Page 64 of Memories with Fire

Out. Get out. Now. The words repeat themselves in my head like a drumbeat.

Today has been too much for me to handle and I need to leave before the others get back. Between my career being in the air, and learning of Luke’s double life, I need to leave so I can catch my breath and sort through everything.

The only problem is, I don’t have a vehicle.

Screaming internally, it comes out as a growl as I round the doorway to the rec and kitchen area. I need a ride. Someone who won’t call anyone associated with the firehouse right away. That means Savanna is out because she’ll run straight to Nate. Jordan, his sister, too. Possibly even Bryn, who used to be the head server at 10-42, Nate’s bar.

Quinn. I know the code to her locker; I could grab her keys and go. She’s not going to need her car while on shift anyway, and she’d understand. There’s no chance she’ll be a fan of Luke after learning the truth.

Fiancée. Baby. Good god.

My steps falter just before I reach the locker room, the door catching me before I land on my face. One small sob escapes without permission before I pull in a deep breath, knowing I need to keep it together long enough to get out of here. If I fall apart once I’m away from where someone will find me, so be it. But not until then.

My hands shake violently trying to get the lock off Quinn’s locker, and it takes me three tries before I’m finally in, fishing her keys out of her bag. Then I’m in my own locker, hurriedly getting changed, sending Quinn a text about her car, and throwing everything into my work bag without thought or care.

The initial shock of Luke having a family is starting to wear off and I can feel my heart beginning to crack. I know it won’t be long until it splinters all the way through, shattering into a million pieces that I’ll need to pick up. Again.

“Too much. Too much, too much, too much,” I mutter to myself, moving back through the firehouse the way I came. “Get out. Gotta go. Gotta go, and get out. Too much.”

While I want to escape out a side door to the employee parking lot, I know I need to let Captain Bernard know I’m leaving. Some small part of my brain is working well enough in the background to understand that. Even if it means going through reception.

I pause just before going through the doors, trying to pull myself together. Every second removed from finding out the truth is one second closer to me losing control. And on the other side of this door is Luke’s other half. The other half I thought I was. That I should be.

The second I open the door, the woman sitting in the waiting area looks up. Our eyes connect and it takes everything in me not to turn around to disappear out a side door without talking to the captain. I’m already unsure of my future, though, so I can’t risk anything else. I’m not sure if I could recover from losing Luke and my career in one day which means I must go forward.

“You can always go backward.You can always go back to where you came from, but where’s the fun in that? There’s no growth. No conquering what scares you.”

He always says I can go backwards, which is exactly what I’d like to do. Back to my little cocoon that was safe, stable, and didn’t bring anything that could harm me into it. Back to before I started giving Luke my heart again. Before my walls came down. Before he came waltzing into my firehouse. I want to go back to the days that I thought I hated him because they were so much easier than the fracturing of my heart.

I manage to get past the woman without her saying a word to me. Her eyes follow me the entire way along the narrow channel between the chairs and the long counter. Though I don’t want to look at her, I can’t help it.

She truly is beautiful. Even with lips that are too big for her face. She’s the type of woman that I’d associated Luke with ten years ago, before I knew him, when he was just some kid trying to get me to go on a date. Tons of makeup, which makes every part of her stand out, gorgeous hair that women would kill for, bronzed skin that probably has a summer glow all year round. Perfectly perfect. The complete opposite of me.

It takes thirty seconds to tell Captain Bernard I don’t need a ride, and then I’m out the front door, refusing to look in the woman’s direction again. Another minute and I’m in Quinn’s red convertible that’s over twenty years old but still in good condition.

I hate this car. A convertible is not what I’d consider safe, but I’m out of choices.

At least she left the top up.

I make it two blocks before I need to pull over onto a side street where I know the firetruck won’t see me. Where no one except a neighbor walking by might see me as the tears cascade down my cheeks. I fish a tissue out of Quinn’s back seat, dabbing at my eyes, but it’s no use. One tear leads to another which leads to another which eventually turns into a sob.

My thoughts are a complete disaster, bouncing around from problem to problem with no solution for any of them. My mom’s betrayal, Luke’s deception, the possibility of losing my job. Throw in stealing my best friend’s car, because it dawns on me that’s basically what I’ve done, and I can’t deal. I don’t even know where to begin sorting through everything.

My hands haven’t stopped shaking since I got in the car, and they don’t stop now as I reach for my bag, pulling out my new cell phone. Luke took me to replace the one still in my destroyed car. I’m a blubbering mess as I go through my contacts and pull up Cindi’s number, my best friend from all those years ago. Thousands of miles between us while she went to college and I was rehabbing tore through our friendship all those years ago, but we still keep in touch sporadically.

If I can’t talk to Quinn, or any of my other close-knit friends for fear of them running to Nate, then Cindi is the next best thing. I need someone to help me make sense of my life.

But as I listen to the phone ring, I come to another realization. One that sends a shiver violently through my body.

“Hey Hails,” Cindi greets, warm and cheery.

“Did you know?”

Confusion meets me. “Did I know what?”

“About Luke. All those years ago, did you know that my mom chose to keep Luke away from me? That he tried to get hold of me?” My voice gets higher with each word that comes out of my mouth, and I suck in a breath, trying to get a handle on myself before I become hysterical. “Did you know?”

Her silence tells me everything. A wail of turmoil thrashes through me, erupting from my lips, sending me bending forward over the console, my shoulders curling while I try to retreat into myself. If I make myself into a little ball, maybe it won’t hurt so bad.

---