Page 178 of Scattered Glitter

I suck in a breath, then another, trying to steady the whirlwind inside me. The sunlight doesn’t hurt. The open air doesn’t swallow me whole. It’s just warmth. Just light.

I look up at Koen standing just a step ahead of me. “You’re doing it.”

I don’t know what compels me to take another step, but I do. My foot crosses fully into the light, and then the other follows. I’m standing outside. Not far, but enough to feel the breeze on my face.

“Just sit with it.” Koen steps aside, giving me space but staying close enough that I can feel his presence. “Feel it. You’re not in danger. Nothing bad is happening. It’s just you and the sunlight. The air. The sound of the birds.”

I close my eyes for a moment, letting his words sink in. The anxiety doesn’t disappear. It’s still there, coiled tight in my chest, but it doesn’t feel as suffocating. The warmth of the sun, the subtle scent of the outdoors, the distant chirping, they’re small, simple things, but they anchor me.

When I open my eyes, Koen is sitting on the porch steps, his posture relaxed as he watches me.

I hesitate, my body still trembling slightly, but after a long moment, I lower myself onto the step beside him and feel how warm the stone is under my palms. “You’re right,” I murmur, my voice hoarse. “Sitting with it… it helps.”

Koen nods, a small smile tugging at his lips. “If you want to confront this, you have to keep doing things that scare you. Sit with them long enough until you see they don’t hurt you.”

I glance down at Jinx, who’s now next to me and has rolled onto her side, soaking up the warmth like she’s completely at peace. My hand finds its way to her fur, stroking absently as my mind pulls me in two directions.

I missed this—the sun, the air, the world outside these walls. But at the same time, I dread it—the openness, the vulnerability. I’ve been locked away for so long it’s like the world out there has grown bigger and scarier, and I’ve grown smaller.

“I hate this,” I mutter, more to myself than Koen.

“I know,” he just states. “That’s why it matters.”

I keep petting Jinx, grounding myself in the softness of her fur and letting my thoughts spiral. I think about why I’m even trying. Why am I here instead of retreating back to the safety of my room like I did yesterday?

And I don’t have to think about it long. It’s because ofher.She dared me to come out and play. And isn’t that what I did once before? For someone else?

Oscar flashes through my mind, his wide grin, the way he’d nudge me forward with that effortless confidence. He was the one who made me brave, who pulled me out of my comfort zone and showed me that the world wasn’t always something to fear.

And maybe it’s pathetic that I needed him for that. Maybe the Alaric I was before prison would laugh at what I’ve become. But was it really so bad, needing someone to show me how good life could be if I were brave enough to face it?

I swallow hard. “I want to be normal.”

Koen doesn’t say anything. He stays where he is, letting me have the space to figure out my next move.

Normal.What a ridiculous word. But I want it. I want to be able to walk through a door without feeling like my lungs are going to collapse. To go to a fucking ball. To sit in the sunlight and not feel like I’m being suffocated by my fear.

For her. Even if it’s wrong. Even if I shouldn’t need someone else as my reason to get over this.

But it’s not just her. It’s me too.

I can admit I’ve been through shit and not strong enough to do this on my own.

Not strong enoughyet.

I think about how close I was before Oscar died. HowI’d started to believe I could stand on my own, live on my terms. Then his death threw me right back to the place I started.

And now? Maybe she’s the catalyst this time. But I want to be able to do it for myself. To be strong enough not to need someone else to drag me out of the darkness.

“Koen,” I say after a long pause.

“Yeah?”

“I think…” I hesitate, the words sticking in my throat. “I think I need help. Real help. Someone who can handle this.” His brow furrows slightly, but there’s no judgment in his gaze, only concern. “I can’t keep putting this on you. Or Sylus.”Or her.I glance down at Jinx now purring softly under my hand. “Oscar wanted to be that person for me. He was okay with it. But I can’t ask that of you. It’s too much. And it’s not fair.”

“You’re not a burden, Ric. None of us see you that way.”

I force a bitter laugh. “Maybe not now. But if I keep leaning on you guys for every little thing? That’ll change. And I’m not willing to risk that.”

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