Page 71 of The Company We Keep

Dust considered his next words carefully. In this of all moments, he did not want to lie to Carrow.

“The man that you shot was someone from my past,” Dust said. “I never thought I would have to face it. And then he was there — no warning, no way to defend myself.”

“You’re scared?”

“I’m scared that I’ll never escape it.”

Carrow nodded and turned away, his eyes fixed on some faraway point as he considered the words.

There was a long pause, and Dust wondered if he had said the wrong thing.

“You know my nightmares,” Carrow said, breaking the stretching silence.

Dust nodded.

“I had a crew before The Company. The Kettle Syndicate. Do you already know this story?”

Dust shook his head, no. It was a lie, of course. He knew the outline of what Carrow was about to tell him. It had been in A.R. Carrow’s file back at AIIB. But some part of him needed to know the story that was about to be offered from the man’s own perspective.

“There were more of them, exponentially more people, a bigger operation. I didn’t love every man who worked for me, but I respected them and what they gave up to be a part of what we were. I’d never had a family before them — just my mother — and she’d passed long before.”

That was news to Dust. He’d never known any family details about Carrow and AIIB had never tracked anything down.

“I’m sorry.”

Carrow waved a hand.

“It was a long time ago. You know what I mean. But I appreciate it.”

He paused, running his thumb over his lower lip as he thought of how to frame the story.

“I thought we were invincible. I thought about our business and not our safety. And they’re dead because of me and my arrogance.”

Dust had expected Carrow to weave some sort of parable out of the situation. He never thought the man had internalizedit to that extent — had blamed himself so deeply for all of these years for so much.

“My past is an awful place, and when I can help it, I don’t live there. It cripples me when I think about it. I get sick over it, thinking about the same thing happening to Leta, Wayles, Herron, Vi… to you… It’s a dark, horrible place, and I try to be strong and to forget it. I can steel myself to be the best for you all, to keep you safe, but I cannot dwell on the past.

“That’s why I watch the sun set — that’s why I had to kiss you that first day. We are not our pasts, and we can only live in the present. The choice we maketodayis all that matters.”

The words resonated deeper than Carrow could know.

Some part of what he was saying seemed to… absolve him.

Carrow dipped his hand below the surface of the water, finding Dust’s hand, squeezing it tight.

“Your past is not what matters to me. And it can’t be what defines you now. Do you understand me, Dust?”

“Yes,” he said quickly, as if Carrow would change his mind at any minute. “I understand you.”

Dust came to bed with Carrow after the bath.

A slow realization dawned on him: he would never contact AIIB again. But the bureau wouldn’t stop trying to get him back.

Maybe there was another way — a path that was neither the current one with The Company nor the turn back to AIIB. With Carrow’s wealth, they could buy new identities. They could start over somewhere out of the reach of anyone who wanted to harm The Company, who knew the name Charlie Judge.

In Carrow’s arms, Dust fell into a deep sleep.

The next day, Dust seemed more himself.

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