Page 70 of Jersey

Caitlyn

Even as a professionally educated therapist, it's nearly impossible to take a step back and evaluate something fully when you're the one right in the middle of it.

An outsider might say that Roman's reaction was jealousy, and that might be true to a point, but there were no flirty vibes coming off Zeus yesterday. The man didn't so much as wink at me.

Despite being jealous, it didn't stop Roman from speaking his truth. If the man knows he can't give me what I want then I commend him for being honest about it.

Theproblem is it has come a little too late. I already feel attached to the man, and as toxic as I know it to be, I can't just turn that switch off. I wasn't supposed to feel any sort of way, but it's not something I seem to be able to control after the way he affects my body and my mind. I haven't spent a lot of time searching for the person who doesn't trigger any of my fight-or-flight reflexes. I've been working on myself, internalizing my issues, and trying to work through them, but then he came along. Rather than having to squeeze my eyes shut and breathe through the discomfort, I crave his touch.

He doesn't make me want to run for the hills.

He makes me want to curl into him like a sleepy cat and rub my entire body along his hands.

I want his mouth on my skin, his tongue teasing the most delicate parts of my body.

I want the warmth of his breath on my neck and whispers of all the things he’s capable of doing to me in my ear.

I want him.

And I guess it's par for the course, something I should be used to by now because he doesn't want me.

As a therapist, I know better than to internalize his rejection. It has more to do with him than it does me, but knowing that doesn't take the sting of it away.

I've told him what I need from him, and it's not something he can give me. He was truthful, and I need to find a way to be okay with that.

But... It's impossible. Especially with being in the same house with him and knowing I could run into him at any given minute. It's the main reason I've stayed mostly secluded in the room they've given me for the time being.

When I told them I was going to go home, they urged me to stay there long enough for them to set up a security system at my house, and I know that's supposed to make me feel better, but I doubt it actually will. I have serious intentions of moving out of that house, but I know that will take time. I just pray nothing happens to me before I can make the transition to a new place.

The knock on the door startles me, making me jolt. When I look down at Kiva, she doesn't even bother to lift her head. She simply moves her eyes in that direction. I don't know if she's getting sick or if she just feels so comfortable and safe here that she doesn't feel the need to alert me to a possible intruder. It doesn't bode well for when we return home.

I climb off the bed, running my hands over my hair in case it's Roman and he has changed his mind about where we stand. I frown at the sight of Zeus standing in the hallway.

"Not the reception I was expecting," he mutters as I look up at him.

The guy is a giant, and although he could probably bench-press me with one arm, there's no fear where he's concerned. I don't want him to touch me, and I make every effort to avoid that from happening, but I don't feel like I'm in danger around him.

He has kind green eyes that shine with humor right now even as he expresses his disappointment in my reaction.

"Sorry," I whisper. "I'm a little on edge with everything that has happened."

Of course, I'm including my fallout with Roman, but it's not something I'd go into detail with him. Hell, I feel so dejected and jaded right now, there's a good chance I won't even bring it up in my next session with Dr. Moore.

"That's understandable," he says taking another step back to give me some room. "I'm here for your lesson."

I snap my eyes up to him, my mind racing with a million things.

"Lesson?"

Does Roman think I need what I was putting myself through at the club, and he has sent someone else here to tie me up and touch me?

I swallow the jagged lump forming in my throat.

"Shooting," Zeus says, and it makes me even more confused.

"Shooting what?"

"A paper target to start," Zeus replies. "I don't think you're quite ready for a live target yet."

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