Page 42 of Handy

“You know it’s Ledger, don’t you?” he says casually, peeling the wrapper off of his cupcake.

I scoff and shake my head.

“Dude, come on.” He takes a bite and chews slowly, his eyes on me the whole time, like he’s waiting for me to have some kind of light bulb moment, but I just keep shaking my head.

“The first one came before we ever had a conversation.”

He eyes me skeptically again then shrugs like it doesn’t matter to him one way or the other.

“Maybe whoever this guy is, he should take Ledger on a date instead. It’ll save all of us some trouble if they go ahead and live happily ever after and leave me the hell out of it.” I clench my teeth and let out the growl of frustration that’s been building in my chest all morning. “Anyone thoughtful enough to send presents like this, to go out of his way to make a guy feel seen and special and fucking cared about, that’s the kind of guy Ledger deserves. A guy like that wouldn’t leave him alone in bed and sneak out like a coward.”

Ollie furrows his brow. “Why—”

“Because!” I explode with a roar, the dam that’s been holding all of this back for years bursting all at once. “Because every time he touches me, it softens me up just a little more, it makes me need him. I didn’t think there would ever be anyone else. I mean, who would be stupid enough to try to pet a growling junkyard dog, right? But then there Ledger is, fucking sweet and perfect and not put offat allby my scowling and grunting.”

Ollie keeps eating his cupcake, nodding and holding eye contact like he actually gives a shit about my ranting. I stop to drag in a breath, and he licks more frosting off of his fingers.

“Did you know I was divorced three times before I met Daniel?”

He’s so head over heels for his husband that it’s hard to imagine him with anyone else. I huff and shake my head. I’m not sure what that has to do with my ranting though. Maybe he’s just trying to distract me.

“I don’t know your life or what happened with anyone you were with before, but we’re all scared of getting hurt. We’ve allbeenhurt plenty of times. That’s just part of the deal, man.” He shrugs. “Anything that matters comes with a little risk.”

I swallow hard. “I don’t know if I can take losing someone again.”

He nods and puts his hand on my shoulder. It’s different from the way I can’t help but lean into Ledger’s touch, but it’s nice in its own way—warm and friendly. It doesn’t seem like he feels burdened by my outburst at all, more like he’s just happy to let me unload and be here to offer me some advice and perspective. Fuck, what has Ledger done to me? He’s made all of my defenses squishy and ineffective.

“Honest question: Were you happier before you met him?”

“No.” The answer jumps off my tongue immediately. “I wasn’t really anything. I was just existing.”

Like how I traded all the colorful, unique things of Riley’s for the bland, generic versions of them over time, that’s what I did with my life too. I made it so every moment felt interchangeable, so I could never be hurt by losing any of it again. But then what’s the point? Maybe I really was better off having coffee cups I cared about breaking, that were worth gluing back together, and shampoo I growled about when it was out of stock. That lifewas filled with more frustration, more ups and downs, but it felt more real too.

The sound of the door banging open down the hall breaks through our quiet moment as a mass of voices follow right after. Ollie squeezes my shoulder one more time and gives me a reassuring smile before letting go. The rest of the guys come around the corner like a swarm of locusts, noisy and rowdy even though it’s early. There’s chaos as they discover the cupcakes and all talk over each other, still joking about the goats at the fair and teasing one another.

I think this might be better than the quiet, even if it is harder. I think it might be worth risking heartbreak and hurt to have the chance to spend mornings in bed with Ledger instead of all alone forever.

I think maybe I want him to be my secret admirer.

LEDGER

I stare at the note Griff wrote this morning, my knee bouncing under my kitchen table and the metallic taste of blood on my tongue from chewing my bottom lip too hard.

“You think it’s like one of those Magic Eye things and if you look at it long enough, you’ll see a rocket ship, or a love note or something?” Jericho asks, leaning over my shoulder and snatching the crumpled paper from between my fingers.

“Hey,” I complain, but I don’t bother trying to get it back from him. He’s right, I’ve been looking at it all day and it’s still just two sentences with absolutely no tone or context for me to guess whether Griff was blowing me off or not. “Maybe he actually had to get to work early.”

Jericho gives me a flat look.

“Okay, okay, the date went too well and he’s freaking out. What I need is a Hail Mary. Maybe if I confess to being his secret admirer, that will shock him out of his panic spiral somehow?”

“My dude, that man was balls deep inside you less than twenty-four hours ago. What part of your admiration for him is secret at this point? Frankly, if he hasn’t figured it out by now, I think you should be a little worried about him.”

I reach blindly for something to throw at him. My hand lands on one of TP’s toys on the table, so I pick it up and whip it at my supposed best friend. The little plush fish bounces off his forehead and lands on the floor. There’s a jingle and TP crawls out of the hole she chewed at the base of the wall to bound after her fishy with playful little squeaks.

I snort a laugh then flop forward to bang my head on the table.

“I like him so much,” I whine. “I played it cool so I wouldn’t freak him out, and still the second he started to feel something, it all fell apart. I think this disproves your theory about my thing for grumpy, emotionally distant bears being a way to protect myself.” I mumble all this with my face against the cool wood of the table.

---