Page 66 of Make Your Save

“It will be okay,” Hadley tells me, reaching for my hand as she gives me a gentle squeeze. I glance down at her standing beside me outside of the shop as her other hand rests on the handle of the stroller. We decided to come into the city together and she’s going to check out some of the stores in the strip while I meet up with mybrother. “If you need anything or if you’re ready to go, all you have to do is call me.”

I stare at her for a moment, and instinctively lean forward, my lips meeting her forehead. “Thank you.”

Hadley gives me a smile, then I watch her for a moment as she turns away, pushing my daughter down the sidewalk before disappearing into a store. An exaggerated sigh leaves me and I head into the coffee shop, the aroma of beans wrapping around me as I pause just inside. My eyes survey the small space, eventually landing on my brother sitting in the corner with a mug between his hands.

Not bothering to order my own drink, I head directly to him, taking in his appearance before I sit down. He looks good—better than I last saw him. His eyes are brighter, his skin clearer, and his hair is styled. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, looking completely normal, yet in a better state than before.

“Hey, Rowan,” he says, a soft smile lifting his lips as he looks up at me. I slowly sit down, bobbing my head at him in response as I watch his brow furrow. “Did you want a coffee or anything?”

“I’m good,” I tell him in a clipped tone.

His mouth corkscrews and he stares at me for a second before smiling. “Thank you for agreeing to meet up with me. I know I should have called you sooner to talk about things, but it was something I was having a hard time bringing myself to do.” He pauses, his eyes searching mine. “It just felt like it was a conversation that needed to be had in person instead.”

I swallow before running my tongue over my teeth.My spine is rigid, my body on high alert, and I know I’m giving off aggressive vibes just from the way I’m staring at him. Rolling my shoulders, I force myself to relax in my seat. A conversation like this is completely uncomfortable but sometimes the only way to get over something is to rip off the Band-Aid.

“I agree,” I say, leaning back in my seat as I let my hands rest in my lap. “I will be honest, I didn’t want to talk to you, and I’m still not sure I do. With that said, I’m willing to hear whatever it is you feel you need to say.”

Beau purses his lips and irritation passes through his stare before it vanishes. “I appreciate that.” I’m shocked to see him let it go instead of harnessing it. “Well, I will just get straight to the point. I owe you an apology for the way I’ve treated you in the past. I know I was not a good brother to you and I took advantage of every single person in our family. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and one of my biggest regrets will always be the wedge I drove between the two of us.

“I always looked up to you and am so proud of everything you’ve accomplished and where you are in life. There was a part of me, when I was in the thick of my struggles, that was jealous and envious of you. I wanted what you had. I wanted the praise and the recognition, but I didn’t see myself as worthy. I was a piece of shit and all I did was hurt everyone around us. I never felt deserving and I hated that you were.”

He pauses, taking a sip of his drink as I watch him carefully. He looks healthy and the way he’s speaking has me off guard. These are words I never expected tohear from my brother—not from someone who has always lived in defense mode, ready to strike like a snake.

“I know saying sorry will never make up for the things I’ve done or the things I’ve said. I just wanted you to know that I take full responsibility for it all and I’m sorry for ruining our relationship. I’m sorry for the things I did to Mom and Dad and for you having to witness it all. I can’t take it back but I can move forward and I hope that one day, maybe we can have a new relationship, something healthy and better than what we had before.”

I stare at my brother, unsure of what to say. I’m torn between wanting to forgive him and wanting to remind him of every bad fucking thing he did in life. Hadley’s voice slips into my mind, a sound of comfort and the voice of reason.

“You owe yourself the chance to forgive him for your own sense of peace.”

“A lot of things have been done in the past and talking about them isn’t going to change anything that has already happened,” I start, my voice trailing off as I lean forward, folding my arms on the table. “It’s hard for me to expect that things will be any different with you going forward, but it isn’t fair to anticipate the worst. I want nothing but the best for you, Beau. That’s all I ever wanted, but you pushed me so fucking far away.”

I let out a deep breath, the uncomfortable feelings from our past resurfacing. “I don’t know what a relationship between us will look like now, but I’m willingto try. I’m willing to forgive you and give you another chance.”

Beau‘s expression softens, his eyes damp as he stares at me from across the table. His eyes do a brief search of my own, almost as if he’s looking for some kind of lie or a but. A few moments pass between us before he speaks again. “I am sorry. You never deserved the way I treated you in the past and I just want to be a better brother to you.”

“Well, all we can do is learn from our mistakes and grow from them.”

A gentle smile lifts his lips. “You’re so right. I’ve learned so much since entering rehab and finally getting my bipolar disorder under control. I’ve been able to process and see clearer and see past myself.”

“I’m happy for you,” I tell him with nothing but honesty. I may not have been there for him this past year, or past few years for that matter, but I am genuinely happy for him. My brother can be a fucking monster and a prick, but I know deep down inside, there’s more to him. That younger version of him who thought I was his best friend is still there.

“You’ve just always fought against everyone and you were literally your own worst enemy.” I let out a breath, letting it go instead of throwing it all in his face. Even from this small interaction, I see a change in him. It’s a noticeable difference and I find myself feeling proud of him actually following through on getting his shit together.

There’s a sense of relief and that peace Hadley spoke about as I reach inside my heart and find the forgivenesshe needs. I can’t continue to hold on to the negative feelings I’ve had for him. The last thing I want to do is contribute to why he doesn’t find his way in life.

“I forgive you. There are no hard feelings from me or between us, okay?”

He’s silent for a moment before he tips his chin. “Okay. Thank you, Rowan.” He swallows roughly. “I want to apologize to Hadley...if she’ll talk to me.”

My breathing ceases and the thought feels like a thorn in my side. I may forgive him for the things he did to me and our family, but Hadley is a sore fucking subject. The last thing he needs to do is open any of her wounds.

“Mom mentioned to me the two of you are engaged and she told me about Lucy,” he admits, lifting his mug to take a sip of his coffee. “I’m not mad or upset with you,” he adds, an apologetic smile on his face. “I never should have dragged Hadley into my shitstorm of a life and I was never fair to her. I didn’t treat her the way I should have, but I know you’re good for her. You’re everything she deserves.”

Words fail me as I stare directly into my brother’s eyes. I didn’t give a shit what his thoughts would be on the matter, especially after the way he ended things with her. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised at the way he speaks matter-of-factly and with such resignation and peace.

“You’re right. You never should have pulled her into any of your mess.” I shake my head at him, biting back the anger that licks my veins. “You treated her like dog shit and she never deserved any of that.”

“I know,” he says quietly, his head hanging in defeat before he picks it back up and stares at me head-on. “I’m happy that she has you, but I would still like to apologize to her if she is okay with that.” He pauses, his eyes bright. “And maybe one day, I can meet my niece too.”

---