Page 85 of Can We Try?

I place my hand in his and allow him to help me out of the truck. He laces our fingers together as we make our way inside the funeral home. The funeral director we met with earlier this week greets us with a firm handshake and condolences. Lachlan handles that. I think I shake his hand, but I can’t be sure.

Lachlan leads me into the viewing room. Is that what it’s called? The layout room? Does it matter? No, not in the grand scheme of things. They should call it the heartbreak, goodbye room because that’s what is happening.

My feet feel as though they weigh one hundred pounds as we slowly make our way to the coffin. I close my eyes, because I can’t look. I just—a sob breaks free from my chest, and I feel faint, but Lachlan is there to catch me. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly to his chest.

“I’m here,” he whispers. “I love you,” he adds.

I don’t reply, because I can’t. I can’t find my voice. This is it. This is the moment that I say goodbye to the woman who has been my rock throughout my life. The woman who helped me through the pain of losing my parents, her son, and daughter-in-law, and so many other moments of my life.

If she were here, she would tell me that this is a part of life. The circle of life, to be exact, and that I must live on with her in my heart. I know that because she told me so when we lost my mom, and again when we lost my dad. She’d tell me I need to be strong and let their love for me hold me up.

So, that’s what I do.

I suck in a ragged breath and pull away from Lachlan’s chest, wiping at my eyes. I take the final two steps to the coffin and stare down at her. Tears race down my cheeks, and I don’t bother to wipe them away. I can’t keep up with them, anyway.

“I love you so much, Grandma,” I say, my voice raspy from tears, or maybe it’s from pain. Probably a mixture of both.

I don’t know how long we stand here, but I do know that Lachlan is with me. His hand around my waist, giving me his strength, is the only thing I feel outside of the pain.

I sway on my feet, and Lachlan steps closer. “Let’s go sit. Get you off your feet for a few minutes. We’ll be close, I promise,” he assures me.

I don’t know if I nod, but he turns us, and I close my eyes as I let him guide me where he thinks I need to go. “We’ll sit here,” he whispers.

I open my eyes, and it’s not just a room of empty seats I’m seeing. My breath catches in my lungs when I see the room. It’s not just us, as I suspected. Lachlan’s parents are here. Roman, Emerson, Monroe, Legend, Forrest, Briar, Maddox, and Brogan. My eyes scan and I see Roman’s parents, Legend’s, Maddox’s, and Monroe’s, too, and my knees feel weak.

“I didn’t know,” I say through my tears.

I watch as Amanda and Rodney rise from their seats and make their way to us. Rodney reaches me first and engulfs me in a hug. “I’m so sorry for your loss,” he tells me. “We’re here for whatever you need.” He steps back, and Amanda takes his place.

“Sweetheart,” she says, her face crumpling. She, too, pulls me into a crushing hug. “We love you,” she tells me, her voice cracking. “We’re here for you. I’m so sorry, Maggie,” she says. She releases me, and Lachlan is there again. His arm goes around my waist, and his lips land on my temple.

Roman and Emerson come next, then Maggie and Legend, Forrest and Briar, then Maddox and Brogan. Roman’s and Monroe’s parents are last, and they all hug me, telling me how sorry they are for my loss, that they’re here for me.

That’s what you’re supposed to say, though, right? When you go through things like this? What else can you say? The family is standing before you, their hearts… well, in this case, my heart is torn to shreds. What else are they supposed to say?

Nothing.

Nothing they say will fix the pain I’m feeling.

No amount of hugs, and “I’m so sorry,” will bring her back to me.

“Let’s sit,” Lachlan says once everyone has passed on their condolences. He helps me into a chair and wraps his arm around me. I lean into him, into his strength, because I can’t seem to find my own. Time passes in a blur. The preacher steps forward, and I don’t know how, but I missed the entire viewing. I vaguely remember some friends of Grandma’s and her neighbors speaking to me, but it’s all fuzzy.

The preacher talks about Grandma’s love for knitting and working in the garden. He tells us how she’s preceded in death by her husband, Grandpa Tom, her daughter-in-law, Kara, and her son, Sean.

“Doris leaves behind her loving granddaughter and the light of her life, Maggie Ward.”

That’s what does it. That statement, meant to be out of love, slices my heart wide open. My body shakes with my sobs, and I know I need to calm down. I know that I have the baby to think about, but I can’t seem to stop. Lachlan’s here. He’s holding me, telling me how much he loves me, but it does nothing for the pain.

“Maggie, it’s time to go,” Lachlan tells me. He stands and helps me do the same. Everyone takes another turn hugging us before filing out. “Do you want to go see her again?” he asks.

“I—I can’t.”

“You can, baby. I’m right here. I don’t want you to have any regrets.” Carefully, with his arm around my waist, we go back to the casket.

“Hey, Doris, our girl is really missing you,” he murmurs. “We love you. We miss you.” His voice cracks, and that slices through me too.

Lachlan pulls me into his chest. “Talk to her, Maggie. If there is anything you need to say, please say it.” He’s pleading.

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