Page 46 of Fast

“So this is how it is.” Heather’s tone is bitter. “You’re going to let him pretend I don’t exist, or treat me like shit.”

A look passes between Chance and Lev, but neither of them utters one single word.

“I’m talking to you, Chance. Are you seriously going to ignore me?”

Chance jumps out of the way when she touches his biceps, as if her touch burned him. “What do you want me to do, Heather? I can’t force him to hang out with you. I can barely get him to hang out with us.”

Heather’s voice breaks, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. “I thought we were friends. I’ve known you guys my entire life, and now I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. Why do you and Ares hate me?”

Chance’s expression softens, but he takes a step back when Heather tries to lean in for a hug. “We don’t hate you, Heather. Things are different now. We don’t even know what our new normal is yet. It has nothing to do with you. You just have to be patient or accept it, and move on.”

A tear slides down Heather’s face. “You’re lying. If what you say was true, you would have invited me to hang out with you this morning. Instead, no one told me about Zara. And I had to find out you were spending the day on the beach by spying on you from my window.”

Chance recoils at her accusation, as if he had been slapped. “You’re taking this too personally, Heath. Dad and Kelly were supposed to be here, but they had to work. We were as surprised as you were when we saw Zara. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. Just give us a second to think about calling you.”

She stops crying, but isn’t completely appeased. “I want to believe you, Chance. So if what you say is true, you won’t mind if I stay, right?”

Lev intervenes, acting as peacemaker. “Of course. Look, I brought a frisbee. Why don’t we throw it around?”

I nod, showing way more enthusiasm than I really feel. “That sounds fun. Let’s play.”

CHANCE

Lev is a fucking life saver.

When a girl starts crying, I fucking freeze. Especially when I feel responsible for her tears, at least in part.

Heather is right. We’ve known each other forever, and she’s been a part of our family since I can remember.

When my mom got sick and Dad was taking her to the hospital for treatment, her parents stepped in.

Kirk and Diane were always like substitute parents to me and my brothers. Back then, they tried to disguise the nights there as fun sleepovers. I guess I was too young to understand the truth, but I knew something was wrong because Atlas and Ares looked sad despite the pillow forts, the bedtime stories and the late night popcorn and movies if it wasn’t a school night.

Heather was always there, running around with us. She climbed trees; she came snorkeling and looking for treasure on the beach. She wanted her turn riding our dirt bikes.

When she and Atlas began dating, it felt natural. My brother was sure she was the one, and I’ve always thought that one day she would be my sister, not only in name.

Since that day at the racetrack, things have changed. The only thing that I suddenly had in common with Heather was the huge loss. When I saw her, I was always reminded of Atlas.

I think Ares might have been feeling the same way, because he distanced himself from her even before he started pulling away from me and Dad.

It’s unfair, I know that. To Heather, holding onto us is a way to keep Atlas’s memory alive; to us, seeing her is just another reminder that we can never have our brother back.

That isn’t the only reason I’ve been avoiding her, though.

There was a moment last year when I thought that maybe Heather was right; that holding onto each other might be a way to cope with our common loss. We got closer for a while and we made a mistake I’m not proud of. She thought that Atlas would have wanted to see us finding comfort in each other.

I felt like I betrayed my brother twice. Once by not taking his offer to race in his place that day, and a second time by sleeping with his girlfriend.

Lev is the only one who knows.

He thinks that I have to quit feeling guilty. He says that I’m not going to bring my brother back by beating myself up, thinking it should have been me on that bike that day; and that, while sleeping with Heather isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism, if I don’t have romantic feelings for her, it isn’t a betrayal.

On a rational level, I know he’s right. Atlas is dead. It sounds horrible in its finality, but my brother is gone and Heather should be free to move on.

But that isn’t the way it feels deep down. I tried to be mature about this and I admitted to her that I didn’t sleep with her for the right reasons. I love Heather like a friend, almost like the sister she never got to become. I love her as my brother’s girlfriend, not as someone I would ever see myself with in a non platonic way.

She said she understood. But I saw the sadness in her eyes. I see the disappointment every time we see each other. It feels as if she’s waiting for me to change my mind. I know that will never happen, so I’ve been putting distance between us.

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