Page 114 of Finding Home

Breath heaving, she stepped onto the grass, stretching before walking back toward her building. Exhausted and wrung out, she just wanted to go back to her condo, shower, make tea, and curl up on the couch. Maybe she’d skip being the only one in the office on a Saturday, and just take care of herself for the weekend, instead of working.

Head down and lost in thought, she approached the condo building.

“Eleanor.” An unsure voice startled Elle as she reached the front door.

Her mother stood there, hands clenched and wearing a tight smile, staring at Elle with pleading eyes.

“What are you doing here? How did you find me?” Elle’s mouth hung open.

“I stopped by Pete’s this week to drop off a ‘Thank You’ card from Daniel and me for his party. When I was there, I saw an envelope on the counter with your name and address. When your uncle wasn’t looking, I snapped a picture of it. I bought a ticket and flew out here. There isn’t an intercom, so I’ve just been waiting,” she explained.

“I can’t decide if that is a complete violation or ingenious,” Elle said, aghast and amazed that her mom would go to such lengths to find her. “So, you’ve been waiting out here just in case I appeared? How long?”

“Since yesterday. I sat here…” She pointed to a short red brick wall that flanked the front sidewalk leading to her building’s front door. “…until midnight last night and then came back this morning.”

Of course, they hadn’t seen each other. Elle had entered and left through the garage on Friday with her car and left before sunrise this morning for her run. Her mom had been here the whole time and she’d had no idea. In the small town of Perry, this would not go unnoticed, but in Long Beach, people loitering on the streets of downtown was not something anyone batted an eye at.

“Why are you here?” Elle asked, crossing her arms over her chest. “I told you we were done.”

“I know and I believed you. I told myself I had to accept what I had done, but then Daniel told me about your conversation, and I knew I needed to try.” Tears glistened in her eyes. “You are not a consolation prize. I can’t have you think that. If anyone was stuck with anyone, you were stuck with me. You got the short end of the stick.”

“It felt like quite the opposite.” Elle snapped, turning toward the door.

“I was a bad mother. You deserved so much better. You still do,” her mom called, making Elle stop in her tracks, but her back remained turned toward her mom.

This apology was unlike the hollow apologies of the past. Her mother had broken her promises of trying harder almost the same moment they had been spoken. Never did her mom saywhatshe was sorry for.

“Even before your dad left and your grandma died, I don’t think I was a good mother. Not the mother you needed. So often your dad, your uncle, or your grandma were who you looked to for comfort. They always knew what to say or do. I… I didn’t. So often my mom told me I wasn’t doing it right. She’d interject or push me aside, taking over.”

“So, it’s grandma’s fault?” Elle twisted with a snarl.

“No.” She raised her hands, taking two faltering steps toward Elle. “That’s not an excuse. It’s just…it’s just what it was. When your grandma died and then your dad left, I felt like I wasn’t enough for you. That I was who you were stuck with. I couldn’t see through my own pain and grief for all I had lost to see what I had. There are times I think if you hadn’t saved me that day, your life would have been so much better. You were so strong, when I should have been strong for you.”

“I needed you,” Elle croaked.

“I know and I failed you. I failed when I didn’t get off the couch for weeks after your dad left. When I tried to kill myself. When I chose men over you. When Jamie raped you. I wasn’t there.” She took a timid step closer.

“When I told you what he did, why didn’t you believe me?” Elle’s wobbly voice grew more forceful.

“I did believe you. I was in shock.” She held up a palm to halt Elle’s protest. “Again, not an excuse. I kept thinking, why would he do that to my daughter? Why had I let another man into my life who’d hurt my child? Your dad hurt you when he left.I chose him. I don’t think you really liked my other boyfriends, and when I think of how I laughed off the things they said, I’m ashamed of myself. I let them hurt you over and over again. Then I invited Jamie into our lives, and he raped you. That last phone call, after you hung up, I knew I’d said all the wrong things.” She hung her head, her voice barely a whisper. “I didn’t know how or what to say. I called back a few times, but I’d get your voicemail at your dorm, or your roommate would say you weren’t there. Your uncle told me to give you space, so I did.”

“Pete? Did you tell Pete what happened?” Elle cried, placing a steadying hand on her middle as air whooshed out of her. Had Pete known all this time.

“No.” Her mom stepped closer, the warm scent of vanilla and lavender soothingly wafting from her.

Elle let out a relieved breath as she stood taller.“Why didn’t you keep trying?”

“Because I’m weak. I was mortified about my actions and was scared. How could we come back from this? How could we come back from me? I was the monster under your bed.”

The once extinguished hope within Elle seemed to flicker at the remorse in her mom’s eyes. Fear of being alone had consumed her in the past when her mom apologized, but today regret, true regret, shaded her gaze. Not regret for what she lost, but for her actions, for realizing she was the monster.

“Why were you at Jamie’s grave?” Elle swallowed hard, keeping the spark of hope buried deep, not allowing it to thaw her heart when it came to her mom. It was too soon.

“I hadn’t intended to visit him. I was there visiting your grandma. A few years after we stopped speaking, I started visiting her on her birthday like you used to. Each year, I’d see a vase full of pink flowers and knew they were from you. I waited there all day just in case you came in person to try to talk to you. I had messed it up so badly at the wedding. I had promised youruncle that I wouldn’t speak to you at the wedding. I didn’t want to cause an issue for you, but I needed…wanted to talk to you.”

Elle tightened her embrace around her chest in a reassuring hug.

Her mom continued, “When you came through the gate, I wandered around the cemetery trying to give you space. When you told me what Jamie did, I confronted him. He denied it, of course. I told him he was vile and then I slapped him. He slapped me back. Then he left. The next time I saw him was in a picture in the obituaries.”

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