Page 128 of In It to Win It

I snort-laugh.

“Seriously, man?Emma?You think Taylor is like Emma? As Mom would say, esti de câlice de tabarnak!”

“Ha. Mom has never in her life said that.”

“Pretty sure she said that the time we tried to ski off the garage roof and you broke your wrist. Never mind that.” He glares at me.

“I don’t think she’s like Emma.” I rub my forehead. “It was a misunderstanding. I apologized.”

“Thank fuck for that.”

“But see? When I do the wrong things, it’s the wrongest thing of all the wrongs that ever wronged. It was best to end things with her.”

He laughs. Fucker.

Théo tips his head back and looks at the ceiling. “Everyone fucks up. It’s how you learn.”

“Why don’t I learn, then?”

“You don’t learn because you don’tletyourself learn. You don’t let it go. You keep whipping yourself. You know you have to let shit go when it comes to sports. You screw up, make a turnover, a bad pass, miss a shot . . . you have to let it go.”

I pause. “I know that.”

“Then do it! Let it go in your private life too.” He pauses. “I forgive you, JP.”

His blunt words set me back. I stare at him.

“I forgive you for what happened with Emma. Now fucking forgiveyourself.”

I can’t even speak for a minute, reeling. Then I manage, “That’s not what this is about.”

“Isn’t it?” He frowns.

I let his words play over in my head again. I’ve heard this before. After I nearly killed Byron, Taylor reminded me that not being judgmental is part of dealing with stress. Including judging myself.

Oh Jesus.

He’s right.

I’m still pissed at myself for what I did to him. .

“Fuck,” I mutter.

Last time we sat in this bar, I confessed to Théo. I told him I felt I could never be as good as him, so I just tried to be badder. My whole life I’ve embraced that bad boy, that cool guy who hides his feelings under a cocky smirk, who lets his bitterness get in the way of making good decisions, who takes the blame for shit he didn’t do. And yet . . . way down deep inside, I don’t want to be that guy. I want to be better. And I’ve been trying. I’m not perfect, but I’ve been honestly trying. But I can’t get past the secret, hidden fear that Ican’tbe better.

Now I’ve lost the best woman I’ve ever met—a woman who apparently likes me despite all my goddamn flaws, a woman who makes me a better man because I want to be worthy of her, a woman who forgives me when I screw up—because I can’t forgivemyself.

She doesn’t judge me or blame me. Even when I screw up, she’s still sweet and loving and forgiving.

“Let it go.” He holds my gaze. “It’s all okay. Love you, bro.”

A giant fist is squeezing my throat. Christ, I think I’m going to cry. “Love you too,” I choke out. “What am I going to do?”

Théo’s lips turn upward at the corner. “About Taylor?”

I give my head a shake. “Yeah.” I had something so perfect and amazing . . . I had sunshine. Now everything feels dark. I need that sunshine back. “I don’t know.”

“You have to be honest.”

---