Page 75 of Do You Ship It

And oh, God,Jake.

A firework booms in the sky, a hollow sound I feel inside my chest, and I flinch.

‘I –’ I start, but have nothing to say for myself.

I kissed Max.Max!One single stupid truce and suddenly – this happens? What was I thinking?

Why did it have to be such awonderfulkiss?

And, also, WHY AM I STILL CLINGING TO HIM?

I snatch my arms from around Max’s neck, as if that’s going to make any difference right now. His hands fall away from holding me, too.

‘How could you?’ Jake whispers, staring at me.

‘Jake –’ I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know why he cares when –

Oh, no.

How could I– because I had that same thought seeing him with Anissa: how couldhe?

Because it wasn’t that I’d lost my chance, wasn’t that I never had one …

How could I– because Jake is in love with me like I’ve been in love with him for so long, and must have been too scared to risk our friendship just like I was.

Why else would he be so upset over me kissing someone else?

Oh, God, I’ve ruined everything, for one reckless, foot-pop-worthy kiss.

My heart hammers in my chest, and all I can do is stare because Jake’s in love with me, too, and this isthe best news and the worst news and I have to fix it, I have to …

Jake bolts past us, into the house, and I peel out from between Max and the wall to follow him, only pausing to snap, ‘Don’tfollow me,’ at Max. I can’t undo the kiss, I know that, but I do know that he can only make things worse right now.

I catch Jake’s arm in the hallway, tugging him to a halt.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I don’t know what happened, I –’

‘You don’t evenlikehim!’

‘I –’

Oh, shit, I’m really not as subtle as I think, am I? He knows, he’s probably known all along, he probably thought that inviting us both to watch OWAR was a good way to help me get along with his new mate … No wonder he cut me out of things like their cosplay-crafting for Comic Con when he knew I didn’t like Max!

‘It’s not that Idon’tlike him, Jake, I –’

‘You never talk to him! Both of you! You never even talk to each other! You act like you can’t bear to be around each other,all the time! Is this why? Is this … Have you both been … How long –’ His face crumples, and he presses his fingers to his eyes before his tears can fall. They leave smudges on the inside of hisglasses when I draw his arm away, but he pulls back, like he can’t bear for me to touch him. He hiccups, and I bite my lip, not sure how much of this is real and how much of it is just close to the surface because he’s been drinking. I don’t suppose it matters either way.

‘Jake, it’s not like that, I promise, it’s – it was –’

‘How could you?’ he asks again, with another hiccup, and this time a couple of tears spill over. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend, Cerys, mybestfriend, but –’

A laugh cuts out of me before I can stop it. It’s a short, barking sound that is nothing like me, so much so that Jake startles, pausing whatever tirade he’s got brewing. I laugh again, another horrible, hollow sound, but somehow it feelsso goodto let it out.

So I let some of the rest out, too. All the dark, anxious, nasty thoughts I kept pushing down and pretending there was a good excuse for. I let it all come spilling out.

‘Best friend?’ I sneer. ‘Is that what you call it? When you hardly talk to me, or tell me anything anymore? Half the time I feel like you’re ghosting me, trying to cut me out of your life like you did everyone from school, and when wedotalk it’s only because of this stupid fandom –’

‘What, you mean thestupid fandomyou only got into because I told you about it? I didn’tmakeyou getinvolved, Cerys. I thought you’d like it, and I thought it’d be a cool thing for us to enjoy together, but I didn’tmake youwatch the show.’

---