Page 78 of Untouchable

Parker opens his mouth, about to brush it off, but then stops himself. Maybe it’s the snow day, maybe it’s thoroughly embarrassing himself the previous night, maybe it’s just the fact that Harp is unlike anyone else Parker’s ever met, but Parker suddenly realizes that he doesn’t have to lie.

“Yeah, I guess. Well, yes and no,” he says. “I mean—it’s just—it’s just a fact, you know? And nothing’s going to change that. But I guess…” He trails off, pushing his polenta into neat little shapes on the plate. “I dunno. It’s weird, because I know my parents wanted a boy, but they also only wanted two kids. So it’s kind of like… I don’t think any of us really made them happy. By the time I came along, they’d finally gotten a son but… not quite the right one. Or, not the one they were expecting, anyway.”

Parker forces himself to take a bite of his food instead of playing with it.

“Sorry, I’ll bet that sounds really pathetic,” he says. “I mean, I swear my family isn’t terrible. It’s not like I was neglected or anything—I got to do tons of after school activities, and I went to summer camp in Boulder every year and it wasn’t—it’s not like they don’t love me or whatever.”

"It is just a fact," Harp reminds him. "When I met you, I never would've guessed you weren't the kid your family dreamed of. It's just one of those bullshit things you never should've known. And it doesn't sound pathetic. I wasn't the kid my parents were hoping for either, but thinking that way is a crapshoot. Nobody should bring a kid into the world with expectations for him."

Parker forces a laugh. Even though Harp’s not even looking at him, the full force of Harp’s focus on him is like a laser burning deep into him. It’s not bad—it’s intoxicating, really—but Parker can only take so much of it at a time.

“Sorry, I keep turning this into Parker James therapy hour,” he says lightly. “So, um, do you get along well with your siblings?”

* * *

"It's okay.I like learning about you," Harp says. "I don't feel like it's therapy hour at all. And no, we aren't on good terms, other than Gil."

Harp wants to change the subject but he's already pried enough into Parker's family. It feels like it wouldn't be right to change the topic so fast. He decides that he won't lie to Parker if he asks a direct question, but he won't offer up much unprompted if he can help it.

“Does Gil live in Florida?” Parker asks, sounding cautious.

"He did until this year. He moved to Portland almost a year ago," Harp says, puffing up a little. He's proud of Gil for escaping the toxic orbit of their parents, and he's proud of himself for being able to help Gil so much with the costs of his move.

“That’s awesome,” Parker says. “What does he do? Does he like it there?”

"He freelances as much as he can, but he's still looking for full-time work. Gil is like me—he does things at his own pace. But yeah, he loves it there. I've never seen him so happy. It's a total sea change, the opposite of living in the South where we're from."

“Why did he move?” Parker asks.

Harp snorts. "If you had my family and were gay, you'd move the hell away too."

Harp frowns, wondering how to explain it.

"Some of it was the conservative part of Florida he settled in. Some of it was proximity to his parents. I think most of it is that I thought he'd be much happier living in a place with a lot of gay peers around his age instead of stifled in a town where there's zero chance he would ever find a man who deserves him."

“Wait, you’re both gay? Er—sorry, that sounded weird—I just—I didn’t know… that was a thing.”

Harp laughs easily. "Yeah, maybe there was something in the water."

Parker starts to react to that and Harp holds up a hand. "A joke," Harp offers and Parker smiles. "Yeah we're both gay—and I'm glad for it. I think if we didn't have that in common, I never would've gotten to know him. I was already persona non grata in the house by the time he was growing up."

Harp finds that he likes talking to Parker about Gil. He's never really explained his relationship with his brother to anyone else and it feels good.

"Sorry, I could go on forever about Gil. I feel more like his dad than his brother most of the time—and I'm old enough to be, at least. I'm just over the moon proud of the kid, I guess."

* * *

Parker chokes slightlyand covers it up with an unconvincing cough. If he and Gil are the same age, and Harp is old enough to theoretically be Gil’s dad…

He pushes the thought out of his mind. He already knew his crush on Harp was ill-advised, and this is just more proof that he needs to stop mooning over someone who probably views him as a kid brother.

“You’re welcome to keep going,” Parker encourages. “It’s… it’s nice to hear about your family. I talk all the time, you know? As soon as I think of something I want to say, I can feel it buzzing around inside me like a bee or something, and I have to let it out. But—I like hearing about your family and you.” He pauses, glancing down. “When did you guys reconnect?”

Parker tries to imagine a world where Celia decides she wants to really get to know him, and the thought almost makes him laugh from the sheer absurdity of it.

It’s not even that he wants to know this specific information about a person he’s never met—it’s just that Parker is drunk off of hearing these snippets about Harp’s life. He feels like he knows Harp, and yet, when it comes to concrete details about the other man, he doesn’t actually have much to go on.

* * *

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