Page 90 of Coming Home

Dr. Horin nodded, but her nod seemed to display assessment rather than agreement. “How do you think telling your brother about your relationship with Noah would impact your relationship with him?”

Nat’s gaze flicked to the desk pressed up against the front window. A framed picture of her with Clayton, Elle, and Noah from this past Christmas sat on the corner. The picture soothed and mocked. Both a glimpse of the possible future for the two couples and what would be at risk if this didn’t go well.

“That I could lose him.” A tiny tremor shook her words.

“Which him do you fear losing most?”

“What?” she gulped. Her heart jumped in her throat, choking her ability to speak.

“You don’t have to answer it now, but it may be good to really look at your fear about telling your brother and ask yourself what you aretrulyafraid of losing. Then, ask yourself what impact that fear is having on you? How is that fear’s hold on you helping make what you fear could happen…happen?”

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

“To be loved and chosen by a good man…”~Louisa May Alcott,Little Women

After the session with Dr. Horin, Nat lounged on the couch, her acoustic chill playlist her only companion. Exhaustion melded with all the feelings roaming aimlessly within her. Sadness for what happened with Noah. Anger at herself for causing it. Regret that she’d lost him. Fear that she was destined to lose everyone she cared about.

“You’re being melodramatic,” she scolded as she sat up on the couch, allowing the patchwork blanket to fall to her waist.

In so many ways, when Evan died she’d lost the people she loved most in the world. Even if they were still there physically, a barrier existed between them. With her family, it was Evan. His ghost not only haunted them but seemed to hold them at a distance from one another. By not grieving, they’d erected invisible walls between them, but brick by brick, they could dismantle those barriers. Dad, Clayton, and she had started. Soon, they’d figure out how to get Mom to pull down her wall, the stoutest of them all.

It wasn’t just her family she’d built barriers against. Duncan had said that Nat had never given him a chance. Not that he deserved a chance, but he was right. Her heart had been closed to him. In her heart, she knew that to be true. Her other two boyfriends had said the same thing. Summer thought it was because Nat was so enamored with Noah that she didn’t let past boyfriends in.

“It’s not Noah…it’s me.” Nat nibbled on her bottom lip and considered her racing thoughts.

She had held those previous boyfriends at a distance. Not allowing herself to be…well, herself. She’d never opened herself up to any of them like she had with Noah. She’d sharedalmostall her truths, fears, joys, flaws, strengths, and all the things that defined her. As much as she’d given over herself to Noah, she’d still held back pieces. Not standing fully in the light with him, remaining on the edge of shadow and light. That hesitance had cost her Noah. The one man she wanted to not only break down her walls but snuggle with her within them. Letting him in as she took them down as she healed.

A soft knock interrupted Nat’s introspection. Jerking her head toward the door, she shouted she was coming. Tossing the blanket to the side, she stood up and shuffled to the door.

It was Thursday night. Clayton played darts at the VFW. Nat would often join him and Elle, but she’d texted earlier that she was wiped and was bowing out tonight. It was just after seven. The two should have left already, but maybe they were checking in on her before they left. It would be a very Clayton thing to do, after all.

She opened the door. “Noah.” Her heart both ached and sighed with sweet relief at his presence.

Noah stood, hands at his sides. Regret etched his handsome face. Was it regret for her? About her? Because of her?

What have I done?“I am so sorry,” she said, tears brimming in her eyes.

Noah stepped close, pulling her into his embrace. Burying her face against his chest, she let the tears fall onto the softness of his T-shirt.

“I didn’t mean it…I didn’t mean it.” The words tumbled out of her in hiccupping sobs.

“I know, baby,” he soothed, pressing her closer to him. “I’m sorry I pushed you.”

Nat tilted her face up to him, meeting his eyes. “You aren’t my dirty little secret. I’m not scared to tell Clayton because of you…” The icy truth shivered up her spine. “I lost one brother. I don’t want to lose another, but if I have to choose between Clayton and you, I’d choose you.” She closed her eyes. “The reason why I’m scared is that if it came to you choosing between Clayton and me, I fear you’d choose him.”

As soon as the words left her lips, the rigidity holding her muscles captive released its hold. Weakened by her confession, she swayed. Only his strong grip on her kept her upright, even though every muscle cried out to collapse. As if they had no more strength after holding onto her truth for so long.

Noah cradled her face, his gaze capturing hers. “I choose you.”

The pounding of her heart almost drowned out his words.Almost.

“I choose us.” His lips met hers.

“Will you hold me?” she whispered between their kisses.

Scooping her up in his arms, he carried her through the living room, up the stairs to the sleeping loft, and laid her on the bed. Slipping his sneakers off, he scooted in beside her, tucking her into his chest. Snuggling into his nook, she closed her eyes, allowing his soothing pine scent to wash over her like a gentle spring rainstorm nourishing her.

“I can wait. I can be patient,” he murmured, the pads of his fingers slipping beneath her sweatshirt, caressing up and down her spine. “I can do that. What I can’t do is lose you. I can’t—Iwon’tlose you. When you walked out today, it was like my heart was ripped out of my chest.” His voice cracked.

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