Page 34 of Shattered Sanctuary

Erin looked surprised. For just a moment, Kaely wondered if she’d made a mistake. Should she have kept her process to herself? Was Erin a true friend—or just an acquaintancethat she’d worked with? Could she really trust her? Kaely’s gut told her she could, but she couldn’t worry about it now. She needed to get this profile written up. She’d email it to Adrian tonight, but she wanted to take a hard copy with her to the police station and go over it with him tomorrow. It was important to make certain he understood it.

“How do you feel about being here?” Kaely asked. “It never occurred to me that you’d come face-to-face with a serial killer.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I really am. This was supposed to be a time for you to relax and talk about how you’ve been feeling.”

Erin shrugged. “Well, I wanted to get my mind off of... that night. This should certainly do it.”

“That might be true, but I can think of lots of other ways to distract you.”

“Look,” Erin said, “I’m going to bed. You need to write up your profile, and I don’t want to interfere. Unless there’s something I can do to help?”

“No, there really isn’t. You go ahead. I’ll get this done and then turn in myself.” She pointed at Erin. “Tomorrow we’ll spend some time shopping in town. It will be fun. And even though the idea of a winter storm is a little worrisome, getting snowed in will give us time to talk. I’ve found that most serial killers stay home during bad weather.”

Erin stared at her for a moment before she burst out laughing. “I’m so sorry,” she said, gasping for air. “For some reason that just struck me wrong. Serial killers are afraid of bad weather? Who knew?”

Kaely had to laugh with her. Her comment was based on statistics, but it really was a little funny.

“There was that one case I told you about,” Kaely said.“The killer who called himself the Snowman? Now he wasn’t afraid of a good snowstorm.”

Erin’s eyes widened, and her mouth quivered. This time it was Kaely who laughed.

“Okay, this has been a very odd day, and I think we’re both tired,” Kaely said. “Before we disgrace ourselves any further, why don’t you get some sleep?”

Erin stood up. “I think that’s a good idea. And let’s promise each other that we’ll never tell anyone that we got the giggles talking about serial killers, okay?”

“You have my word. I would never live it down.”

“I know you think going into town tomorrow will help me, but...”

Kaely nodded. “I realize it will take some courage, Erin, but you know you can’t keep hiding from the world, right?”

Erin started to respond, but Kaely interrupted her. “Look, I showed you something very few people have seen. I did so because I trust you. Now, I want you to trust me. You’re strong enough to do this, and I’ll be right there with you. I won’t leave you alone.”

“I know my fear seems ridiculous,” Erin said, “but it feels real.”

“I never doubted that for a moment, but it’s because you’re afraid of giving up control. That’s what agoraphobia is. But the truth is, you’ve given fear control. What you’re fighting against is what you’ve actually given into.” Kaely shook her head. “You can do this. Like I said, I’ll be with you—and so will God. Trust me? Maybe give Him a chance?”

Erin stared at something past Kaely for several seconds, then she met Kaely’s eyes. “Okay. I really don’t want to give into this anymore. Maybe this is the day I finally get free of it.”

“It might take a little longer, but still, one day at a time.” She smiled at Erin who nodded back. Then she said good-night, picked up her cup and took it to the kitchen. After that, she headed up the stairs to her bedroom.

Once Kaely heard the bedroom door close, she spoke softly to God. “Help me to help her, God,” she said. “She’s hurting, and I need Your wisdom. I came here because I believe You told me to. So I have to trust that You’ve prepared her heart and that You’ll use me. And please help me write this profile. Here I am, tracking a serial killer again. Did I leave the Bureau too soon? Maybe it wasn’t Your will for me to walk away.” She sighed. “I’ve got to put this in Your hands. Right now, I have to concentrate on Erin. I trust You to heal her and show her how much she needs You. Thanks, Lord.”

She felt better. Carrying the weight of her time with Erin was too much to bear. She could see how much Erin needed God, but she had to be very careful. If she pushed her too much, it could cause her to shut down.

Kaely sighed and picked up her phone. Then she started listening to the recording of her session. As her own voice played back, she made notes and began writing the profile. She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was almost eleven, and it would take her at least a couple of hours to write this the way it needed to be done. She felt as if she could sleep for twenty-four hours and still not get enough rest. But right now, tracking a serial killer was important. Lives were at stake. He had to be caught before she and Erin left. She couldn’t leave knowing he was still around, stalking and killing women.

When Erin got to her room, she closed the door, started a fire in the fireplace, and then sat down on an overstuffed chair in the corner. Did Kaely think she was nuts? She hadn’t planned to laugh like that. It seemed so... insensitive. It was just nerves. She’d needed this. Getting out of her apartment and spending time with someone besides herself. No, she hadn’t planned on a serial killer, but somehow it had energized her. Kaely was right. Law enforcement was in her blood. Part of her. Writing about it had helped. A lot. But working with Kaely and Adrian had made her feel useful again. As if something had awakened inside her. The part of her that led her to join the department all those years ago. Right now, there were two voices in her head. One actually wanted to write another book. The other one felt she should try to get into the FBI. However, she was certain the Bureau wouldn’t accept her. Kaely had mentioned that it would probably depend on her diagnosis, which had been severe PTSD. She’d been on rather strong medication for a while, and she hadn’t kept up with her therapy. Talking to doctors had made her feel weak, and she hated thinking of herself that way. Yet the truth was, shewasweak. The thoughts of suicide were still in her head. She hadn’t felt like herself until... until Adrian showed up that first morning and asked for her help. It wasn’t the murder that she’d needed—it was his belief that she was able to assist him. That she wasn’t worthless.

She got up and started getting ready for bed. Tomorrow she and Kaely would go into town. She wasn’t sure how well she would do. She felt safe back in her apartment, and she felt safe here with Kaely. But being someplace new. Out in open spaces. Someplace she’d never been. Around people. Sheswallowed the sour bile that forced its way into her throat. Fear was her enemy. She hated being afraid, but she was. She didn’t want to look like a wimp in front of Kaely. The last thing she wanted was pity.

Her fingers trembled as she pulled a sweatshirt over her head. Where had she gone? Erin Delaney had disappeared somewhere and left behind this pitiful creature whom she hated with every fiber of her being. If she fell apart tomorrow... She walked over to the dresser. The metal box with her gun was in there. If she... No. She couldn’t do that to Kaely. No matter what happened while she was here, she wouldn’t do that until she went home. She’d send a message first, letting one of her old friends at the station know what was happening. Then she’d unlock the front door so they could get inside. She’d already made out a will. She’d left everything to a nonprofit organization called BackStoppers out of St. Louis. They raised money to support first responders and their families when there was a loss of life or a catastrophic injury that occurred in the line of duty. She couldn’t think of a better way to use the money she made from the book. They’d stepped in to help Scott’s family when he died.

Scott. His face flashed in her mind. The look on his face—as if he couldn’t believe he’d been shot. He wanted her to help him, but she couldn’t. By the time she reached him, he was gone.

She pushed back the image. Would she ever be free from it? Would she ever stop blaming herself for not protecting him? And for...

“Stop it. Just stop it,” she whispered under her breath. How long was she supposed to live like this? If there was a God, where was He? She blinked away the tears that filledher eyes. No. She wasn’t buying into the wholeGodthing. She liked Kaely. In fact, she’d changed the way she’d seen all Christians because of her. Kaely was smart and strong. Capable. She’d helped Erin when no one else could. Kaely believed in a God because she had to. Because she had to believe there was good in the universe.

But Erin would never believe that.

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