Page 24 of Fire Bound

Wordlessly, she turns around and spears me with a cold stare. “Nothing changes,” Remington repeats her earlier words, her tone lacking any semblance of emotion.

Remington pushes past me, the sound of her black heels clicking against the concrete echo through the alleyway.

My hand shoots out and wraps around her upper arm before she can get too far.

“Wait, Remi,” I plead. “You’re just going to walk away after that?”

She jerks her arm from my grasp and backs away from me. Remington eyes me up and down with cruel eyes before sneering, “You left me naked and heartbroken last time, it’s only fair I’m the one who gets to leave you now.” Her words have me freezing in place. “What was it you said last time?” Remington ponders this for a second as my stomach pools with dread. “Oh right! Now I remember.” She snaps her fingers. “This was nothing but a meaningless fuck—something to scratch the itch. It meant nothing to me.Youmean nothing to me.”

It physically hurt me to say those words to her. Never in my life have I felt more disgusted with myself than I did when I spewed them at Remington. I’ve done some horrific things while involved with Nicolai and Sterling, but what I did to Remington a year ago will be something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for.

I broke her heart after she laid it out bare for me. I’d stomped on it and then for good measure, spit on it too just to be sure she truly got the message. And while I did it, I felt a kind of pain I haven’t felt since I discovered my mother had been killed.

As much as it hurt me, I can’t take it back. After a year, nothing has changed. I’m still a danger to Remi and I don’t trust myself to truly be with her.

I like to think that I’ve figured out how to keep the side of myself that scares even me at bay, but I haven’t. Not really. All it would take is one wrong move before the beast in me is free, burning everything in its path. If that happens, Remi can’t be anywhere near me.

I wanted to believe that if I told her that she meant nothing to me that I would start to believe it myself, but I never did. Ten months I spent away from Remi while I was in hiding with Pruitt and not a day went by that I didn’t wish I could take back those words. That I could be with her.

Shaking my head slowly, I say, “I don’t think you mean that any more than I did.”

The only sign that she’s affected by what I say is by the sound of her heart’s quickening pace. Remi’s face remains impassive, and her eyes remain cold. “I guess we’ll never know,” she finally offers before turning on her heels.

This time when she leaves, I let her.

It’s been two days since I put my anger on pause and let Jax have his dirty, wicked way with me in that alley. For two days, I’ve smelled of him. No matter how many times I’ve scrubbed myself clean, his smoky, alluring scent clings to my skin—like it’s now part of me. It permanently marked me as his, which is something I’ll never be. He made that clear a year ago.

His scent was like a second skin on me the last time I let him touch me, but I don’t remember it lasting for days. Maybe the absolute hurt and rejection I was feeling masked it, but now I can’t get it to go away. Maybe it’s because deep down I’m not ready for it to be gone.

For the past six months, I’ve spent every second pushing him away and lashing out when he got too close. That whole time I felt dead. I couldn’t see the colors or feel the heat of the sun on my skin. I was simply going through the motions of living, but the other night when I allowed Jax to get close, I felt like I could breathe again. The blood in my veins that had been ice cold heated and I saw the colors again.

I really miss feeling alive, but how am I allowed to move forward in life when Gage can’t? I deprived him of the opportunity to live—to move forward. He’s now nothing but a memory in the heads of the people that cared for him.

A penance I will never be able to repay.

I push through the double doors of the bar, Elsie stumbling out behind me. The poor human can’t hold her liquor. To be fair, I’m also intoxicated, but I can at least walk in a straight line and touch my nose. This bitch doesn’t even know where her nose is right now.

When her ankle twists, I instinctively reach out and catch her before she can smack her face on the pavement. “Whoops!” She giggles as I bring her back to her feet. “It’s a good thing you’re so fast, I can’t afford a nose job right now.”

“Don’t you come from a family of doctors?” I loop my arm around her and lead her slowly toward the taxi we’d called for her.

“No, I said my dadmarrieda doctor,” she hiccups. “And I don’t think plastic surgery is her specialty—hey! You should come spend the night with me,we can order pizza and find a horrible reality TV show to watch.”

Her offer makes me long for my best friend. I miss Pruitt and miss when I felt like I could go to her about anything. She doesn’t have time for my problems anymore and she definitely doesn’t have time for such pointless activities such as watching mindless television with me. There was a time that I could show up at her house with a thing of cheap box wine and we’d sit in her bed, laughing and gossiping about nothing in particular. That was before she knew the truth of who she was and before she had all her responsibilities. She’s mated and has a baby on the way.

I laugh off her request while I awkwardly fumble with the door of the taxi. Elsie wraps her arms around my neck and clings to me as I try to shove her into the back seat. She chuckles and sways the whole time like she’s having the best time. Finally, I wrangle her into the car and strap her in with the seat belt.

Quickly, I rattle off the name of Elsie’s apartment to the driver,Jeanie. She’s a member of the pack, so I know she’ll get my friend back to her apartment safe.

I stand there until the taillights of the taxi disappear as I contemplate my next moves. The bar is still alive with music and people, beckoningmeback inside, but I’m tired. On top of Jax’s scent permeating my skin, he’s also found his way into my dreams. Instead of the nightmares I’ve had for months, Idreamedof the demon with the violet eyes. Idreamedof his touch and the way it eases the pain.

The pain he created.

It’s twisted that the architect of my pain is also the one who can heal it.

I have no idea what I was thinking letting him touch me again, I barely survived it last time.

Looking longingly at the door of the bar once more, I turn on my heels and make my way toward my car.

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