finally lifted to mine. She was conflicted but listening.

"And for the record, you initiated things with me, remember? I wasn't out looking for a replacement. I was hired to do a job and you were the one who decided marriage was the only way to get me in your bed."

Realization settled into her expression but was followed by that same suspicion. "Convenient timing, though. You were available, celibate, resistant until I proposed marriage. You could have been waiting for the right woman to plug and play.”

I ran a hand over my face, feeling even more frustrated.

"That's not what fucking happened and I think you know that. I was celibate because my relationship with Armesa endedbadly. I needed time. I was resistant to sleeping with you because I respected you and didn't want a casual hookup and I agreed to your insane ass proposal because I saw something worth exploring. It was only ever about you, Sail."

"Why didn't you tell me about her? If she meant nothing and it was truly irrelevant and your past, why keep it secret?" This was the real question finally surfacing. Sail’s insecurities had taken over.

"Because I knew how it would look and if I told you about her, you would do exactly what you're doing now. Assume the worst, protect yourself, retreat. I wanted us to have a real chance."

"That wasn't your decision to make.”

"No, it wasn't and I apologize. I should have trusted you with the truth but I was afraid of losing you before I even had a chance to have you."

She was quiet for a long moment, studying my face. "How do I know you're telling the truth now and that you want me for me, not as a replacement for her?"

"Because I'm here, Sail. When things got hard with her, I walked away. I didn’t even consider fighting because I knew she wasn’t what I wanted but with you I'm going to fucking fight. I'm always going to show up and I’m always going to choose you. Every fucking time, even when you're pushing me away."

I reached for her hand, feeling relieved when she didn't pull away. "It could only ever be you and not because you remind me of someone else but because you're you. Stubborn, brilliant, passionate, infuriatingly you. The woman who demanded I marry her while drunk off her ass. The woman who holds her stuffed hippo when she's anxious but would rather die than let anyone see that vulnerability. The woman who trusted me to be what she needed."

A tear slipped down her cheek and I reached up to brush it away. "I love you, Sailor. Not some idea of you, butyou, exactly as you are."

"This felt real to me and then..."

"We are real. This doesn't change a damn thing. If you can say you don’t feel who and what I am to you, then cool, I’ll respect that but I know you do."

"You hurt me," she said softly. "Finding out like that from my father of all people..."

"I know and I'm sorry. I fucked that up. If I could go back and tell you everything from the beginning, I would, but I can't change the past. I can only promise to be honest going forward and earn back your trust."

She was quiet for so long I began to worry that she would shut down completely. "I need time, Rival. This is a lot to process."

"I understand and I can give you that but I'm not walking away. You’re going to give me this year to prove that you didn’t make a mistake."

"I'm not saying that. I just need space to think for a minute. Can I have tonight?"

“Nah, that don’t work for me.”

“It’s one night. I just…”

I could push but pushing didn’t work with my wife and regardless of what the hell happened I wasn’t letting her go. She could have one night.

"Aight, you got that but you’re coming home tomorrow so we can talk more?"

She hesitated then nodded. "I'll come by after work."

It wasn't the resolution I fucking wanted but it would have to be enough for now. I stood, knowing pushing further tonight would only make things worse. "I love you, Sail. That's neverbeen in question, ever, and I need you to feel me when I say that. Don’t just hear the words, feel that shit, okay?"

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