Page 11 of Make Your Save

“No, Rowan,” she says, shaking her head as she lifts Lucy from the car seat. Her soft hazel eyes meet mine and she pushes a stray hair away from her face. “I’m not going to just throw you to the wolves.”

My lips crinkle as she uses the same phrase I used earlier. Nodding at her, I leave her in the living room with the baby as I head out into the garage. As soon as I step away from them, my mind is on a rampage, moving a million miles a second. I’m still in a state of disbelief, almost as if this can’t possibly be my life.

I don’t want kids. I’ve never wanted kids. When I fucked Selena, it obviously wasn’t with the intention of getting her pregnant. Hell, I never even got her number, so clearly it was never supposed to go past that night.

But then again, I feel like a fucking asshole. I can’t imagine what she must have been going through the last ten months. She clearly has her own issues and it’s most likely best if she doesn’t have to be responsible for a child, but what the fuck?

I have an entire fucking hockey career. There are weeks at a time when I’m not even here.

What the hell am I going to do with an infant that needs me?

Grabbing the bassinet, I leave it just inside the house before moving back to the trunk. Nova gave me some essential things to use for now, but not the necessities we need like formula and diapers. I don’t even know what the hell else a baby needs, so I’m going to have to figure all of that out too.

Honestly, I’m not mad at Hadley. How could I possibly be angry with someone like her? Hadley is a gentle soul and she’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. There isn’t a single mean bone in her body. I’ve always admired her strength and her ability to find the good in the bad.

However, on the other hand, I wouldn’t be in this situation if she wouldn’t have told me about the baby. It’s conflicting, almost too conflicting for my brain to sift through the bullshit.

I don’t want a baby, but I don’t like the thought of my daughter growing up with a different family either. I’m not comfortable with the thought of someone else raising her. Who’s to know what kind of house she would end up living in? What kind of life would she have? Would she be fucked up just from the knowledge of her parents not wanting her?

I head back into the house, grabbing the bassinet as I head into the living room. It’s some kind of a portable one that Nova said to use temporarily, but I will have to get her a crib at some point. I’m going to have to turn one of my guest rooms into a whole-ass nursery.

My head fucking hurts.

Hadley slowly lowers her into the bassinet after I have it set up and she moves over to the diaper bag,pulling various things from inside. Things that I don’t even know what their purpose is. I’m standing close enough to smell the faint hint of her—vanilla and berries.

“I’m going to make a list of necessities and things we need to get,” she explains as she stacks two cans of formula on the coffee table. “Everything her mom left should get us through the next day or two.” Hadley stands upright, glancing at me as her eyes scan my face. “Why don’t you go get some rest? I’ve got her for the night.”

“I don’t know if I can sleep right now,” I admit, my voice barely audible as I’m cemented in place. “I just—” I pause, letting out a deep breath, realizing I’m standing closer to Hadley than I thought, staring into the depths of her eyes. There’s almost a halo of gold around her pupils. “Are you okay with her if I go for a run?”

“Of course,” she tells me softly, a tender smile on her lips. My mind memorizes the freckles spread across the bridge of her nose, dispersing across the tops of her cheeks. “I’m here for whatever you need, Rowan. Anything you need.”

Relief floods me, although it doesn’t come close to washing away the anxiety inside of me. My gaze travels down her body, taking in the appearance of her blue scrubs. Her car is still at the hospital and she doesn’t have a single thing with her, yet she plans on staying here tonight anyway.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell her, not offering another explanation as I disappear from the living room, leaving her confused. I head up to the second floor and into myroom before rifling through my drawers. I find her a pair of sweatpants and grab a t-shirt from my closet before stopping in the bathroom for a spare toothbrush and toothpaste.

Hadley’s moving the other things we got from Nova into the living room when I walk back into the room. “What’s all that?” she questions me as I set the small pile of clothing and stuff on the couch.

“I figured you might want to change out of your scrubs,” I tell her, watching as she walks over to grab them. “There’s a toothbrush too.”

“Thanks, Rowan.” She dips her head, reaching out to grab my forearm and give me a gentle squeeze. Her palm is soft and warm against my flesh, sending a spark of electricity up my arm. “Go clear your head so you can get some rest. I’m off tomorrow, so we can figure things out whenever you have time.”

Her hand lingers and as soon as she lifts it away, I want her to put it back.

The muscle in my jaw tightens, my chest constricting as I attempt to suck in a breath. “Okay.”

My sneakers pound on the concrete as I inhale through my nose, exhaling through my mouth. My brain feels a little quieter than it did when I started and I’ve been running for a solid twenty minutes now, essentially just doing laps around the neighborhood.

As much as I wanted to head out into my shed and take a few hits of that joint Carson gave me last week,this seemed like the healthier alternative. It would have taken the edge off, but what if it would have made me even worse anxiety-wise, considering the fact that there’s a damn baby under my care now.

I need Hadley to talk to her friend about this paternity test. There are too many things hanging in the balance right now. If Lucy isn’t my daughter, I honestly don’t know if I am going to want Hadley to drop her off somewhere else. Mentally, that thought is harder to stomach than the thought of raising her—even if I have no idea how the fuck I’m going to do this.

There’s an overwhelming amount of guilt hanging over me at the thought of willingly handing her over to be thrown into the foster system. We’ve all heard of those horror stories...

I’m finishing up my last lap, heading back to my house, when I start to slow down. My heart pounds quickly in my chest, my lungs screaming for oxygen as I jog for a bit. At this hour, this was probably dumb as fuck to do. I’m pushing my body when I should be resting it, especially before our game.

Coach Landry and Coach Watson are both going to be pissed if I don’t perform well.

It’s a good five minutes of cooling down before I’m stepping back onto my own property. The light is still on in the living room, along with the one shining on the porch. Hadley may have been the one to spring all of this on me, but at the end of the day, this isn’t her fault. She’s not the one who made a mistake and potentially got some random girl pregnant.

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