Page 35 of Poltergeists & Change of Life

"Right," I drawled, "because 'Extreme Pregnancy Parkour' is totally going to be the next big fitness craze. I can see the infomercials now."

“The way you move that big belly, you’d make a mint,” Nana agreed.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder (a dangerous assumption in my life), we entered a vast circular chamber. The chaos of the previous rooms gave way to an eerie stillness that was almost more unnerving. The walls were lined with ancient texts whose spines glowed faintly in the dim light.

"Jackpot," Stella breathed. Her eyes were wide with excitement as she approached the shelves cautiously. Her hands hovered over the books like a kid eyeing the biggest present under the Christmas tree. "These texts are incredible. They contain knowledge that's been lost for millennia."

"That's great," I said and waddled over to join her. The babies chose that moment to do what felt like a routine from Swan Lake. It made me pause to catch my breath. "But unless one of those books is titled 'How to Stop an Evil Witch and Save the World While Heavily Pregnant’, we might want to keep moving."

Aidon suddenly went rigid. Even across the chamber, I could see his body was coiled tighter than a spring in a Monster energy drink can. His eyes darted around the chamber. "We're not alone." The low and urgent tone of his voice made my heart do a gymnastics routine worthy of the Olympics. "Something's coming."

Chimeras slunk from the darkness. These weren’t the classic lion-goat-snake version. They were something worse. These had the sleek bodies of panthers, scaled wings tight against their sides, and three serpentine heads that moved independently, tasting the air with forked tongues.

"Intruders," the lead shadow hissed, its voice sending chills down my spine. "You dare to trespass in the sacred catacombs?"

I snorted and flung my right arm out. "Sacred? Please. Your idea of 'sacred' involves more death traps than an Indiana Jones movie marathon. What's next, a pit of snakes? Or maybe a giant boulder chase scene?"

The shadow beings didn't seem to appreciate my cinematic references. They lunged forward angrily. Aidon's glowing sword materialized in his hand. Its divine light was unique to him. Melinoë's darkness swirled around her like a cloak. Stella's hands crackled with magical energy. Even Nana looked ready for a fight. Unsurprisingly, her eyes gleamed with a mixture of excitement and mischief that made me seriously reconsider my definition of ‘little old lady’. She cast spells so fast it made my head spin like a top.

I had to get it together and help them fight. When I managed to pull up my magic, I went from zero to hero in an instant. Ibegan doing my best impression of a magical ballistic missile. I channeled every spell and burst of power at the shadow beings. At one point, the babies joined the fun. Their power wasn’t offensive, but it boosted mine and the creatures went flying like particularly evil bowling pins.

"You know," I shouted over the din of battle as I blasted a shadow being that got too close, "when I pictured my babymoon, this wasn't quite what I had in mind! I was thinking more 'spa day' and less 'magical cage match'!"

The fight erupted like a magical piñata filled with chaos and property damage. Aidon and Melinoë unleashed their divine mojo, looking like the world's most terrifying rave light show. Stella meanwhile, was flinging spells faster than an auctioneer on speed.

Not to be outdone, Nana was wielding her walking stick like a geriatric Jedi. She cackled with glee as she whacked shadow-butts left and right. "Take that, you overgrown dust bunnies!" she crowed as she executed a move that would make Jackie Chan jealous.

Pregnancy hormones and magical outbursts don't mix. One minute, I was waddling for cover. The next, I was accidentally turning shadow beings into confetti with sneezes that packed more punch than Thor's hammer.

The whole shebang was over quicker than you could say, ‘magical beatdown’. Those shadow creeps didn't stand a snowball's chance in a microwave against our ragtag crew. They fell like dominoes, some dissolving back into formless shadows while others were trapped in magical bindings.

I leaned against a nearby pillar when the last one fell, suddenly exhausted. The adrenaline rush faded. It left behind a bone-deep weariness and an intense craving for pickles and ice cream. "Well," I panted, "that was fun. Can we go home now? Icould really use a nap and about a gallon of ice cream. Possibly at the same time."

Aidon was at my side in an instant. He scanned me for injuries with an intensity that would have put an MRI machine to shame. "Are you alright? The babies?"

I nodded, managing a weak smile as I felt the reassuring movements within. "We're fine. Though I think the triplets just got their first lesson in magical self-defense. They're practically doing victory laps in there. I wouldn't be surprised if they come out knowing how to throw fireballs."

Stella laughed at that. When I looked over, she had her arms full of ancient texts. She was better than most pickpockets to have grabbed that many during the chaos. "We need to get out of here," she said urgently, her eyes darting to the entrance. "There might be more of them coming. And I don't know about you, but I've had my fill of shadow puppets gone wrong for one day."

As if on cue, we heard shouts echoing from the corridor we'd come through. The sounds of heavy footsteps and clanking weapons grew louder. Ah, the promise of round two of our little magical showdown. Stella wasn’t getting out of there with those books.

Melinoë grinned, a predatory gleam in her eye that promised trouble for anyone foolish enough to cross her path. "Sounds like reinforcements. Who's up for round two? I'm thinking we go for a high score this time."

"Hard pass," I groaned, pushing myself off the pillar with effort. My back ached, my feet were killing me, and I was pretty sure the triplets had started using my bladder as a trampoline again. "I vote we find the express exit. Preferably one that doesn't involve more death traps or homicidal clock parts. I've had enough 'time is trying to kill you' jokes for one lifetime."

Nana cackled, already moving towards a previously hidden passage that had opened up during the fight. It looked likeour little magical brawl had triggered some kind of secret mechanism. "This way, kiddos," she called, waving us over with a gnarled hand. "Mama's got a feeling about this one. And my feelings are never wrong. Well, except for that time in sixty-eight, but we don't talk about that."

CHAPTER 16

You know how some people say pregnancy is a magical time, full of wonder and joy? Well, let me tell you, those people have clearly never had to totter through ancient catacombs while being chased by homicidal shadow beings. If this was what they meant, I'd like to request a refund, please. And maybe a foot massage. No. Definitely a foot massage.

The narrow corridors were designed by an agoraphobic madman with a fetish for gears and pulleys. Every few feet, a new death trap would spring to life. The universe decided that being pregnant with triplets wasn't enough of a challenge for me. No, we needed to add ‘impromptu contestant on Wipeout: Armageddon Edition’ to my ever-growing resume.

"You know," I started as I ducked under a swinging blade that came entirely too close to giving me a haircut I hadn’t asked for, "when I pictured my third trimester, I imagined more 'feet up and eating brookies' with less 'dodging certain death every five seconds’. Silly me. Clearly, I should have read 'What to Expect When You're Expecting the Apocalypse' instead."

Aidon snorted as he remained beside me. He deflected arrows and who knows what else with his glowing sword.He looked like a nauseating mishmash of a Greek god and a particularly lethal disco ball. "Just a little further, love," he encouraged. His tone made me think we were on a pleasant jog through the park and not running for our lives. If only that could take away the soul deep fear gripping me.

"Oh, is that all?" I shot back. "Just a little further through the magical murder maze? Well, why didn't you say so? I'll just pick up the pace, shall I? Maybe do a little jig while I'm at it? Perhaps a quick tap dance number? I hear that's excellent cardio for expectant mothers."

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