Page 294 of Untouchable

Why did you tell me that?

Why are you leaving?

Why now?

And, above all—

Why don’t you want me anymore?

"Why what?"

Parker buries his face in his hands. Of course Harp is going to make Parker say it out loud. He’s sure Harp doesn’t even realize just how humiliating this is for Parker. He knows his eyes are red and he probably looks like a little kid mid-tantrum.

* * *

“Was it…was it the stuff Gil said?” Parker says. “Is that—is that what you really think I want from you?

"I don't understand what you mean," Harp says, feeling suddenly so desperate and confused. "Of course I don't believe any of that shit Gil said."

Parker’s head snaps up, sadness turned to fear turned to frustration.

“Well, then why? Why didn’t you text me? Why did you want to talk after our session? Why are you telling me about your plans to travel the world?”

"I wanted you to have a clear mind when you decided," Harp says. "I didn't want to talk down to you, or make you a lot of promises that I probably couldn't keep. Gil fucked me up too, the way he made me feel like I was so feeble—I needed a day alone, a day to think and time to figure out how I could be better than I was. I knew nothing I was going to text you was going to be enough."

“When I decided what, Harp?” Parker’s voice has a hard edge of desperation.

"Whether or not you want to keep doing this. Whether or not I'm worth it, for you.

* * *

A fresh waveof tears hits him, and Parker stands up. Almost in a trance, he goes outside onto the deck and leans over the railing, sucking in deep lungfuls of icy winter air. He feels the way he did when he’d been concussed after hitting the deer—muddled, two steps behind, the world feeling slightly off his axis.

He feels like he might throw up.

Harp follows Parker out and lays a hand in the center of Parker's back.

"We don't have to keep talking about this. I'm sorry."

Parker jerks away from Harp and turns around. All he wants to do is lean into Harp’s touch, for Harp to pull him into a crushing hug and shield him from everything bad, and he has to put space between them to resist the urge to throw himself into Harp’s arms.

“Harp—what the—what—what the fuck?” he spits out. He runs his hand through his hair, distraught, accidentally yanking it hard. He goes back inside, and Harp follows him, looking confused and alarmed. Parker paces the kitchen, and Bo zooms into the living room and starts barking, clearly aware there’s something wrong.

“Harp—” he says finally, still pacing. “We had the best fucking Christmas, followed by the worst fucking Boxing Day or whatever. Your brother was a dick to me, you didn’t do anything about it, and you—you told me to—god, you told me I should—”

He takes a deep breath, flustered, and finally stops pacing, turning towards Harp.

“It’s whatever—then, you send me one super cryptic text and tell me all about your life plans—which have nothing to do with me, and then say I’m the one who needs to choose? Like, where along the line there was I supposed to think you still even wanted to be with me?”

"What? My life plans have everything to do with you. Parker—all of this is for you. I wanted to prove that I can be worth it—or at least prove that I'm willing to try. That was the whole point. I love you, Parker,” Harp says, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Parker stands there, stunned.

“Huh?” he says.

"I wanted to give you space. I wanted to respect your boundaries and... Christ, Parker, I don't know. I guess I fucked this up royally, too."

Parker cocks his head, frowning. This feels like the moment in a dream right before he realizes he’s asleep and wakes himself up, where everything seems slightly odd but he can’t say why.

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