Page 109 of Finding Home

Placing her hand in his, he clasped it, and led her up a sloping hill. Once there, he tucked her into his torso, her back pressed to his chest, as he rested his arms around her middle. Inhaling his scent of salty sweat and faint remainder of his citrus body wash, she mirrored his stare, looking toward the east at the waking sun. Its brightening beams were like outstretched arms, yawning awake to welcome the day. Sunsets are the end, the goodbye. Sunrises are the promise of today, the hello. This sunrise went against that. It was their goodbye.

“Last night, Janet asked me if you would be staying with me when you come home at Christmas,” Clayton said, a quake in his voice.

“Clayton…” She didn’t know what to say.

“You didn’t tell me you were co…co…co…coming back for Christmas. We ha…ha…haven’t di..di…di…discussed plans.” He stumbled over the words.

Elle’s heart wagged an accusing finger at her that she caused this. Clayton’s childhood stutter reared when he was tired oremotional. Despite the lack of sleep, she knew his tripping words were all emotions.

“This is goodbye, isn’t it?” Clayton’s tone was flat.

“Yes.” She breathed.

“You said you wa…wa…wanted me in your life.”

Elle closed her eyes, feeling the prick of hot tears forming. She did want him in her life. That was true. That would never stop being true, but there were two lives. His and hers. There was no room for a third, “theirs.”

“Yes, but I also said I didn’t want to give you false hope.” She pulled free of his hold and turned to face him. “It’s not fair to either of us to drag this out. I know this hurts but it’s what’s best.”

“Elle—”

“No!” She held up her hands.

A pained and shocked expression twisted his features.

She wanted to run to him, to wrap her arms around his neck and kiss his lips, soothing away the despair that swam in his gaze.God, I want a do-over.“Clayton, I am so grateful for the time we’ve spent together, but this has to end. I’m sorry.”

“I…” He looked toward the line of trees along the trail.

“You are an extraordinary man and I know that you will find your Lizzie. But, I’m not her. I can’t be,” Elle said with a shaky resolve.

It hurt, but she needed to break her hold over him and free him to find the great love he truly deserved. Whoever she was, she would be blessed to be his “everything.” Elle would hate her just a little but would be indebted to the woman for giving Clayton the future he deserved.

“I’ll miss you.” His exhale sounded defeated.

All she could do was nod. If the words that choked in her throat came out, she’d never be able to let him go and she needed to… For him.

The cab of Clayton’s pickup was heavy with the dull ache of breaking hearts as they drove back to the farmhouse, neither speaking. The crunching gravel was the first sound to break the silence as they pulled up to the farmhouse. Clayton turned the truck off. Elle wasn’t sure what to do, so she looked out the window. The sky was now a warm blue. Cheerful white clouds floated slowly across the sky, a sharp contrast to the dark somber clouds enveloping the truck.

Clayton cleared his throat, his eyes avoiding Elle’s as they looked forward. “I’m going to go for a walk while you pack.”

“Ok.” She opened the door and got out. Keeping her eyes fixed on anything but Clayton, she headed into the farmhouse.

The house was still quiet. Viet and Fitz were likely still sleeping. The three of them wouldn’t leave for the airport for a couple of hours. Their flight was at noon, but they were going to have a quick breakfast at Pete and Janet’s to say goodbye. Tobey and Jerome would be there. Meghan had offered to cover the clinic, allowing both Clayton and Jerome to have breakfast with Elle before she left. However, Elle doubted Clayton would keep those plans. She didn’t blame him. Although, she wondered. He was someone that kept promises he made.

Unlike you.It didn’t feel like a promise at the time, but hadn’t she said she wanted to have him in her life? Hadn’t she agreed to his wanting to take any moment, even future stolen ones? Some promises need to be broken.

Upstairs, she slipped her running clothes off and folded them neatly into a small plastic bag filled with some dirty clothes to pack for the trip to Long Beach.

As she placed the plastic bag beside her open suitcase, she stopped, her gaze captured by the framed photo of the train trellis over the falls at Letchworth. She had bought it for Clayton weeks ago, but was waiting for the best time to give it to him. There hadn’t been a right time, and now, there might never be.

A lump formed in her throat, threatening to strangle her with tears she refused to release. She peered at the photo, manifesting images of them in the scene as she stared. Elle pulled out a small gift bag and put the framed photo inside. Taking the purple Post-Its Clayton had bought her on their trip to Buffalo, she wroteThank you for everything, Clayton. ~Elle.For a moment she hesitated, almost writing “Love, Elle,” but knew that wouldn’t be right. She placed the bag on his bed stand, beside his half-drunk bottle of water.

The tile was cool against her bare feet as she stepped into the shower. This would be the last time in this shower, and she was alone. She had never been lonely in the shower before. It was the strangest pang in her chest to feel that. Elle closed her eyes, letting the spray’s hot force consume her.

“Elle.” Clayton’s voice was muffled through the closed shower door and beating drops of water.

She turned. The shower’s fogged glass obscured the details of him, but in his fuzzy outline she could see the framed photo in his hands. He raised the photo, looking at it and then back to her before opening the shower door.

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