Page 203 of Fated or Knot

“Sorry,” I murmured.

He waved me off. “Anticipation will make my moment with you sweeter.” The heat in his glowing gaze was full of promise. “Soon, love. Tell me the rest first.”

I nodded and told him about my midair dance with Kauz and our more introspective journey through Once Else. I’d learned about my birth mother’s past and finally seen my first metalarksin person. “Kauz painted my wings. The outside edges represent him, with the stars and mist. But the inside pattern is for me.”

“They’re gorgeous.” He traced one of the curling streaks of silver.

“He wants me to paint the rest of his wings once I feel confident enough in my hands,” I added with some nerves.

“Dreamlanders do tend to view their wings as a canvas to be filled. That’s an honor.” He topped up our glasses with more wine and toasted, “To be a swirl of ink on your skin.”

I drank to that with a giggle. He did the same, then hummed. “Though I would pick a more intimate location,” he added.

“You would,” I agreed. “Anyway, then Tormund arrived and stayed for the rest of our time in Once Else. I, uh, fixed his condition with his rage.”

“Don’t get shy on me now,mo stór.”

I flushed a bit more. “I took his huge knot and the fieriness of his full rage form without getting hurt. He’s stopped losing control after that.”

“Oh, good. I did feel guilty about that.”

“Why?”

He sighed, swirling his wine idly. “As a pack lead, I’ve learned that acting selfishly in pack matters sows strife. I wanted two things when we shared you: to knot you first, and to take my date with you last. But because I knotted you and Tormund didn’t, his rage started acting up and he didn’t consider trying it before you left for your date with Marius.”

I whined softly. “That’s not your fault.”

“Fault or not, hecouldhave knotted you first. But what’s done, is done.” He shrugged. “Then you returned home just long enough for my father to scare you off again, and went on a date with Tormund.”

I nodded and told him about it too. “Food, poetry, and the great outdoors. That’s my li’l brother,” he said, shaking his head.

“Yeah,” I said with a fond sigh. “But now I’m with you. And I think maybe your house moth got lost?” Dinner probably should’ve arrived by now.

“Oh, he’s just doing what I asked him to. Let’s talk about our date, actually. I thought I would have five days with you, but circumstances have narrowed that time down to a few hours. Your heat is imminent, and our pack is in rut in preparation of your needs.” He tilted his head back and forth, rattling his earrings. “However, I put my brothers before me for a reason.”

His tone had taken a serious turn. As I’d learned, when he stopped teasing and prodding, it was time to listen closely. “Marius needed you most. It was agonizing to watch him slowly forget who he used to be in favor of the angry, pessimistic, feral male you had the misfortune of meeting first. Now that he’s finally acknowledged you’re his fated mate, he’s found a reason to change and a new purpose to serve. You.” He gave my shoulders a squeeze. “Thank you. I used to fear I’d see his body return to the stars before he ever saw his thirtieth year.”

“It was my pleasure,” I murmured. I hoped we saw many years past his thirtieth, maybe even grow wrinkled and deaf together like the honored elders who ran the seaside inn.

He made a vague wave with his wineglass. “Anyway, you’re bonded to him forever, so you probably know all this already. Let’s talk about Kauz, who needed you nearly as much.” When I blinked in surprise, he winked. “It’s true. Don’t let his quiet and nerdly ways fool you. That’s a male who needed an Always and I doubt he even knows everything you’ve done for him.

“When all his various magical powers came to full strength, he went through the same training process all of the queen’s magicians go through. They walk the dreams and memories of the worst of society to see how their minds work. Kauz emerged from all that…different.” He sipped his wine with a hint of a troubled frown. “Eerily calm and composed. He was praisedfor it, but for a time as a teenaged lad, he didn’t seem to feel anything. He retreated from others and was awkward, like he couldn’t relate to anyone anymore. I was worried that Thalas had broken him.”

“Really?” I tried to compare that to the Kauz I knew. Calm, sure. But so incredibly perceptive and empathetic too.

“Really. After he joined the pack bond, I realized he felttoo muchfrom everyone around him. It was overwhelming, and he ended up suppressing himself to cope. He was trained to see intentions, and all he realized from it at first was that we all bear a burden of pain, worry, and loss. So, he started helping anywhere he could. He made Marius read books with happy endings. He taught me it was all right to be alone sometimes, and that silence is the space between bigger moments. And there are others, so many others, who have gotten a random act of Kauz help or wisdom out of the blue and gone ‘what the fuck?’ When it’s exactly what they need. Most would think, oh, he’s fine, then.”

He shook his head and met my anxious gaze. “But I hadn’t seen him express his own emotions in years, until we met you. More specifically, he went to bed with your mask in hand the night of the masquerade, walked in your dream, and raised his voiceat me the next day. Hedemandedthat we help you, else he was going to escort you to the sanctuary city you were dreaming of by himself. It was like he’d finally woken up from his ordeal as a kid. He’s been your champion from that moment on, arranging things for you when you couldn’t, and being your voice when you were forced to forget things.”

I thought back to what I’d seen of Kauz’s emotions when we’d first met. He’d gotten quite angry at Marius over the doormat comment. And, I think, he was happy to make me feel better about myself and give me the comfort I’d never had in Osme Fen. My heart grew lighter with relief. If he’d really been so flatbefore, I really had helped him, because I’d seen him feel every day since without losing his incredible empathy for others. “He’s the one who found and removed the silencing band. And he figured out what Cymora was doing to me.”

Fal rolled his eyes. “Okay, to be fair, weallnoticed the ‘yes, Stepmother’ thing. Kauz was just the first one to mention it while you were in the room. He also spent an extra few days in a recovery sleep after helping with your memories. He’s never gone that far for another. So, what I’m saying is, you’re bringing out the best in him. Thank you for giving his smile back.”

I had a tingle in my fingertips, as I had a feeling I knew where he was going with this conversation. “Also my pleasure,” I said with a zing of excitement in my belly.

“Which brings us to Tormund,” he said nearly playfully. “You have eyes, you’ve seen his struggle. Take the sweetest soul and shove it into a body built for war and you get Tormund, the least likely redcap you’ll meet. He’s terrified of being labeled as weak by his clan but…you know they know who he is, and have embraced it by now. Unlike the rest of us, he just needed a tweak. He’s still young, you know? Not enough time to figure himself out yet, but now he has the control he’s been looking for over his rage form. He’s going to be all right. I’m sure he’s already smothered you with appreciation, but thank you anyway. Now I’m never going to see him, because he’s going to be off gallivanting in the woods carefree.”

“Of course. And you could go gallivanting with him, you know.”

---