Page 44 of Broken Chorus

Even in the soft glow of the solar lights, Aaron could see the furious look on Kelly’s face. Throat tight, gut all twisted up in knots, Aaron figured the best thing he could do was leave. He sat up, fully intending to do just that, when Kelly reached for him. It barely took a heartbeat for him to make up his mind and grab Kelly’s hand. Kelly gave a gentle tug and Aaron plowed into him, bowling him over until they were both sprawled on the deck chair, Aaron laying on Kelly’s chest, face burrowed against his shoulder, trembling as he crushed the fabric of Kelly’s shirt in his fist and clung.

“I’ve known you most of your life,” Kelly said as he gently ran his fingers through Aaron’s hair. “Which is why I can say, with absolute certainty, that you’ve never been lazy. Lazy people don’t teach themselves to play an instrument. Lazy people don’t spend their summer vacations doing odd jobs for the neighbors just so they can contribute to a household where they were never made welcome. Lazy people don’t push for everything they create to be as perfect as they can make it, and lazy people sure as hell don’t buy crafting supplies for little kids that aren’t even their own just so they can give their buddy a little bit of time to himself. I just wish you’d stop viewing yourself through your grandparent’s eyes.”

Having Kelly pet his hair felt almost as good as when Hawk did it, but it didn’t have the same soothing effect on his temper.

“How can I not!” Aaron growled; voice half muffled against his shoulder.

“Because half the shit they said to you was because you wouldn’t conform to their way of thinking, not because you were actually doing something wrong! That’s emotional blackmail and you’re still letting them do it.”

“You don’t know what it’s like to keep losing people over and over again!” Aaron snapped. “Sometimes I wish I could have been what they wanted, ‘cause then I wouldn’t know what it waslike to lose my second family and everything that gave me a chance to actually matter!”

“Bullshit!” Kelly snapped, gripping Aaron’s hair to try and get him to focus and listen. “You matter whether you are playing music or not.”

“Now who’s speaking bullshit,” Aaron snapped, trying to pull away, but Kelly kept a firm hold of him until Aaron stopped squirming.

“If I stop playing, how long will it be before you stop speaking to me?” Aaron asked, clinging tighter and hating how pathetic and broken his voice sounded around the tears he couldn’t fully choke down. “How long will it take before you forget that I only live two floors down? How long before you hate me too?”

“Never! Shit. Aaron. Is that why you said yes to this new bend? Because you felt like if you didn’t, I’d kick you out of my life or something? That’s bullshit. I’d never do that to you.”

“Why not? Ethan has. Jason has. And Hawk is one step away from it. Everyone has something else, something better, like what we created together doesn’t even matter anymore. Well, it matters to me, and I can’t forget how good it was, even during the bad times. And maybe…maybe it feels like stepping into Hawk’s spot means letting go of all of that and I can’t Kelly. I don’t want to.”

“Or maybe you need to look at it as preserving a space where he can still create and have some form of the outlet he’s lost,” Kelly remarked, still gently stroking Aaron’s hair. “Maybe in all of that you’ll get to reclaim something you once loved that’s damn near been stomped out of you.”

“I never…”

“Yeah, you did. I remember the way you used to talk about choir practice. Your face would light up and you’d be so happy because you’d learned a new song or been given the chance to sing a solo.”

“’Cause it made them happy!” Aaron snapped. “Felt like that was the only time they were ever proud of me.”

“Well fuck them, they should have been proud about other things too!” Kelly snapped. “All that matters to me is that it made you happy! I don’t think you’d have looked at it the way you did if it was all for them. Face it, Aaron. Music, no matter the form, the genre, or where you performed it, has always been in your soul, and that is why Hawk keeps pushing you not to give up on it. It’s not because he doesn’t want you with him, it’s because he doesn’t want you to throw away something that makes you come alive.”

“It…”

“Shuddup and just listen. Just stop talking, goddammit and stop lying to yourself. You need it as much as you need him. I think you both need the new band too, but I also think it scares the shit out of you to be faced with Micah and Declan. Not only are they strangers, but I think you see in Micah someone who was raised in a very similar way that you were. I don’t think you know what to do with someone who might actually understand everything you dealt with and everything you lost in leaving the way you did, so you’re scared to fucking talk to him because if you do, I think you know that the floodgates will open the moment one of you says something to trigger the other. Honestly, it would probably be good for both of you with some of the things I’ve picked up on after conversations with Micah.”

“Then it’s a good thing he hates talking about that part of his life as much as I do.”

“Maybe. Or maybe the universe is looking for a way to make both of you stubborn bastards see that you need to purge this shit from your souls before it eats you alive. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you two connect on those instruments. Yeah, you might forget and accidently call him Ethan from time to time, but the way you vibe with him, that’s on a wholedifferent level from the way things were when you and Ethan played together. It always felt to me like there was some layer of competition there, like we were still back in the early says when you were going back and fourth between yourselves trying to work out who was going to play lead and who was gonna handle rhythm.”

“Yeah, but we figured it out.”

“Not without some animosity, or have you so easily forgotten the rather vicious pranks the two of you used to play on one another.”

“Ech.”

“No. Not Ech. Someone could have gotten hurt. I’m glad they didn’t, and I was always grateful as hell that we were able to work past it, but the tension there was very real and that didn’t just vanish into thin air. We worked hard for that. Now it seems like you want to look back on all the tense, unsteady moments we faced with rose colored glasses and pretend they didn’t exist. It takes work, effort, patience and trust to build a band, Aaron. We didn’t just come together seamlessly because we grew up together. Hell, sometimes it seemed like our fights weremorevicious because we knew each other so well. Can’t anyone push your buttons like someone who knows the bulk of your secrets.”

Aaron huffed, but he was relaxed and had totally gotten comfortable draped over Kelly, like back in the days when the five of them would have to sprawl like puppies to fit on two beds because they didn’t have the money for a second room.

“Families grow,” Kelly murmured, hugging Aaron to him. “They change, they evolve. People die, sometimes they divorce or move away. It’s all part of life. The band breaking up, that’s kind of like a divorce, ya know, but families grow too. New people join and it’s okay to embrace them. It’s not a betrayal of the ones who are gone to accept the ones who come along afterwards.”

“Even when it doesn’t even feel like a family anymore? Even if it feels like I’m floating in nothing?”

“Give it time, and for fuck’s sake, start talking to someone when you’re feeling that way. Me, Hawk, your sponsor, hell, talk to Kazzy if you fuckin’ have to. Put it into lyrics, even if you don’t want to share them, but you need to do something with the emotions you’ve been experiencing besides just bottling them up.”

“Better than lashing out.”

“True. But it still isn’t helping you any. Just like that bottle of Jack isn’t going to help you either. Are you ready for us to get rid of it?”

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