Page 61 of Broken Chorus

“Looks like I should be asking you the same thing.”

Micah closed his eyes, blew out a breath, and sighed. “Just don’t wanna fuck this up.”

Aaron settled a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “First times always the worse.”

“But it does get easier, right?”

“Oh yeah. I swear. You’ll find your rhythm, your rituals and your coping mechanisms. Once those are in place, there won’t be anything to stand in your way,” Aaron insisted, hoping to sound more confident than he felt, considering the situation. They were still just four individuals trying to play music together, they weren’t a real band, even if Kelly refused to acknowledge that fact and kept pressing forward, hoping they’d be able to decide whether they’d be capable of playing Rocktoberfest.

Hawk had insisted it would come and had even reminded him of their first few disastrous performances back when they’d been young and rushing to make a name for themselves. It should have been easier now. They’d seen so much in the past decade, performed all over the world, and yet here he was with a severe case of butterflies, while Kelly paced and jangled the metal puzzle Aaron had ordered him when he’d ordered his own box of fidget toys.

Okay, so maybe they weren’t all for him. He fully intended to share with Hawk and the kids.

“Looks like Declan’s already found his zen,” Micah said, drawing his attention to the forth member of their band.

Micah had a point there. Declan had backed his chair into the far corner of the room and sat twirling a drumstick, looking completely at ease and ready for them to go on.

With his arms crossed, Aaron leaned against the wall closest to the door, wanting to get up there before self-doubt could kick in and the inner monologue started and completely convinced him that he was making the biggest mistake in his professional career.

“Do you have the set list memorized?” Kelly asked as he paced past, the jangle the kind of rattling rhythm that made for awesome white noise.

“You know I do.” Aaron said. “I just wanna get this over with.”

“Wow,” Declan grumbled. “You make it sound like torture, or at the very least, a colonoscopy. That’s not very comforting or flattering to the rest of us.”

“Yeah, well, none of the rest of you have to go out there and try to do something you’ve never done before!” Aaron snapped, shoving away from the wall to start pacing opposite of Kelly. “I’m not a front man! I’ve never even filled in for Hawk in front of a crowd. We always brought someone else in, or rescheduled if he couldn’t perform.”

“Because you refused,” Kelly reminded him.

“Yeah, I know. I’m just sayin’ that I want this done so I know what it feels like. I’m tired of worrying about the unknown.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Micah replied. “I wish we were up there already too.”

“You guys go out there scared and all you’re gonna do is sabotage yourselves, and the rest of us in the process,” Declan said, shooting dark looks at both of them, “so pull it together, please.”

Whirling, Aaron turned to face him, because the guy had been sniping at him an awful lot lately and occasionally Micah too, which wasn’t cool when the guy was working his ass off, the same as Aaron was. Hell, he’d even joined Aaron down in his apartment a few times, sharing a meal and working on their guitar parts where they could focus without interruptions or suggestions from anyone else clouding what they were attempting to do.

“I’m sorry that I can’t fake a level of confidence that I don’t feel yet. A part of me wishes I’d have stayed in Wyoming with the kids and sent Hawk back here to perform with you guys. At leastthen you’d have a real frontman and not a fuckin’ pretender,” Aaron declared, chucking his squishy gray stress ball at the wall.

“I think that is the most honest thing you’ve said since I met you,” Declan said, sighing heavily. “If it’s any consolation, I’m feeling pretty nervous too.”

“Doesn’t seem that way,” Aaron grumbled.

“Then maybe you should look harder,” Declan snapped. “Hell, maybe you should look at me while we’re playing like you do everyone else so I’m not sitting up there feeling like the house drummer. Oh wait, him you actually want to play with. There’s an awesome video going around. I don’t know if you’ve seen it yet, not that you need to since you lived it, but it’s you, playing just to the left of Kazzy, the two of you staring one another down, making funny faces and trying to get the other to laugh and fuck up a little in the middle of a song and you know what? It’s awesome. Maybe if you explained to me why his ripped off flourishes don’t distract you, I could work out my improvised ones, so you won’t complain about me throwing everything off.”

“We didn’t need improvising when we were trying to polish a song,” Aaron said, not arguing, just doing as Declan had asked and trying to explain the difference. “Kazzy wasn’t creating anything, he was literally playing the exact version of the drumlines from a live show we’d both attended. It didn’t throw me off because I’d expected it to be there.”

“And you don’t expect Kazzy to create,” Declan said, filling in what Aaron hadn’t wanted to say about his friend. “You already know going in that he’s going to play someone else’s version, and chances are you’ve heard it, and more than once, too.”

“Pretty much,” Aaron admitted, ceasing his pacing so he could stand several feet in front of their drummer. “You’re improv is awesome, but you can’t play up here when everyone else is still trying to master the art of standing.”

He’d raised his hand damn near to the ceiling when he said it, hoping Declan got the point and didn’t take it personal because it wasn’t. The man was phenomenal on those skins, but you couldn’t play balls to the wall when you were creating, everything just felt rushed then, like you were shooting paintballs at a canvas and hoping someone would call it art.

“Why couldn’t you just say that directly to me?” Declan asked. “Why did I have to hear that I was fucking things up from Kelly, and then wait all these sessions later to learn way? Did you think I wouldn’t get it if you just said it that way? I would have and I wouldn’t have wasted a ton of time trying to work out understated ones.”

“Yeah, say something and have Kelly take my head off ‘cause I wasn’t tactful enough, no thanks! I piss him off enough as it is. I don’t need to open my mouth and go adding more to it!” Aaron snapped, grateful when the door opened, and the club’s stage manager popped his head in to tell them it was time.

In the past, he and Kelly would have shared a hug, in fact, the whole band would have been in on it. With arms around one another they’d have pressed their heads together, huddling in a little circle and just breathing in each other’s energy. Tonight, Kelly just looked outraged, like he had something he wanted to say to Aaron but couldn’t out of fear that Aaron would head out the backdoor instead of up onto the stage.

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