Page 88 of Fierce-Hyde

Tori was probably right and it was just a trigger.

“Could be,” he said. “It felt so real. What sucks is that once I realized it was her and not you, I felt as if I didn’t have the fight in me and just went under. It felt like shit too.”

Was it because he already knew he couldn’t save Shana? Or was it he didn’t want to?

That he was so disappointed that it wasn’t Tori he was with?

How do you know or control those things in a dream?

“Do you still love Shana?” she asked.

“I don’t know what I feel,” he said. “What I felt for her I thought was love. We said the words to each other. Then everything happened and I’ve lived with my guilt more than anything else.”

“I know a thing about guilt,” she said. “Not like you do.”

“It’s not a comparison,” he said.

“It’s not,” she agreed. “Guilt is one of those things that can suck you in and it seems to do it for you.”

“Maybe,” he said. “Or maybe it was just a twisted way for me to know that what I felt for her wasn’t what I feel for you. I could be so stubborn that I need something that graphic to wake me up out of sleep for me to be able to realize the significance of it.”

“What are you trying to say?” she asked. Her hand had stopped moving on his chest, but he brought his up to put on it.

He wasn’t sure the last time he’d said these words to a woman. Shana was the last, but they didn’t say it much.

No, that was wrong.

She said it all the time.

He only did a few times.

He just wasn’t someone who would say he loved you every time he walked in or out the door or got off the phone.

“I guess I’m saying that I love you,” he said.

She laughed softly. “You guess that?”

“It’s difficult to say it if you don’t know if it’ll be returned. Saying I guess lightens the blow if you don’t feel the same way.”

She rolled on top of him. “I love you, Hyde. I think I’ve known for a few weeks now, but like you, it’s hard to say the words when you don’t know if they will be returned. And you know, I haven’t had a lot of relationships either. That whole self-sabotage thing. I thought maybe what I was feeling wasn’t love but lust.”

He wasn’t sure he liked the last part of her comment.

“Do you know now?” he asked.

She kissed his chest, then moved up his neck to his cheek and then his lips. “It’s both,” she said. “Nothing wrong with that, is there?”

He squeezed her tight. “No,” he said. “Because I feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry about your nightmare or that you’re having them. And I’m sorry I don’t ask more if you’re okay. I guess you put on this front that you’re fine and don’t talk about it that I almost forget. That’s wrong of me.”

“I don’t need to burden you with it,” he said. “It happened and I’ve moved on.”

“You never move on, Hyde. You move through it to get to another level, but never move on and forget it happened. That’s not realistic nor is it healthy.”

“No,” he said. “It’s not. But it’s not what we have between us.”

“It’s a part of who you are. I know CeeCee is worried that you put more effort in than me. And maybe this isn’t the best time for this conversation, but early on, I thought you did too. I even asked myself if I liked that and if I would have done the same.”

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