Page 77 of Luka

It felt like a daily taunt.See? See how right our parents were in choosingme?

There were days where I wished we’d get invaded. Days where I fantasized about her death. She’s right to not feel loved, especially by me. I always saw her as pathetic for trying.

But not right now. Right now, I feel remorse. I feel like a moron.

“I want that too,” I say, my voice low with defeat. “I wish it wasn’t too late.”

“What do you mean?”

Mila’s voice is just a little too loud, causing Leo to stir awake. And it’s just as well. In fact, it’s perfect timing.

I climb to my feet before giving my sister one last parting glance. “You’ll see.”

Leo narrows his eyes as I sit on the edge of his bed. Unlike Mila, he isn’t happy to see me.

“Hey,” I say. “How are you feeling?”

“Took too many goddamn sleeping pills, and they forced me to come here.” He huffs like he’s angry, but shame contorts his face. He doesn’t meet my eyes.

“Leo, there’s something I have to tell you.”

I lower my eyes to the IV in his wrist, my ears tuning into the beeping monitor at his side. If it was my heartbeat it was hooked up to, I imagine it’d be setting off alarms.

“Do you remember when we were kids, Fyodor and Aly used to go on and on and on about shit likehonorandintegrity…loyaltyat all costs?”

He’s nodding when I look up.

“We really bought into that, didn’t we?” I ask with a chuckle.

He shrugs and returns my chuckle half-heartedly. “Mama is convincing.”

“Yeah.” I nod. “She is. I really looked up to her. She was my hero, really, far more than Fyodor ever was. I always thought he was unreasonable, but Aly has thisstrengthto her that I still can’t help but admire. Nothing phases her, you know?”

He shrugs again. “Yeah, I guess.”

I scratch the back of my neck. “She’s a hypocrite, though. When I was, uh… When I was eight, I came home sick and found her with another man.”

Leo doesn’t react. He just stares at me with his brow furrowed and waits. It reminds me how trivial this is. How pathetic I am for caring so deeply about something that means nothing.

I laugh. “It seems ridiculousnow,” I lie, “but back then, it kind of fucked with me. All that talk of honor and integrity, only for her to have none. She was only betraying Fyodor, but it felt like she was betraying me.Us. What she was teaching. It started me on a dark path that I’ve never gotten off of. It made me cynical about the world when really, I should’ve just been weary ofher.”

“I don’t get it,” he says with a shake of his head. “You needed to tell me that Mama cheated on Papa? You know that he cheated on her too, right? All the time.”

“Yeah, I… I know.” I let out a shaky breath and toss a glance at Mila. The concern on her face makes me want to leave. To abandon this. To settle with the fact that I dislike our parents and that I’d like to be a better brother.

Maybe we could start fresh. We could move on. We could be a family, as strange as that feels to say.

“Why are you telling me this?”

When I look back at him, my heart sinks. Because I know, there is no fresh start with this secret. Not for our relationship and not for Leo.

“Because one night, Piper and I were at the same bar. When she flirted with me, I flirted back… And I betrayed you. Not just that night, but many times after. And…” When his face turns a sickly color, I have to look away. I close my eyes and focus on getting the words out. “And I didn’t understand why I was doing it, but I kept thinking about Aly and that man. I kept thinkingabout how betrayed I felt then and how big of a fool she made me feel, and betraying you made me feel better. Because I amweak, and I amselfish, and I amcruel. But most of all, I am sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I?—”

“Where is she?” he asks, his voice breaking. “Did she… Did she leave because of you? Did she think the baby wasyours?”

Blood drains from my face, making me feel cold. I don’t dare look at Mila, but I can feel the tension in the room coming from her direction.

It’s tempting to stop now. So fucking tempting.

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