Page 62 of Memories with Fire

“I was driving back to the house when I heard about the accident. Came to see if I could offer anything.” A strange, but familiar voice comes from my left. It takes me a moment, but then I realize it’s our Captain, talking to Nate. Captain Bernard. In a surprised tone, he continues, “Hailey? What’s wrong?”

“I don’t think she was ready,” Nate tells him.

I’m focused solely on his face, now that he’s interrupted my view of the crash scene, and all I see is concern.

Ready for what?

“Deal with the scene,” Captain Bernard says. “I’ll deal with Hailey.”

Why does anyone need to deal with me?

Nate nods, taking off towards the crash with one last glance at me. I frown, thoroughly confused. I know that I need to go help too, but I still can’t seem to make my feet work.

“Hailey let’s go sit in my truck,” Captain Bernard coaxes in a calm tone.

Turning my head, which seems to take minutes to do, I blink at him, my frown deepening. My arm feels like it’s full of rocks as I lift it to point at the scene. “I… I need to help Quinn.” My frown intensifies when I realize the words sound slow in my ears.

The Captain gives me a smile that I recognize. It’s the type of smile we use with patients that aren’t quite with it. Compassionate and empathetic. I don’t like it, but I don’t stop him when he places a hand on my shoulder and gently guides me towards his vehicle. I stumble once, my feet and brain uncoordinated, but manage to catch myself before I fall. Or maybe Captain Bernard catches me, I’m not really sure.

“We’re going to let the boys help Quinn. She’ll be okay.”

My eyes stay on the flurry of activity for as long as possible, looking over my shoulder at it. It’s changed drastically since we arrived, I realize, but I don’t know when that happened. I know I’ve been staring over there, minus when Nate blocked my vision, so I should have seen Liam pulling out the jaws of life, or Brody holding a safety shield over the victim. I don’t recall any of it, and I’m sure they couldn’t have done it all in the moments that Nate was in front of me.

When I turn back to Captain Bernard as we get to his truck, I ask, “What are we doing?”

“That depends on a phone call I’m going to make,” he tells me, helping me into the passenger seat.

The frown I’ve been wearing expands. It’s not just a facial feature anymore, but something I can feel seeping deep into my bones. Somehow, I manage to wait patiently while Captain Bernard gets into the driver’s seat and dials a number in his phone.

“Hi Alyssa. Does Dr. Rinkins have any availability today?”

My head whips in his direction, my eyes rounding in surprise. My stomach starts to sink with a leaden feeling. The department psychologist?

“That’s great. Thanks, Alyssa.”

He hangs up the phone and finds me gawking at him. Captain Bernard is a patient, caring man who’s gone grey around the edges, and has warm brown eyes. He’s been the Captain at the firehouse since I started six years ago, and I’ve always thought fondly of him. He’s fair, compassionate, a great listener, and doesn’t take any shit.

“Why did you call Dr. Rinkins?” My voice is dripping with trepidation. I’m not sure I want to know the answer. There’ve been times when a scene has been so horrific and traumatic, that we’ve debriefed with the aid of counselors, but I’ve never had to go to Dr. Rinkins. I’m not sure what this means for me, or my job.

The older man gives me the same smile as before. “Because you need to talk to someone before you come back to work, Hailey.”

I shake my head at him, refusing to believe I need to talk to anyone about anything. “But I’m fine.”

“So then what happened when you got out of the ambulance?” he questions, raising a wise eyebrow.

“I—” I start and then pause, frowning. Taking a breath, I look down at my hands which, to my surprise, are trembling. Clasping them together, I push them between my legs so that he doesn’t see them shake. “That car looks like mine. It made me think of the accident the other day.”

“And then you froze,” he says gently. There’s no judgement in his tone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it from myself. “It’s okay if you’re not alright, but it’s not okay to be on duty while you’re not okay. For the safety of everyone.”

Swallowing a lump of emotion rising in my throat before bringing my gaze back to him, I still don’t know what this means for me. Besides the fact I need to see Dr. Rinkins, and I can’t work until she gives me the green light. But what if she never gives me the green light?

“I thought I was okay.”

He nods in understanding. “We all have different triggers. There’s no shame in that. But that’s why you’re going to talk to someone before you come back to work. Deal?”

There’s not much I can do besides nod, even though I don’t feel like agreeing.

“Deal,” I whisper because if I speak any louder, I’m scared my voice will crack.

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