Page 59 of Shattered Sanctuary

“Erin, I suspect that you not only blame your sister for the death of your parents, you’re also angry with them. Angry that they left you. And you’re angry at God for not preventing their deaths—even though He had nothing to do with it. I realize your sister’s drug use was the reason they went out on the roads that night of the accident. But do you really think your sister wanted that accident to happen? Of course she didn’t.” Kaely sighed. “Oh, Erin. You’ve been hard on your sister and because of that, you’ve been hard on yourself. In your mind, there’s no room for error. No forgiveness for weakness. If you forgive your sister—and your parents—then you’d have to forgive yourself. And you haven’t wanted to do that.”

She paused for a moment, but Erin couldn’t respond to what she’d said. She just stared down at her teacup.

“I know it’s hard to face what I’m saying, but it’s normal for someone who is grieving to have misplaced anger toward a loved one who dies. Rather than consciously blaming them, you find someone else to shoulder the guilt. In this case, it’s your sister. And in Sarah’s death—it’s you. So, how do you live with it? The guilt, the anger, the blame over your parents’ deaths? You join the police force. You need to fight back at the darkness that’s robbed you of your parents, your sister, and your ability to believe in God. But, Erin, you carried all that guilt and false sense of responsibility over into your job.”

Her eyes sought Erin’s. She wanted to look away, but she couldn’t. Although it was hard to hear, something told her that Kaely was speaking the truth.

“And I did the same thing with Scott?”

“What do you think? You told me that in your dream—scratch that—yournightmare, you tried to get to Scott, but you couldn’t. You were trying to wade through blood that was so thick you could barely move?”

Erin nodded.

“Again, his blood was at your feet. You were taking the blame for him as well. My dear, dear friend. No one can handle all this guilt and be healthy. And certainly not happy.” Kaely pursed her lips and blew out a quick breath of air. “You keep your gun locked in a metal box. You told me you haven’t taken it out for quite some time, is that right?”

Erin could only nod.

“It’s because you’ve had thoughts of using it on yourself, isn’t it?”

“No, of course not,” Erin said, her words sounding like quick bursts of gunfire.

“You just lied to me.”

Erin got to her feet and walked away from the couch. This was too much. Really. She appreciated Kaely’s attempts to help her, but she was getting too close.

Kaely got up and walked up to her. Then she gently took her hands. “Tell me the truth,” she said gently. “I already know it, but you need to say it.”

Erin tried to wrestle her hands from Kaely’s, but she wouldn’t let go. The harder she tried to pull away, the tighter Kaely’s grip became. Finally, she cried out. “Okay, okay. You’re right. I didn’t believe I could go on anymore after what happened.” She squeezed Kaely’s hands. “But I don’t feel that way anymore. I mean, I know I still have a lot to work through, but you’ve helped me to see a path through the pain. And... and I think I’m finally able to see a way out.” She blinked away tears. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“You’re right. You have a long road to walk, but I think you’re on the way. I’ll be here for you, Erin. But please remember that God is the One who can heal you completely. Think about that?”

“I will. I promise.” At one point, she might have said something like that as a way to get Kaely to back off. But now she meant it with her whole heart.

FORTY

The next day, Erin awoke to a world gone white. Everything was covered in snow, but the worst of the storm was still on the horizon. Although Kaely and Erin weren’t certain Steve would want Chester on one of the beds, they decided that ignorance was bliss. Chester had followed Erin to bed as if he’d been doing it for years. He seemed to know that she needed him. It appeared she not only had a dog, but an emotional support animal. He’d cuddled up next to her in the bed, and she’d slept with her arm around him.

Kaely made waffles and sausage for breakfast. Their conversation was light and nonconfrontational. It was as if Kaely knew Erin needed a break from the heaviness of the night before. She knew Kaely had spoken truth to her. Her profile was spot on, and Erin knew she had to make some changes. But how? Was Kaely right? Was it time to give God a chance in her life?

After they ate and cleaned up the kitchen, Erin fed Chester and took him out. He was obviously potty-trained. There hadn’t been any messes in the house, and he knew exactlywhat to do once they stepped outside. Erin took an empty plastic bag with her to pick up his waste and put the bag in the trash cart at the side of the cabin.

As they walked back toward the house, Chester suddenly stopped and stared out toward the woods.

“I’d really rather you not do that,” Erin said. “With everything going on lately, it’s a little spooky.”

Chester stared a little longer, and then looked up at her and gave her a goofy doggy smile.

“Are you ready to go in?” she asked as if he were going to answer her.

He tugged on the belt and led her toward the front door. She was freezing and was wearing a thick coat. He had to be cold. As they approached the door, she looked up at the sky. Dark clouds were on the horizon. Probably the most serious part of the storm.

Erin wiped her snow-covered feet on the mat and opened the door. She and Chester came inside to find a towel spread out on the floor. Once again, Erin wiped her feet and then dried Chester’s.

“How did he do?” Kaely asked.

“Great. He’s a really smart dog. But for a minute he acted as if something in the woods caught his attention.”

“I didn’t hear him barking,” Kaely said.

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