Page 54 of Shattered Sanctuary

She’d been praying that God would give her the right words to say to Erin, but even more, that he would give her ears to hear Erin’s heart. She’d noticed the locked gun box in Erin’s room and wondered why she hadn’t opened it. She’d told Kaely once that she wasn’t certain she’d ever pick up a gun again. So why was it here? Locked in a box? There was one explanation, but that possibility horrified her. She was trying so hard not to feel responsible for Erin, to leave that concern to God, but ever since she’d noticed the box, fear pricked at her thoughts constantly.

Please help her, Father. Open her heart and her mind to You. You’re her only true hope.

Kaely had to let the Holy Spirit lead her. If she pushed Erin too far...Stop it. Put this in His hands.

Erin took a sip of cocoa and then set her cup down on the coffee table. The snow was really starting to come down, and the wind was picking up. The outside lights showed trees whose branches were rippling in the wind. This was only the beginning. If the forecasters were correct, it was going to get much, much worse.

Kaely took a drink of her hot chocolate and slowly put it down. She was sitting in the overstuffed chair near the end of the sofa where Erin sat, a soft blue throw pulled up around her as if she were cold. But the room was nice and warm. Her reaction wasn’t caused by the temperatures. It came from something else. Fear. Fear was cold and mind numbing. Kaely took a deep breath.

“So, Erin,” she said. “We’ve talked quite a bit about your nightmares and how you have a hard time sleeping.”

“Yeah. And thank you for taking my calls in the middle of the night. I’m not sure even people who called themselves my friends would have done that. I can’t imagine what Noah thinks of me.”

“Like I told you, when Noah goes to sleep, he’s out. He could sleep through an earthquake.”

Erin smiled. “I’m glad I haven’t disturbed him. His work with the BAU is important.”

Kaely nodded. “He loves it, and I can live through him vicariously. Although he can’t discuss details of his cases, he does talk about the profiles they work.” She shook her head. “Now, quit trying to make me talk about myself. You’re deflecting.”

Erin looked away. “Fair enough.”

“Look, we came here so you could talk. I don’t live in St. Louis anymore, so once we leave this place, you won’t have to see me.”

“I still think it’s odd that you used to live there. Makes me wonder if we ever crossed paths.”

“It’s possible.”

“I know you think it’s easier for me that you live in another part of the country,” Erin said, “but still, I think it would be nice if we were closer.”

“You might feel that right now,” Kaely said, “but knowing that you won’t see me again for a while might make it easier to be honest with me.”

“Maybe.” Erin reached for her box of Mallomars. She took one out and then held out the box to Kaely, who shook her head. It was obvious they comforted her.

“My mom used to buy them for us as a special treat,” Erin said. “They remind me of her.”

That explained it. Kaely smiled. “I hear you. When I bake brownies, I think of my mother. She made them before... well, before my father was arrested and we went into hiding from the world. She didn’t bake after that.”

“I’m sorry,” Erin said. “Sometimes I forget about everything you went through. You seem so... together.”

“It took time, but God healed me. It’s all due to Him.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “So, tell me the things you’ve never said before, Erin. The things you don’t want to say. What is the one memory or thought you have that you don’t want to share with anyone?”

Erin’s eyes filled with tears. “That’s easy. The night the girl died. When I found out I killed her.”

“Tell me about that.”

“We’ve talked about that.”

“True,” Kaely said. “We’ve talkedaboutthat. But I want to know how you really feel—down deep inside.”

“I... I don’t know if I can.” Erin got up and began to pace the floor. Chester raised his head and watched her.

“Yes. Yes, you can.” Kaely paused for a moment. Then she said, “Erin, I worked for the FBI. I’ve seen the worst humanity has to offer. When I was with the BAU, we had cases that... well, let’s just say that we saw and learned things about evil that shouldn’t even be whispered about in the dark. Depravity that defies explanation. I had dreams too. Nightmares. And I watched coworkers take their lives because they couldn’t handle it. There isn’t anything you can say to me that I haven’t heard before. I’ve also listened to other agents tell me about the innocent people who died in front of them. You’re not the only one.”

“Did these coworkers actually kill them?” Erin asked with anger in her voice.

“Yes. On several occasions. When firing back in self-defense, innocent people have died. I knew one guy who was trying to make a man put down the knife he held to his little boy’s neck. He thought he’d talked the guy down. But as he approached him with his hand out for the knife, the man suddenly slit his own child’s throat.”

Erin stopped walking and looked at her. “That’s horrendous.”

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