Page 32 of Broken Chorus

Aaron glanced away, staring out over the rooftops. “Whatever.”

“Un-huh, I’m pretty sure you just proved my point.”

“Whatever point ya’ll are trying to prove out there, one of you had better shut the balcony doors while you make it. I’m not heating the whole fuckin’ neighborhood.” Kelly bellowed.

Aaron watched him head into the kitchen with a battered notebook in his hand and assumed they were moving their session to await the food. Declan had already wheeled himself up to the table, and now Micah turned and left Aaron on the balcony to think about whether or not to join them.

Not, his inner voice screamed so loudly he was left no choice but to listen to it.

He fished another joint out of the case because the easy flowing mellow vibe he’d managed to slip into over the course of the day had vanished the moment Declan had arrived. Okay, so maybe Declan’s chair unnerved him a little. Well, a lot. It threw him back to the years in his grandparents’ house and the way his Gramps had wielded his chair like a weapon to terrify himor berated a too small Aaron for not being able to maneuver him where he wanted to go. Seeing those wheels had left him wishing he could fly off like the crow had, which would probably have been considered more offensive than not wanting Declan around in the first place. And yet somehow, they were supposed to make music together without Aaron having a complete and utter meltdown?

It was all set up so he could fail.

He took a deep drag, sighed, and closed his eyes. Music had always been his whirlwind roller coaster ride, the more intense the better. Rage, pain, sorrow, hope, joy, even those fleeting brushes with love that he’d tucked down deep and tried to hide from. There was no hiding anything in the music. He could let it all seep out, every bit of ugly and the few things that that might be beautiful, someday. When that guitar was in his hands, he could spill his blood on the strings and make magic. He could be something to the masses that he’d never been to the people closest to him, and sometimes, when they were in the throws of the final song, he knew what it meant to be loved.

Music was the one place where he didn’t have to think about saying or doing the wrong things, all he had to do was play the chords he’d written. Now there was going to be this constant current of anxiety rolling around everything they did as a band. How long would it be before he said something insensitive or suggested they go do something that Declan wouldn’t be able to do? He wouldn’t mean to exclude him, but he doubted the others would see it that way and they’d all turn on him like rabid dogs looking to tear him apart for being stupid enough to open his mouth in the first place.

And that was the other bit that had him bothered. Kelly had drawn a line in the sand, and he wasn’t on Aaron’s side of it. Nothing like a carpet of cracked glass and spider webs to make one fearful of falling, and he would fall. He would fuckup spectacularly, which would piss Kelly off, and dammit all, no rush in the world was worth losing another friend.

And then there was how Hawk would take it. Would he believe it had been deliberate? Would that be the final breaking point between them. The one that erased even the friendship? He was reminded of the feel of Hawk’s hands in his hair, Hawk’s cock buried in him, the two of them choking back their moans so they wouldn’t wake the kids, which had been sexy as hell, when he really thought about it. He’d have given anything in the world to be free of the fear that moments like those were numbered. That moments with Hawk of any sort would one day be in short supply.

“The foods been here for ten minutes now,” Kelly said, startling Aaron as he interrupted his thoughts. “You coming in, or are you settling in for a nap?”

Aaron hugged Kelly the moment his friend knelt in front of him. “You mean more to me than the music, okay? Don’t ever wanna lose you because of it.”

“What makes you think you will?”

Sucking in a breath, Aaron told himself to shut up, to stop babbling, but the one thing about weed was how loose it made his tongue and how low it brought his inhibitions. “I don’t know how not to be uncomfortable with Declan around. I don’t know how not to say the wrong thing. I already said shit wrong, and you’re already pissed, and I don’t want you pissed more.”

He could feel Kelly nod in understanding and hug him just a little bit tighter.

“You’re afraid of him, aren’t you?”

Aaron bit the inside of his cheek in an effort to stifle his answer, not that words had ever been needed between them or any of the members of his ex-band. Kelly just hugged him tighter and growled, one hand tangling in Aaron’s hair, clutching it and helping to ground him a little.

“What did that old bastard do to you?” Kelly asked, his words an echo of ones he’d asked many years before when Aaron had popped up with bruises covering his hands and marring the skin clear up to his elbows. Just like he’d done back then, Aaron huddled against his friend and refused to say anything while Kelly did what he’d done on that day too, stopped asking questions, and simply held him while the world melted away.

Chapter 8

Songs in the Silence

Each night he stepped foot in the room, the first thing Hawk did was inhale and let the silence settle around him like a weighted blanket. It let the whirlwind of the day settle and the echo of the chaos fade, though now that he’d learned just how much the kids enjoyed group activities, the evenings had been a lot less turbulent. Instead of there being three rooms to clean up, they all cleaned up the living room together before they startedgetting ready for bed. These last two weeks had been filled with amazing bonding moments between him and the kids, and he’d thanked Aaron for that several times since he’d gone back to the city to work things out with the band. He’d opened Hawk’s eyes to the possibilities and demonstrated in every interaction with them that there was a way of engaging and answering questions that kept the whimsy alive.

They still quibbled as much as ever, but Hawk had grown up with siblings, that’s just what they did. One moment they were chasing each other around, screaming bloody murder and ratting each other out, and the next they were sprawled side by side watching a movie. It certainly kept him on his toes.

Okay.

Wuuuuussssssaaaaaaaa

No more thinking about anything but the music.

He’d formed the rest of the song around the words Aaron had written, but the opening verse still felt wrong. Not powerful enough for the words that came later. He’d never had a hard time tapping into emotions, but since his brother Arden’s death there were places within himself that he didn’t want to touch, and it was keeping him from getting that damned verse right.

Inhale.

Exhale.

He could do this.

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