Page 116 of Play to Win

“I guess so.”My eyebrows pull down.I rub my mouth, then shove my glasses up on my nose.“I never realized you felt that way.You ...stuck up for me.”I remember the time he took on a big kid in grade seven who’d been tormenting me about my grades, accusing me of kissing up to the teacher and calling me a weirdo.JP had ended up with a black eye and a trip to the principal’s office.

“Yeah.”

“Those kids who bugged me all the time made me feel like something was wrong with me.”

JP’s face twists.“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah.”I sigh.“I loved it that you defended me, but I kind of hated it too.”

“Huh?”

“I was glad you did it.Grateful.But I didn’t want to have someone else defend me.I wanted to be able to stand up for myself.”

His forehead creases.“Shit.”

“I know, I know, your intentions were good.It was just a little ...humiliating.Also, I felt guilty because you got in trouble that day.”

He shrugs.“I was always getting in trouble.”

I study his face, the practiced casual expression.“You knew I didn’t want Mom and Dad to know what was going on.You didn’t even try to defend yourself to them.”

He makes a face.“I think they knew what was going on.”

I nod slowly.“Yeah, they did.I know that now.Mom told Lacey about it.”I roll my eyes.“Thanks, Mom.”

JP laughs.

“I was obsessed with trying to figure out why those kids hated me.You know me ...trying to analyze it.”I grimace.“I tried to make sense of it ...but how do you do that when you’re a kid, and another kid is jealous or just plain mean?”

“Hell.”

“After that, I tried to hide that I was smart.I stopped answering questions in class, stopped doing extra credit projects.I tried harder at hockey, tried to be tougher.I tried to be perfect.I figured that way they’d leave me alone.”

JP closes his eyes briefly.“And I just tried to be badder, because I felt like I couldn’t be as good as you.”He opens his eyes and meets mine across the table.“I really hated that they were little pieces of shit to you.”

One corner of my mouth lifts.“Thanks.”

“And you shouldn’t have had to change to fix things.We should have both come clean about what was happening and let Mom and Dad and the school deal with it.”

“I survived.I know it made me a little obsessive and analytical.I know I have high expectations of myself.But I’ve done okay.”

“You absolutely have.And I’m proud of you, and how you overcame adversity.”

“Thanks.”I suck in a slow breath throw my nose, my chest full.“When I took that puck in the eye ...you were there for me.Every day.”

“I thought it should have been me.You were the good guy.I was the trouble maker.I should have been the one who lost an eye.”

“Christ.”I bow my head, focusing on breathing, my lungs burning with every inhalation.This isn’t easy, talking about this shit.Hearing how JP really feels.Telling him how much he hurt me.It makes me feel so vulnerable.I hate that.It’s hard to trust him after what happened, and yet…he’s my brother.He fought for me and stuck by me when I was down.I have to be honest with him.“That’s why ...that’s why it hurt so fucking much ...what you did with Emma.I don’t know if I can forgive you.”I pause, then quickly add, “I don’t care about Emma anymore; that’s not it.”

“Obviously.You’re married to someone else.Who’s awesome, by the way.”At my harsh stare, he lifts his hands.“Just saying.Nothing happened between us.You have to know that.”

“I do know that,” I admit.“It hurt so much because it was you.”

He nods, his face somber.His throat works and his voice is thick when he says, “I’m sorry.”

Our eyes meet.I nod, accepting his apology.“Lacey’s gone.”

His jaw slackens.“Huh?”

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