Page 76 of Do You Ship It

‘If I didn’t, we’d never talk! I’d never see you!’

‘That’s not true –’

‘Yes it is, and you know it. If we’re supposed to be best friends, then why haven’t you been there for me? Youknowhow much shit I’ve had going on at home with my parents, but you only seem to bother asking when it’s convenient. Ineededyou, Jake. I needed my best friend and you were – you were too busy geeking out over OWAR with yournewfriend –’

‘So what, this is your idea of revenge? This is how you’re getting back at me for having a life outside of you? By going after Max?’

‘I’m notgoing afterhim, Jake, I’m – that’s …’ This whole thing feels like it’s gotten so wildly off track; I try to wrangle it back. ‘I’m notmadat you for having other friends, I’m mad at you for –’

‘Yes, you are!’ he scoffs, then hiccups again and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Even if he is tipsy, this fight seems to be sobering him up by the second. Every word thrown seems to make him steadier on his feet; it makes me feel wobbly and queasy. He scowls at me, and brushes another rogue tear off his cheek. ‘Youneverlet me have anything of my own, Cerys. You’re always – you’re alwaystagging along.’

‘I’mwhat?’

‘You are!’ he bursts out, nodding sharply, even as his breath shudders. ‘You tagged along at school, and you tagged along to the Worlds Beyond con, and now you’re tagging along with OWAR and Max just like you tag along with the girls at college and wear whatever they wear and do whatever they do –’

‘Oh, like you weresointo the idea of cosplay before Max –’

‘At least Maxcaresabout stuff! At least he knows who he is!’

‘What, unlike me, you mean?’

‘Yeah! Yeah, unlikeyou. And you’re so shallow about it –’

‘You want to talk aboutshallow, Jake? How about your football drama, and Ginny being annoyed that you’re borrowing her car to learn to drive, and every time you crack the same joke about being late with your homework? All you ever talk about is what’s going on withyou.You barely everaskhow I’m doing, Jake, and when you do –’

I break off, trembling, sick to my stomach. When he does, it’s hidden under layers of conversation about OWAR in Discord. Like he’s … ashamed of me.Squashing me down, pushing me out, tucking me out of the way of his ‘real’ life.

My eyes search Jake’s, and cold settles into my bones. My best friend feels like a stranger to me.

‘It’s like I don’t even know who you are anymore,’ I tell him. ‘And you know what? If this is how you’re going to be, I’m not sure I want to.’

He staggers back, the words slicing between us like a guillotine, and the fight drains out of him in a juddering exhale. Jake’s whole body slumps, his face growing taut around the edges and eyes shining with more tears, but he doesn’t let these ones fall.

Instead, he spins on his heel and storms out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.

I watch him go, feeling all at once numb and agonized. Jane Austen’s Captain Wentworth eat your heart out: I amallin agony now, and it’s definitely worse than when there was still half-hope.

I’ve destroyed it. Not just the hope of a potential romance, but the hope of salvaging our friendship. It’s gone. I did that.

The fireworks keep going outside.BOOMandcrack!andfizzzzz, and the oohs and aahs of an appreciative, tipsy crowd watching them all.

Behind me, I’m aware of Max and Anissa standing silently, having watched the whole fight.

Max can’t meet my eye.

That hurts almost as much as Jake storming out on me. I feel sostupidfor thinking Max was more than this superior, judgemental arse.

I feel so stupid for thinking maybe he meant it, when he acted like he cared about me, and that’s why he kissed me.

Anissa gives his elbow a quick squeeze, saying something I don’t catch to him, before coming over and slipping an arm around me. ‘Do you want to go home?’

I nod.

We don’t ask Max for a lift. He makes himself scarce. Anissa and I wait on the foot of the stairs until my dad texts to say that he’s outside.

‘How was the party, girls?’ he asks brightly.

‘Yeah, great. Really good. We’re just tired,’ I say, and if he thinks our mood is a bit subdued, he understands now is not the time to ask about it.

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