Page 279 of Untouchable

He runs his hand through his hair.

“Can we please just talk later?” he says. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t think anything we say tonight is going to be—” He heaves a sigh. “Look, I’ve been drinking, I’m really out of sorts or whatever, and I—I just don’t want to say something I regret or don’t mean.”

"Of course," Harp says with a curt nod.

* * *

Heartbreak will come later.He's been preparing for it.

His whole life has been a rehearsal for this. The only surprising part is that it's taken this long.

But Harp can reflect on all that later, when he's alone, when Parker is home safe. Right now, what Parker wants is the most important thing.

"I won't bother you when we get back to my place—I know you have to get up early. Thanks for everything, Parker."

Parker sighs.

“Honestly, Harp, I don’t think I’m going to fall asleep for a while. Please just text me so I don’t have to worry, okay?”

He scrubs his hands over his face.

"I understand. I will. Goodnight," Harp says. It feels odd to say the words with nothing else passing between them. A touch, a kiss.

“Harp…” Parker says softly. “Please… don’t do this. Don’t shut down. Can we just—is it possible to just… pause things for a moment? And come back to it when we’re not…” He trails off, waving his hand.

"Definitely," Harp lies.

Why is he making this so hard?

Harp just needs to get back inside to Gil, to the only person he has left, to the person he's furious at and simultaneously terrified of losing now that he's back to just one person who cares, who knows him. He can think about this later—break down later.

Parker looks uncertain and Harp knows it's because he's doing a bad job of convincing Parker.

"I'm okay," Harp says, summoning up all of his energy to project okayness, whatever that means. "I get it."

* * *

There’s so muchhe wants to say, but all the strength, all the articulation he’d miraculously found talking to Gil at the table is gone—not a real fire but just a bit of kindling, flashing bright before burning out.

He doesn’t want to leave things like this, but he realizes he’s the one that is refusing to stay.

Parker looks up at his boyfriend sadly. He feels like there’s some chasm between them, unlike anything he’s ever seen, ever felt. He’s never seen Harp quite so distant, as if there’s simply… nothing behind the dark brown of his eyes.

Parker tries to inhale, but it just turns into an undignified gulping sob.

“I’m not—I don’t want you to have to pick between me and Gil, okay? That’s—that’s not fair for you. So, I’m gonna go home, and we can—” He heaves another sigh. “I dunno. But—look, we’re all having a miserable time, okay? Try to have fun with him. We can talk later.”

The car pulls up and Parker looks miserably at Harp, waiting for a response.

* * *

"Definitely,"Harp repeats, feeling like he's caught in a time loop, like he'll never escape this moment, like he's in a dream where he can't run and his feet move through thick, sucking muck like molasses. "Get home safe. Good night."

He watches Parker get into the car.

“Try to have fun with him.”

Is Harp doing the wrong thing? Is he supposed to let Parker go? Should he beg Parker to stay?

No, he realizes. He pulled away. He needs to get away from you. Let him go.

* * *

Parker getsin the car and looks back at Harp, who’s simply watching him leave. He’s not sure if he wants Harp to let him go or chase after him. Chasing after him would be… romantic, in a way, but Harp is respecting his boundaries. Which should be what he wants.

Parker doesn’t even know what he wants anymore.

He shuts the door and lets the driver take him home. The entire ride home, he is quiet, silent tears running down his face as he leans up against the window, watching the bright, silvery moon above.

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