Page 81 of Drop His Mask

The Host turned to watch Nightingale. Before he had thought her all powerful, evil, larger than life. But now he recognized her for what she was. A broken woman that had been beaten, abused, and used for years. Her childhood torn to shreds; her innocence stolen too soon. Pity wormed its way into his heart for her, but it did nothing to change how he regarded Nightingale.

“Anadil, it’s time to accept we are never going to leave here. There isn’t a possibility in hell that they will ever let us escape. That the other countries will ever care enough to put a stop to these games.”

“Oh sweet, idiotic Julian. You haven’t changed after all. I believeMr. Rogerhas clued you in a bit more on how the rest of the world operates.”

The Host didn’t respond, instead watching the woman’s face with a critical intensity. Searching forsomething. But he wasn’t quite sure what exactly.

“It may not be the same in Violencia, but the rest of the world considers mothers to besacred. Cherished. What do you think would happen if a mother ended up in this game?”

The Host furrowed his brow in confusion before he slowly worked out his own thoughts. It was harder now to convey them. His mind was such aslushy of uppers and downers that he had half-forgotten about his identity outside of here. “It wouldn’t be good,” he finally settled on.

Nightingale straightened, sweeping her dark, raven-black hair behind her. “Now hold onto that thought. We’ll circle back to it later.” She cast a look around his space. The stark possessions, the lack of any personal items. “This isn’t who you are, Julian. Underneath all of this, the façade, the blank empty canvas you’re trying to project, I know there is a good man. One that loves and cares about those close to him. One that risks everything for others. It won’t be too much longer now, all of this suffering will be worth it. I promise.”

I…promise?

Why did those two words hit The Host harder than anything she had said prior?

He brought a hand up to his chest, his nails digging into the fabric there, his mind wavering with who he once was and who this world had made him to be. He wanted more than anything to be the naïve boy that didn’t know the disgusting nature of it all.

He longed for the ability to rewrite his story.

“You need to leave.” The words came from his mouth, but they didn’t sound like him. They were broken lyrics to a song he had never written or heard before.

“Oh Julian, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know about the collars. But it won’t be much longer now.”

“Leave!” he belted out as he fell to his knees. A prick on his neck was indication that his heart rate had spiked too high. A drug was entering his system.

“What is this? What are they doing to you?”

A downer.

“Leave please.” He wanted to sob and wail as his body was no longer his own. His limbs went numb. He slumped to the floor, face turned to the side.

This time he heard the unmistakable noise as she walked away from him. Leaving him to his own despair. His loneliness. Just him, inside a muddled mind.

This was why he couldn’t feel. This was why he needed to control his emotions. He couldn’t keep going through this cycle of numbness and adrenaline.

He didn’t feel like this body was his any longer. He had effectively become a complete puppet. They didn’t only pull his strings, they also controlled the stuffing. Every single piece inside of him was no longer his.

It was the Creator’s.

It was the Sponsor’s.

It was this god-forsaken game’s.

All he could do was think back to the memories of a time much brighter than now. Of a doe eyed woman with vivid blue eyes and dark charcoal hair. Of how she had kept him alive.

Of how her daughter was now doing the same. He loved Sparrow with his entire heart, cared for the girl more than he should, and would do anything to keep her safe. In his mind, Sparrow washischild. He had been there for all of her firsts, watched as the doctor had delivered her, held her in his arms as she cried for the very first time.

But even still, it was Raven that was his very last tether to humanity. Tosanity. To this earthly plane.

And he missed Raven. He missed Raven so fucking much. But he wasn’t the same man she knew, he was a broken creature. And beneath everything, he wasterrified. Scared that even if they were reunited, she wouldn’t recognize him. That she wouldn’t forgive him for all that he had done in their time apart.

His vision twisted as he was moved, rearranged. And now he stared into those familiar eyes. His mind was too foggy to comprehend they might not be Raven’s.

“I’m so sorry.” The distant, broken sob cut into him, but he couldn’t discern if they were reality or a delusion that he had cooked up. “I never meant for any of this to happen.”

He wanted to comfort the crying woman, but the drug had run its course.

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