Page 107 of Finding Home

“Well, I am very much alive, just not….” She stopped speaking, not knowing quite how to finish that sentence, so instead she wiped her hands on a paper towel.

“It took six months for her to agree to go out on a date with me.”

Elle stared, dumbstruck at the idea of her mom, who was so quick to fall in love, waiting so long to go on a date with this attractive, accomplished, and, by all appearances and what Uncle Pete had said, nice man. The mother she grew up withwould have only waited six seconds before agreeing to go on a date.

“I took her for coffee on our first date. It was the only thing she’d agree to. We talked for hours until the shop closed. We talked about you mostly. She told me you were alive and that she wasn’t part of your life anymore. She said she’d lost that privilege.”

“She gave it up,” Elle snapped.

“It’s a loss whether we give it up or it’s taken away. We still grieve,” he said, his tone tender. “I’m sorry. I know I’m overstepping. It’s probably the soldier in me. I don’t know when to give up a battle. I don’t know everything, but I know she blames herself.” Daniel raised his hands in surrender at Elle’s glower. “As she should. I’m not going to make excuses for her or make her apologies to you. That’s not my place. I just wanted… I don’t know what I wanted. I was just helping with cupcakes and then you were here. I just wanted to meet you. I also wanted to check in on you.”

“Why? You don’t know me,” Elle hissed, the fingers of her right hand traced her starfish pendant to ground herself.

“Your mom is worried about you after the last few times she saw you. She can’t check on you directly. She can’t talk to your uncle or aunt because she doesn’t know what you’ve told them and doesn’t want to betray you to them. Tobey isn’t speaking to her right now so she can’t ask him.” He frowned. “She’ll kill me for doing this, but when you really love someone, sometimes you overstep…So, here I am, overstepping. How are you doing, Eleanor?”

“You must really love her.” Elle’s ire leached out of her.

This man who’d never met her, who was dating her estranged mother, was in a kitchen asking her how she’s doing. The weirdest part of it was the sincerity in each syllable. He truly wanted to know how she was. He truly cared. This man lovedher mother so much that he was ready to risk the tension and potential wrath to have this conversation with Elle.

“I do. I want to marry her.”

“She’ll love that,” she muttered.

“Well, she keeps turning me down.” His smile was mournful.

“What? Why?” Elle’s jaw went slack.

The key driver for her mother since her dad left was finding someone, anyone to fill that void in her heart. Boyfriend after boyfriend and date after date, Elle’s mom searched for her Prince Charming. A man to sweep her off her feet, so she’d never be alone again.

None of her previous choices proved worthy of the role of being her mom’s husband or Elle’s stepdad. Daniel in his pink polo shirt with a tiny green alligator logo, tan slacks, Converse sneakers, and earnest stare looked the picture of a standup guy.

Daniel was a good guy. Uncle Pete had said so when they took Lt. Scout and Fitz on a walk a few weeks ago. He had never said that of any of her mother’s other boyfriends.

“She lost the great love of her life,” Daniel said sadly.

“My father?” Elle scoffed, then her heart sank in horrified realization.Jamie?The bile threatened to rise at that thought. Was Jamie her mom’s great love?

His stare locked with hers. “No. You.”

“You’re mistaken. I was her consolation prize.” Elle’s arms wrapped around her middle in a steadying self-embrace.

“No child should ever feel that way…” He sighed. “That’s why she blames herself. So many mistakes she made.”

“Yet you want to marry her,” Elle said incredulous.

“I do.” He paused, looking around the room before focusing his gaze back on her. “I wouldn’t want to be measured by the sum of my past mistakes, so I try not to do that to others. There’s no expiration date on forgiveness, neither for ourselves, nor for others. As long as someone is truly sorry and changes. Apologywithout action is just manipulation. I think she’s changed. I know I’m not a good judge as I have only had the pleasure of loving Amanda as she is now. You had the misfortune of knowing who she used to be. You deserved better. I’d like to believe she’s better.”

Elle’s chest pinched as Daniel spoke. There were as many versions of her mother as there were of Elle. She had once been Eleanor, a stoically sad and lonely girl. Then she was an Elle who was walled off, holding others at arm’s length. Even the select few she allowed to come close enough to touch the layers of brick around her heart were never actually granted entrance. Now, she was healing and taking down that wall. Two versions of her mother dance in her heart. The “smile like nobody is looking” mom with deep belly laughs and endless supply of hugs and kisses, who giggled with her as they read the police blotter. Then there is the mom after her dad left, broken and wanting, with a not quite real smile plastered on her face, whose sea of embraces for her daughter had dried up. Daniel spoke of this new version of her mother; one Elle did not know.

One she will never know. It’s too risky for Elle’s recently put back together heart, the once tattered pieces are still fusing back into place.

“Daniel, it’s too late.” Elle’s voice was small.

“Is it? I think if it was, truly, you wouldn’t have indulged my overstepping.”

Elle shook her head.

“Ok, then. How are you?”

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