Page 14 of Gathered Sparkle

I stare down at Koen as he rests against me, his eyes closed, completely entranced.

I know I shouldn’t. I know I should be the bigger person, wake him up, and let this go. But the temptation to know what’s inside his guarded heart is too much to resist. He did this to me, after all—asked questions I wasn’t ready to ask myself.

Maybe it’s time I even the playing field.

My hand slightly trembles as I let my fingers slide through his hair, my other hand resting on his shoulder. He looks so vulnerable like this, leaning against me. I need to know if the barriers between us are as real as they seem or if they’re just things we both put up to protect ourselves from the weight of what’s been growing between us.

“Koen,” I start softly as I try to mimic his calm, hypnotic tone. “You’re safe, you feel good, and everything you say now will be the truth. Tell me about last night. Why did you reject me?”

“I care about you.” He shifts slightly against me, his brows furrowing. “More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long time. I didn’t want our first time to happen like that.”

His answer surprises me. “That’s the reason?”

“I’m still figuring this out. My feelings, the situation with Sylus. I don’t have all the answers… and I can’t make promises I’m not ready to keep yet.”

“You’re right. There’s Sylus,” I press. “And you know now I won’t choose. Does that bother you?”

“Yes…” he admits, then pauses, “… and no.”

“What does that mean?” I breathe, my heart clenching at the thought of how tangled everything is between us.

He lets out a slow sigh, his head slightly shifting as he leans deeper into me. “I can deal with it if it’s the only way to have you.”

My breath catches at the quiet vulnerability in his words. “So you want me?”

“Yes,” he admits. “I want you, and I want to be here with you. That’s something I can promise.”

“But you’re not ready?” I ask, needing to understand his hesitation, the wall that keeps us from fully crossing the line.

It’s probably not the same reason that keeps me back.

“I’ve been burned. But my next relationship will be my last,” he promises. “I’m not worried… I’m not rushing. I want this loveto find me, want me, need me, and love me in slow motion. We have forever to go.”

His words settle over me, and the knot inside my chest loosens a little.

He’s scared, just like I am.

This tells me a lot, but it’s not enough to not feel embarrassed anymore. And I can’t have this imbalance between us if we need to trust each other.

“Tell me something no one else knows.”

Koen’s brow furrows, a flicker of pain crossing his face, and I wonder if I’ve pushed too far, but then he speaks. “Everyone around me dies.” There’s a rawness in his voice that makes my heart ache. “I’ve made keeping Levi safe my top priority since we were fifteen… then the others. And now… now you’re so high on that list it terrifies me.”

The fear, the burden, it feels so painfully familiar. I swallow hard. “I know what that’s like. Everyone around me dies, too,” I admit, the words slipping out. “It feels… like I’m cursed. Like everything I touch falls apart.”

“You’re not cursed, precious.”

I smile, looking down at him. Even in a trance, he’s the one who reassures me.

“Neither are you, Koen. But God, it feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it?”

He shifts against me, his eyes slightly fluttering as if he’s caught between the trance and waking. “Yeah.”

I press a kiss to the top of his head. “You deserve to feel safe too.”And I ruined that tonight.“Wake up.”

Koen’s eyes open, slowly blinking as he adjusts to the dim light. He looks disoriented for a moment, his gaze unfocused as his eyes find mine, and he blinks again.

“Fuck,” he mutters, still caught between the trance and waking. “I never have been the one going under.”

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