Page 297 of Untouchable

Parker nods and looks down at his lap. He’s not quite sure how to phrase this next part—he’s not even sure how he really feels, only that something in his mind is sticking, like a thread caught on a nail, and he hopes that Harp can help him figure out what is going on in his mind.

“While Gil was here,” Parker says. “I felt like… I felt like I was making you have to choose between me and your brother. I don’t want things to be like that. I want you to have Gil in your life, and I want to be in your life, and I’d like it if we could be in your life… at the same time, you know? It’d be shitty for you to feel like you have to split your time just because he and I can’t get along.”

He sighs.

“So, I don’t really know what to do about that. I think it was… really important for me to stand up to him, and I’m glad I did, because it kind of felt like I was standing up to my mom and my family and Cole and… everyone, you know? But… Gil is someone you love, and that did make you have to take sides. And that’s not fair to you.”

"He's my only family who matters—and I tried to be firm with him,” Harp says. “I wanted to put you first, Parker. I hope you understand that."

Parker runs his hands through his hair, frustrated with himself, with his inability to articulate his thoughts, with his inability to even know quite what his thoughts are.

“I—I do,” he says. He reaches out for Harp’s hand and squeezes it. “And that means a lot to me. But I don’t—I don’t like that you had to do that in the first place. And… I’m sorry. I—I love that you are always so quick to come to my rescue. It makes me feel loved and safe and cared about and—and a zillion other really lovely things. But I think I need to know how to do that for myself, too. Because it’s not fair to ask you to… protect me all the time, I guess.”

He sits back and fishes the index card out of his pocket, looking at the name and address scrawled on it in Harp’s distinctive, cramped handwriting.

“Maybe this is a good place to start,” he says lamely. He feels like Harp is giving him so much, so much love, so much devotion, so much effort, and he’s not sure how he can possibly return it in kind. He swallows hard.

“I… told you what I needed from you,” he said. “But… what do you need from me?”

"I need you to know that I did my best with Gil for you—even at the expense of doing the right thing for him. At every turn, I pulled him aside, I demanded respect for you. But I also didn't think about the fact that I'm more dad to him than brother, with the way our parents are. I know you weren't signing up to date a single dad with a bratty adult son—but I think you might have to think of me that way a little more than I originally planned. Things are going to be complicated with Gil for a while, but you have to know that I really tried this time."

Parker nods slowly. A small corner of himself is rebelling, throwing a tantrum and insisting Parker demand Harp do more. But that’s not fair to Harp, and that’s not even how Parker really feels, he thinks.

“Okay,” he says. “I—I guess that makes sense. And I do believe you.”

He’s not sure how he can put that into action, necessarily, but it’s a place to start.

* * *

"Our families have shownus that they're not going to behave themselves. I let Gil get to me until I was at my worst—let him get to you, too—and that goes to show that the only thing we should be worrying about controlling is our own reaction to the situation."

Harp looks down at his hands, because this part has been bothering him, too. He knows he's not a "suitable" age for Parker, that just like he can't force Gil to act a certain way, they can't expect Parker's parents to be respectful.

"I'm sure we're going to deal with the same things with your parents, if we're really going to make this work," Harp says. He wishes he could hold Parker, wishes he felt completely certain. "I'm not going to antagonize them, but I will stand up for myself—just like you did with my brother. At the end of the day, I think all we can do is try to be the bigger people."

"Let them be mad," Parker says, a little dreamy.

"Yeah. Let 'em," Harp says. He wants to smile. He wants to take a deep breath. But he's not sure what comes next.

Parker makes a face.

“Yeah, I, uh—didn’t even think about that. My parents, I mean. Unless I break contact with my parents…” He shudders. “That’s… gonna get ugly. But we can deal with it. We’ll get through it. And be better.” He reaches across the table for Harp’s hand once more.

"I don't want you to break contact with your parents," Harp says. "If there's something to salvage, I think you should. And you're young and they're... awful, but... I'm guessing that's what therapy is for. I mean, I don't recommend the route where you cut all ties and move to a mountain."

Parker smiles and Harp thinks about that for a moment. "Unless you're moving to my mountain. That I wouldn't object to."

* * *

Parker cocks his head,feeling like a shaken-up soda can. He narrows his eyes at Harp.

“Um, is that… Were you—did you mean—” He stops, too flustered to continue. “Are you asking me to move in with you?

"Where do we even stand, Parker? I don't know if I'm asking you to move in with me or asking you to tolerate me as your boyfriend again," Harp says.

He blushes, instantly embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he says. “I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. I—I love you, Harp. I’ve never met anyone like you and I know things aren’t perfect and never will be, but—I want it. I want all the happy, shiny parts, and I even want the bad parts, where I’m hurt or you’re scared or one of us says or does the wrong thing, because… I think I’m learning to trust myself, a little bit. I think you helped me learn how to do that. There’s something here—” He taps his sternum. “—that I’ve never felt, and it says I can trust you, and I can trust us, and it’ll be okay even when it’s not okay. And—and—and—well, that’s where I stand.”

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