Page 35 of Fire Bound

“Not a fucking clue,” I confess. “I smelled a couple of the options and am now truly appalled that this is what we feed children.” Harvest squash and turkey?Child abuse.

Moving to another table, she gestures to the journal and bucket of pens.

“You write a note to the baby. Like a funny anecdote or some advice,” I answer her silent question. Winslow should be in here explaining all this to her, but she had to run to town to grab the cake. So, it’s now up to me to explain this weirdness.

Beau gives me a bland look. “Babies can’t read.”

“I’m aware.”

“Why would you write a baby a note if they can’t read it?”

Sometimes it’s hard being around people who were raised in a lab. They missed out on so much of the real world. They’re so good at so many things but are thrown for a loop so easily by everyday—normal—things. Isabeau would be more comfortable slicing someone into tiny bits than at this party.

“It’s for when they’re older, Beau,” I deadpan.

“Oh.”

Jesus Christ.

It’sa bad day when Isabeau has better socialization skills than you.

Rusty is putting it mildly. Pack members, some I haven’t seen in months, keep coming up to me, asking where I’ve been or how I’m holding up. They try to talk to me about Gage, to tell me about happy memories they have of the man who died, but with each passing interaction, I want to scream.

I’m trying to pretend or forget it ever happened, but apparently the rest of these people didn’t get the fucking memo.

A hand pats my arm in a way I’m guessing is supposed to be comforting, drawing my attention away from the piece of fuzz I’d been absentmindedly watching float through the air. Kody, one of the pack enforcers, stands in front of me with empathetic eyes. “How are you doing, kid?” Before I left the house and found the club, I used to frequent Kody’s bar. He was there at the beginning of my downfall. First row seat at my meltdown.

I don’t care how genuine his intentions are right now, I’m done having this conversation with people. I feel like a broken record.I’m fine. I’m doing as well as can be expected. I’m just dandy. I’m still breathing. Blah blah blah.“I appreciate your concern, but today is not about me. I know it’ll be hard because I’m a wildly popular person andclearlythe life of the party.” My voice drips with sarcasm. “But please, return your focus to the people and the child we’re here for.” I mimic the pat he gave me on his arm before pushing past him and disappearing out the back doors that lead to the back deck.

I take the steps down to the backyard two at a time as I put distance between myself and the party.

The secrets and shame I’ve been carrying for months are choking me as they force themselves back up. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, telling everyone what happened. The weight is becoming too heavy.

Slumping against a tree, I drop my head and try to collect myself.

My break from the party is short lived when footsteps approach. My first thought is Jax followed me out here. He hasn’t even been trying to pretend he’s not watching me today. I’ve just filled my lungs with air to scold him when I find it’s Pruitt. She looks pretty dressed in a pale blue dress and her white-blonde hair in a long braid over her shoulder. The glow of pregnancy means she requires very little makeup. Lucky bitch. I have a pound of concealer under my eyes right now to hide the hard wear and tear I’d put my body through as of late.

I stand there watching her in heavy silence for a minute before feeling my chest crack and my waning resolve fracture. “I’m happy for you.”

“What?” she asks, clearly caught off guard.

“I’m happy for you—I truly am. You and Ryker have beat every single one of the odds and together you’re living the best life. Well, if you ignore the impending doom of Sterling that is.” I add the last part quickly. “You deserve everything this world has to offer you. I’m happy for you, but in the same breath I am so incredibly jealous of you.”

Pru’s face drops.

“You have the perfect mate who literally worships the ground you walk on. You have the perfect house he built for you. And now you have, no doubt, the perfect baby on the way. I mean, there’s no way they won’t be perfect. They’ll have you and Ryker as their parents. That kid is going to be amazing.” My voice cracks as I say, “You have everything I didn’t know I wanted. I guess I didn’t know I wanted it until I learned I couldn’t have it. I’ve been sitting back watching you build this life and I’m cheering you on, but God, Pru, I’m jealous.”

“Remi…”

I push off the tree, standing up straighter. “And you know what? The house or kid thing? Those are things I could take or leave. I would live alone in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere if it meant I could be with the man I love. I’m more jealous that despite every single one of the hurdles Ryker and you were thrown, you were able to overcome each one of them. It didn’t matter how impossible it felt, you still fought for each other. You have a man that will fight for you and do anything to have you. Why can’t I have that?”

Pruitt wraps her arms around me before I can stop her. I’m not sure I would have had the mental energy to stop her if I tried. “Remington… I know you loved him.” My stomach rolls. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. I know you wanted to build a life with Gage, but he isn’t the only man out there for you. He wouldn’t want you to be miserable without him. You’re allowed to move on.” Her hands smooth down my hair. “He died knowing you loved him.”

That’s a lie. He died watching me save a man who broke me.

I choke on a sob before I admit something I never thought I would. “I wasn’t in love with Gage.” my voice is just barely a whisper, but I know she hears me because Pru pulls back so she can look at my face. “I thought it’d happen eventually, that if I just stuck it out, I’d fall for him. Iwantedto love him. It would have been so much easier if I did. We’d fall in love and the mating aura would appear, we’d settle down and things would work out.” The mating aura only appears when shifters truly allow themselves to fall in love. It won’t appear if one of the parties is holding back. Both of them have to be fully committed and deeply, irrevocably in love. “I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me that he loved me. He was just waiting for me to hand my heart over to him, but I couldn’t. I miss him and I’d give anything to give him back his life, but I didn’t love him.”

Pruitt wipes away the tear that falls down my cheek, her eyes full of sympathy. For the first time in six months, that look doesn’t make my skin crawl with unease. I’m pleasantly surprised how much lighter I feel being able to admit this to Pruitt. It’s lonely work keeping secrets.

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