Page 20 of Make Your Save

“It’s a match.”

I stare down at Hadley’s phone sitting on the counter, half expecting it to burst into flames. My heart crawls into my throat, the silence stretching between us as I hear the sound of blood rushing through my veins. The simple sentence Cole just spoke feels like concrete layering on my chest.

“Rowan . . .”

My eyes immediately flash to Hadley’s. The walls feel like they’re beginning to close in on me, my chest constricting as my mouth goes dry. “I—” I start, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth as if it’s made of cotton. Pushing my palms against the edge of the counter, the feet of my chair scrape against the floor as I get up in a rush. “I’ll be right back. I just need a minute.”

Her throat bobs as she swallows roughly, her eyes bouncing back and forth between mine. “Okay.”

Her friend’s voice comes through the phone speaker,but I don’t hear a single word he says as I spin on my heel and make a beeline directly for the back door. My feet don’t stop moving until I’m standing on the edge of my deck, staring out into the darkness of the night. The cool air around me burns my lungs as I inhale deeply, attempting to get my breathing under control before I spiral into a full-on anxiety attack.

My knees half buckle as I begin to bend, my senses kicking into overdrive as I drop down onto my bottom. Leaning my forearms against the sides of my knees, I drop my face into my hands, squeezing my eyes shut as I attempt to fight off the panic welling inside.

Everything is going to be okay. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for the past couple days. Being a father isn’t the end of the world.

Or is it?

Fuck . . .

I don’t know how to be a dad. I don’t know how to take care of a baby, or even another fucking person, for that matter. Hell, sometimes I don’t know how I’m even capable of taking care of myself. Lucy is going to grow up in a house with one parent, a father who is gone for days at a time sometimes because of work.

She doesn’t deserve this. This isn’t the life she should have.

She deserves a loving family with parents who are there for her, parents who are there to raise her instead of having a demanding job that takes up so much of their time. Selena thought she was doing a good job by handing Lucy over to me, but I think she fucked up.

“Rowan.” Hadley’s voice is soft and warm, thetender sound moving against my eardrums as she enters my space. “Are you okay?”

I let out a breath, not bothering to lift my head as I cradle it in my hands. “I don’t think I can do this.”

She’s quiet for a beat, the silence encapsulating the two of us. Time stretches and I slowly lift my head, not sure if she’s still sitting there. I find her next to me, staring out at the backyard. I study the side profile of her face, my eyes traveling along her jaw and up over her high cheekbones, connecting the freckles that cover the bridge of her straight nose like constellations.

Hadley turns her head to look at me, her bright eyes free of any judgement. “You don’t have to, Rowan.” She blinks, her expression softening. “There are always other options.”

I stare back at her, completely caught off guard by her response. There’s zero judgment from her, only support and solutions. She doesn’t look at me as if I’m some monster for being completely honest with her in this moment. Hues of brown and green swirl in her irises under the moonlight and I watch the way they melt together.

“I don’t know if I can do that either.”

The thought of handing my daughter over to someone else also makes me extremely uncomfortable. My daughter. I didn’t know she existed until a couple days ago and while this has all been a mindfuck of epic proportions, I’m struggling to evaluate the situation from a neutral standpoint. I’m letting my emotions get too involved and that isn’t going to be helpful for anyone.

“What can I do to help you? How can we navigate this to figure out what is going to be the best option for you, but also the best option for Lucy?”

My eyes slowly search hers as if I’m looking for the answers to all my problems. “I like facts. I like logic. I like concrete evidence that can help me see clearly.”

She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth as if she’s chewing on my words. She bobs her head, her eyes never leaving me. “Should we make a list of pros and cons?”

“No,” I tell her, shaking my head. “I think that will end up dragging emotions into this, and that’s something I can’t do right now. I need it to just be clear-cut.”

“Nothing about this is black and white, Rowan,” she says softly, her voice a gentle caress. “It can be a gray area.”

I shake my head again. “No. I need this to be black and white.”

“Okay...” She pauses, her gaze abandoning me as she laces her fingers together, staring down at her hands. She lets out a breath before looking back at me. “Let’s just talk this all through then. No emotions, just facts.”

Okay,” I agree, sucking in a deep breath to collect myself as I dip my chin. “The facts. I’m her biological father. I have money, I have a career that pays well, I have a home, I have all of the means to provide for a child.”

She tilts her head to the side, her forehead creasing slightly. “Yes, you do.”

“I also have a demanding career that takes up alarge chunk of my time. I have a strict schedule that I have to be able to follow, and this isn’t something I will be able to do myself. I need some kind of help and I’m not sure where that would come from.”

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