Page 121 of In It to Win It

I’ve turned toward the kitchen, but I swing back around. “What?”

“I can’t stay. I’m meeting the guys. I just came to talk to you because I didn’t want to do this over the phone.”

My heart stops beating, then lurches into an uneven rhythm. My breath sticks in my throat. “Do what?”

“Break up with you.” His mouth is a thin line, his chin jutting.

I stare, my jaw loose. “B-but why?”

“I don’t want to be a dick, but . . .well, I guess I am. Sorry. I shouldn’t have let things get this far with you. I’m not cut out for relationships.”

I try to swallow, but it hurts. My eyes burn. My head is a vast, empty space. Maybe clouds are floating through there, but that’s it. This can’t be happening.

I try to marshal my wandering thoughts. In fairness, I wasn’t looking for a relationship either. I knew this would end at some point. Better now, than thirty years from now. Right? I swallow.

Only . . . I’d just started having stupid, hopeful thoughts about a future with JP. I’d just come to see that even though I kept telling myself I didn’t care about love, I really did still want it. I wanted it with JP.

I’d felt so close with him. The gifts he gave me were so sweet. We fought and we apologized and we made up.

How stupid could I be? I should have known that was crazy.

I draw a long breath in through my nose, my throat quivering. I’m afraid to speak because my voice will come out shaky. Finally I nod slowly and manage to say, “Okay. I get it.”

He glances at me. It’s quick, but enough for me to see the misery in his eyes before he looks away. “Good. Okay, then. Yeah. Good.”

I pause. I still have a million questions zinging around inside me, but none of them matter, I guess. He’s done with me.

It’s okay. I knew it would happen.

JP looks like someone’s jabbing the butt end of a stick into his kidneys. “You’re an amazing woman,” he says hoarsely. “With the biggest heart. You deserve to find someone good enough for you.”

I lift my chin, even though it’s wobbling. “Yes. I do.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll still keep Byron. I know your dad is taking him soon, but this doesn’t change anything about that. I’ll look after him until then.”

I nod numbly. Right. Byron. “Thank you.” The words squeeze out of my constricted throat.

“Bye, Sunshine.”

As my apartment door closes behind JP, I feel the crack—a sharp burning in my chest as if a fissure just opened up. I literally gasp, and I slap my hand over my mouth. I can’t breathe, can’t speak. Pain shudders through my entire body.

I make it over to the couch and sink down onto it. Oh my God. I need Byron. I need hugs, I need doggie kisses, I need . . . comfort. Now I don’t have JP and I don’t have Byron. What am I going to do?

JP

Our next game is a home game, Friday night. I take my game-day nap, this time alone. This time I don’t get a goodbye kiss when I’m leaving. (Byron’s slobbery dog-breath kisses don’t count.) This time Taylor won’t be waiting for me when I get home.

That’s okay. It’s for the best.

I go through my usual taping routine at the arena, listening to music. The team didn’t end on a high note before the Christmas break, but what’s done is done. I have to learn to forgive myself and put my mistakes behind me, not brood about them forever. That’s not how to move forward. Tonight I can start over. I can show everyone I’m better than that last game. I can control my emotions.

And I do.

The game is shit.

Actually, we win, but not thanks to me.

Most guys get reamed out by the coach after a bad game. Not me. I get reamed out by the coachandthe team owner.

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