Page 21 of Atlas Uncharted

Chapter 12

Atlas

The shop was everything you’d expect from New York’s upper-crust establishments—polished floors, pristine white walls, and an air of exclusivity that you could feel the moment you walked in. I sat at the end of a long table, surrounded by plates filled with slices of wedding cake, but all I could think about was Kairi.

Three weeks. That’s how long it had been since I’d seen her—since she stood in her apartment and told me we were nothing more than acquaintances. That word had echoed in my head like a fucking curse, pissing me off more every time it replayed. I knew she felt what I felt. You don’t kiss someone like that if you don’t. She kissed me like she was starving for it as much as I was.

My mother was droning on about buttercream versus fondant, and Ashlen was trying to get me to taste some overly sweet cakes that were too decadent and made my stomach hurt. I could hear their voices, but none of it registered. I was too lost in my own thoughts.

It wasn’t until Ashlen mentioned Kairi’s name that I focused in on the conversation.

“She declined being in the wedding party,” Ashlen said, waving it off like it was nothing, like it didn’t matter that the person she called her best friend wasn’t coming, that the one person I actually gave a shit about wouldn’t be there.

My mother chimed in, her tone dismissive as always. “That’s okay, she doesn’t fit the aesthetic anyway. The bridesmaids' dresses are being flown in from a designer in Paris. I would have been embarrassed to ask him to make a dress in a size twelve.” She turned up her nose.

Ashlen laughed, and something inside me broke.

“Isn’t she supposed to be your friend?” I said, my voice not as sharp as I wanted it to be. “Why aren’t you sticking up for her? You never do.”

Ashlen rolled her eyes, her tone condescending. “You always felt like you needed to defend her so she wouldn’t see you as one of those privileged white men she’s always ranting about. It’s ridiculous, really.” She laughed again, and it took everything in me not to lose my shit right there.

I stood up, pushing the chair back. “You know what’s ridiculous?” I spat. “The fact that you think this is okay. That you think it’s fine to laugh at her, to belittle her. You always did, and then you smile in her face. What kind of person does that make you?”

Ashlen’s laughter died in her throat, replaced by a look of confusion. “Atlas, what the hell is your problem?” she asked.

I didn’t answer. I just turned and walked toward the door, ignoring Ashlen’s voice calling my name. My mother tried to excuse my behavior with, “Let him go; he’s having a hard time with the board members.”

I stepped out into the street, the acrid scent of the city hitting me like a slap in the face. New York stank. I hated it, but I had business there, and Ashlen decided to tag along to spend more money she wasn’t making. I unbuttoned my sleeves, rolling them up my arms, the fabric feeling too tight, too constrictingsuddenly. My tie was next. I yanked it off and stuffed it into my pocket. The jacket came off last, and I left it draped across the subway stair railing as I descended into the underground.

I knew where I was going, even if I didn’t have a plan. My mind was set on Kairi, on confronting her, making her see what we could have—what was real. I wasn’t stupid. I knew that article she wrote was about me, just like I knew the poems she’d published in other places were about us. I read that she had a book coming out about two people who found love in college and let it go until they both were nearly broken. She could pretend all she wanted, but I saw through her lies.

“I’d say fuck it all for her,” I muttered to myself as the train rumbled beneath the city. I was feeling disillusioned, disenfranchised with life—whatever word fit the bill. All I knew was that nothing mattered right now. I think she could make my life matter.

When I finally reached her apartment, I took the three flights of stairs two at a time, my heart pounding, my mind racing with what I would say, how I would make her understand. I knocked on the door, hearing the faint sound of her moving around inside. She was there. I could feel her, even if I couldn’t see her. I knew she was standing just on the other side, peeking out the peephole, debating whether to let me in.

“Please, Kairi,” I whispered, barely holding it together. I knocked harder in desperation, my need threatening to push me over the edge. I was on the brink, teetering between demanding she let me in and breaking down the fucking door.

Silence.

I knocked again, harder this time, feeling my desperation clawing at my chest. “I know you’re there. I can hear you. Just… just let me in. Please.”

Still nothing.

I pressed my forehead against the door, my breath coming in ragged gasps. “I can’t do this without you. I can’t pretend anymore. You can’t hide from this, Kairi. You can’t hide from me.”

I heard a soft “no” through the door.

“Don’t do this,” I begged, my voice breaking. “Don’t shut me out. I’ll give it all up—Ashlen, the company, everything. Just let me in. Let me prove it to you.”

I knocked again, my fist slamming against the wood. “Please. I’m begging you.”

But there was only silence.

I stood there, my chest heaving, my mind spinning. I wanted to scream, to break the door down, to make her see that this wasn’t just some fleeting thing. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t force her to want me, no matter how much I wanted her. “Please. I’m begging you. I don’t deserve you, but please… give me a chance to try.”

Another soft “no.” Something in me crumbled. I knocked again, harder this time. After standing there for about thirty minutes, I realized she wasn’t going to let me in.

Even then, I stood there longer, breathing hard, my mind spinning with everything I wanted to say, everything I wanted to do. But I couldn’t force her, couldn’t make her want what I wanted. With a sinking heart, I turned and walked away, leaving a piece of myself behind with every step.

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