Page 119 of Play to Win

Théo gave me a replacement penguin.That makes my heart hurt.

He came to see Chris.Gave him a stern talking-to.Chris was actually impressed with Théo, although he admitted to being annoyed at first.

He left me heart-shaped rocks he found on the beach because he knows I like them.

I turn my face into the pillow, hot tears sliding down my cheeks again.I’m a mess.

I miss him so much.

I also miss his crazy, messed-up family and my new friends.

Chris works eight to four at the factory, but often works overtime because he’s trying to make as much money as he can.Plus, working more means less time for the temptation of gambling.He’s also started taking anti-depressants.He went to see a doctor who thinks he has depression and that gambling was his way of self-medicating.It’s only been a couple of weeks and apparently it takes a while for the medication to work, but I hope that helps.I’m proud of what he’s done so far.He even paid the rent on the apartment for this month.

We had a long talk when I got back, both of us ending up crying.My disappearance, leaving him on his own to deal with things, was enough of a kick in the butt to scare him.He actually thanked me for it, and broke down over how badly he felt about how he’d treated me.I love him and I want to believe him, and so far he seems to be back on the right track with his life, but I’d be lying if I said I was completely confident about it.But now I know what I have to do if he relapses ...I have to let him deal with it.

I’ve been hanging out mostly alone in the apartment.I got a job at Mary Jane’s but I’ve only worked one shift so far, mostly learning about the different types of marijuana on the menu.Tonight I brought home some Blueberry Muffin to try.I roll off my bed and find the stash to light up a doob.It tastes like—duh—blueberry muffins, and is supposed to help with anxiety, chronic pain, and nausea.

I’ve never smoked marijuana even though I worked as a budtender.I just pretended I knew what I was talking about.But I’m miserable and this might be better than drinking a whole bottle of wine.Again.

I swipe another tear away, tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Soon I am pleasantly mellow, with no more tears.I spy my knitting bag and reach for it.I’ve also been knitting like crazy.I now have about a dozen cute knitted penises.Is that the right plural?Hmm.Penii?I don’t think so.I giggle as I lay out all the cute pink sculptures, complete with testicles, on my bed.Now I’m branching out into something more functional—willie warmers.

I relax back into the pillows of my bed, my fingers moving with the needles and wool.This is really coming along.

A loud knock on the door doesn’t even startle me, I’m so serene.Maybe Chris forgot his key?I slide off the bed again, carrying my knitting, to open the door for him.

It’s not Chris.

It’s Théo.

“Wow.That Blueberry Muffin is hallucinogenic.”

His eyebrows snap together.“What?”

I reach out a hand and touch his chest.It’s warm and solid.“Are you really here?”

“Yeah.”

“You feel good.”I caress his pecs.

“Uh.Thanks.”He gives me a squinty look.“Are you drunk?”

“No!”

“Can I come in?”

“Sure.”I let him in and close the door.“You’re just in time.I’m knitting a willie warmer, and you can try it on.”

“What the ...”He sniffs the air.“Are youhigh?”

“Just a little.”I smile.I hold up my knitting.“See?Isn’t it cute?”

“Baked as a fuckin’ cake,” he mutters, shaking his head.“Now what the hell do I do?”

I eye him.“I don’t know.”

He sighs.

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